Starring: Federico Luppi, Ron Perlman

Directed by: Guillermo del Toro

Antiquities, alchemy, immortality.  All are present in Cronos, Written and directed by Guillermo de Toro, the film begins with a brief history of a strange device that looks somewhat like a golden scarab – created by an alchemist and allegedly able to extend the owner’s life. After living 300 years, the owner dies in a freak accident and his belongings are auctioned off.

Elderly antique shop owner Jesus Gris (Federico Luppi) and his granddaughter (Tamara Shanath) are minding the store one day when several cucarachas crawl out of a wooden angel statuette.  Prying open the statue, Gris finds a strange golden device.  As he attempts to figure out how it works, the mechanism springs open and pierces his hand with its metal legs.  Startled, he disengages it…but takes it home with him.

Meanwhile, one of the shop’s customers that day was looking for the same angel statue.  Irritable Angel de la Guardia (Ron Perlman) thinks he’s been on a wild goose chase seeking similar statues for his terminally ill uncle (Claudio Brook).  However, his uncle also has a piece of the alchemist’s estate in a detailed journal and is completely certain they have found the right angel.  They are more than displeased to find it empty of the real treasure, but Gris will not give it up – even though the elder de la Guardia suggests there will be trouble if Gris uses it without understanding ‘the instructions’ on how to use it.

In the meantime, Gris finds himself drawn to the device again, and allows it to clamp onto his hand once more.  In addition to the metal legs clamping to his hand, there is a ‘stinger’ that also pierces the skin and activates another interesting mechanism inside the machine.  He begins to change as well, feeling and looking younger.  His granddaughter notices the change and mistrusts the device, attempting to hide it from Gris. However, he finds it again and continues to use it.

Things become even stranger on New Year’s Eve.  Gris, his wife and granddaughter go to a dance, and he is suddenly struck with a strange craving.  Angel de la Guardia has also tracked Gris down and intends to get revenge for continuing to keep the device from his uncle.  He gets his revenge by pushing Gris’ car off a cliff – with Gris in it.  Will that keep him down?  Of course not!  However, immortality does come at a price…

I quite enjoyed this movie – the pacing was excellent, the plot was just weird enough you could suspend your disbelief *just enough*, and the acting was good.  I initially had misgivings about the film because I was worried it would be like Pan’s Labyrinth (which I really did not like), but it was completely different. The movie has parts in both Spanish and English, so some reading is required unless you speak both of these languages.

If you:

• Like a mysterious and somewhat magical tale
• Like the idea of hidden treasure
• Believe there’s always a trade-off

Put it in the queue!

If you:

• Don’t think you would find an artistically-inclined mortician named Tito amusing
• Don’t like Ron Perlman
• Have no imagination

Don’t put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Starring:  Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider

Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci

After a month of watching pretty much nothing but horror movies of extremely varied quality, I sought out a foreign/artsy/acclaimed film.  Last Tango in Paris had been languishing in the queue for some time, and it fit that description.  The dialogue is mostly French, with some scenes in English.  Marlon Brando was nominated for an Academy Award for his role in the film.

And yet…I didn’t really like it.

The psychology behind the film is interesting – take two complete strangers and have them carry on an anonymous affair for an indeterminate, but presumably short, period of time.  Paul (Brando) and Jeanne (Maria Schneider) happen to arrive within minutes of each other to view an apartment.  Despite Jeanne stopping to look at the apartment on her way to pick up her boyfriend from the train station, she ends up having a quickie with Paul.  He suggests they meet there again.

Jeanne seems to be moderately irritated with her boyfriend, a filmmaker who is making something of a ‘day in the life’ movie about her.  She seems to feel used by him, especially as her greeting him at the train station is filmed to get spontaneous expressions of emotion as part of the film.  Thus it makes sense why she might be willing to go back to see Paul – who appears to be at least twice her age – again.

Paul has recently been freed from a relationship by his wife committing suicide.  With her mother fussing about and squawking at Paul like a ruffled matron hen, it is easy to see why he longs to escape to encounters without commitments.  When at the apartment, he repeatedly tells Jeanne that he wants to know nothing about her – not her real name, not her age…nothing.

Jeanne meets him at the apartment several more times.  Especially in contrast to Tom – who wants to know every bit of her past through filming and participate in every bit of her future by proposing marriage – the lack of interest in anything but the present via Paul must have been an exciting draw.

However, there are some scenes in which Jeanne seems like just an object, a toy for Paul.  She comes to the apartment as if seeking acknowledgement, lounges around wearing jeans and a scarf (or less), on display for Paul…who uses her and doesn’t seem to care.  Until it’s time to break off the affair, in which they undergo a dramatic role reversal.

I suppose I am easily scandalized (as apparently were some audiences, as the film has been rated X, R with edits, and currently NC-17).  As mentioned, it’s an interesting idea, but the execution is a little uncomfortable to watch.  Especially as Jeanne looks very, very young with a poodle-curly, glam metal-esque hairdo, and Paul looks…just older.  In a pathetic and depressing mid-life crisis way. Which was probably completely intentional.  Perhaps I should have watched On the Waterfront or something to see a better Brando.

If you:

• Feel a little schizophrenic watching movies that flipflop between multiple languages
• Are disinterested in movies about May/December relationships
• Expect the movie to be primarily about tango, or any type of vertical dancing

Don’t put it in the queue.

If you:

• Are a film connoisseur and this in on the must-see list due to Brando, Academy Award nominations, controversial status, etc
• Find the topic interesting for the sake of human sociology/psychology/sexuality
• Are not bothered by the idea of sex in very uncomfortable places (and no, Mallrats fans, I do not mean in the backseat of a Volkswagon).

Put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Starring: Naomi Watts, David Dorfman

Directed by: Hideo Nakata

Last October, surprisingly, the best movie I reviewed was The Ring.  It was great precisely because it was more of a mystery to unravel rather than a ‘spooky things jump out at you around every corner’ film.

Apparently when The Ring 2 was written, the opposite intent prevailed.  The movie is chock full of Evil Samara (Kelly Stables).  Her video still exists, and she’s stalking Aidan (David Dorfman) even though Rachel (Naiomi Woods) has attempted to take them away to the small town of Astoria, Oregon.

Though Rachel finds the tape and stops its circuit among the town’s teenagers early on, Samara is still not finished with her and Aidan. Instead of just the well and TV dwelling specter, she is now able to manifest in a public restroom, command a herd of murderous deer, do poltergeist-y things to Rachel’s house, kill Aidan’s fish, turn a bathroom into a visually impressive illustration of centripetal force and…oh yes, attempt to possess Aidan.

Sure there’s still a mystery Rachel has to unravel, but it is somewhat half-ass.  The roughly half hour Rachel potters around trying to figure out more about Samara’s history is pretty much the most interesting part of the film.

The rest is just monster around the corner (or monster at the bottom of the well) fare.  What’s really creeping me out now is a fly has been buzzing around by my computer the whole time I’ve been writing this review…perhaps it’s Samara returned from the beyond in insect form…

Also I have no idea how they’re going to pull a third film out of this one. Unless it’s a prequel, I am thoroughly uninterested.

If you:

• Can’t resist a sequel
• Like movies where the scary thing is always lurking around

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

• Prefer the thrill of a creepy mystery rather than a creepy monster
• Can’t suspend your disbelief enough that Samara all of a sudden decides to make the leap from video to stove/lightbulbs/fauna/human
• Are easily annoyed by Naomi Watts moping around looking all skinny and concerned

Don’t put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Family –

Starring: George Wendt, Meredith Monroe, Matt Keeslar

Directed by: John Landis

The Washingtonians -

Starring: Johnathon Schaech, Venus Terzo, Myron Natwick

Directed by: Peter Medak

I am returning to the Masters of Horror series for two more creepy short films.  The first, Family, was directed by John Landis.  George Wendt of Cheers fame is Harold, a man who lives in a nice, quiet neighborhood.  He has a pleasant home in a nice subdivision and blares gospel music while he works in his basement downstairs.  What’s in the basement? Oh, a workshop where Harold bathes corpses in acid to melt off the flesh, leaving behind a skeleton.  He then wires together the articulated skeleton, dresses it, and puts it upstairs in his family room.  He goes there in the evenings to relax with his wife (posed reading a tabloid), his daughter, and now grandpa.  He talks to the skeletons, and in his vivid imagination they – as fully-fleshed people – respond.

A new couple, a young doctor David Fuller (Matt Keeslar) and his wife Celia (Meredith Monroe) move into the neighborhood.  After accidentally backing into Harold’s mailbox in the wee hours of the morning, they go over to apologize.  They talk of wanting to re-start a family after tragically losing a daughter to cancer.   Becoming friends with Harold, they share dinners and chat often.  Meanwhile, Harold begins to develop a slight obsession with Celia, obviously considering adding her to the family.

This is quite a good tale, full of surprises and with an out-there yet not too ridiculous plot.

If you:

• Like movies that let you peer into the motivations of a psychopath
• Have even been suspicious of your neighbors

Put it in the queue!

However, if you can’t bear the thought of “Norm!!” being a murderer, don’t put it in the queue.

I watched the second movie with my brothers.  Since they are big American History fans, we chose TheWashingtonians.  This tale focuses on a family of three who are in town for a funeral.  Mike (Johnathon Shaech) has inherited his grandparents’ house as a result of his grandmother’s death, and they are staying there while in town.

Daughter Amy (Julia Tortolano) is terrified of the house.  And even more terrified of the local real estate agent who is waiting for them on the front porch.   Samuel Madison III (Myron Natwick) looks more like Colonel Sanders than a creepy creeper, but his false teeth and saccharine compliments to Amy are a bit disconcerting.

Amy continues to be afraid of everything in the old house, including a giant portrait of George Washington (she mistook it for a person in the cellar).  While her parents are cleaning out the basement, Amy decides to stand up to the image of the Father of our Country and yell that she’s not afraid of it.  Which promptly causes the painting to fall over.

Behind a corner of the canvas, Mike finds a small scroll wound around a fork that looks like it was made from a small bone.  The note on the scroll suggests George Washington was a cannibal that ate children.  Strongly disconcerted, Mike immediately begins dithering what to do about it. In the meantime, he cannot help but imagine all the townsfolk as flesh-chomping maniacs; he and Amy are both fairly freaked out about the town and can’t wait to get away.

After the funeral, he asks the realtor about the note and fork.  His reaction is also relatively strange, and he both implores Mike to keep it a secret and perhaps sell it to a collector he knows.  While he is making calls, Mike escapes to his grandmother’s house.  Later that night, his family receives a visit from a group of people dressed in colonial garb (powdered wigs and all) and gross, bloodstained teeth demanding both the note, and silence about its contents.

Generally I enjoy historical fiction, and mayhaps even believe George Washington and his founding friends could have been involved in some Masonic skullduggery.  But cannibalism? That is a very unappetizing thought.

If you:

• Like to believe extreme conspiracy theories (for example – George Bush belongs to a reptile alien race)
• Like unnecessary gore

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

• Don’t believe cannibalism is what the founding fathers meant when they said “the tree of liberty must be watered with blood.”
• Are creeped out by the thought of ghoulish colonial cannibalism re-enactments.  Or even ghoulish colonials wandering about New England.

Don’t put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Starring: Jake Hoffman, Devon Aoki, John Ventimiglia, Kris Lemche

Directed by: Jordan Galland

Alas, poor Yorick…you’re not even in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead!  And Hamlet?  Depends on if you’re talking about the play or the man.  Both are parts of this film, but this is not your high school literature teacher’s Hamlet.

Julian (Jake Hoffman) is on the verge of getting kicked out of his father’s house/medical office for being a general slacker who apparently believes his job is bringing home a different girl every night rather than bringing home the bacon.  In his copious free time, he also acts as his gorgeous ex-girlfriend’s errand lackey.  Even though she is dating an obnoxious entrepreneur (Ralph Macchio).

Forced to interview for a director’s position at a small theater (or else find other living arrangements), Julian finds himself with a new job after a very weird interview with theater owner/actor Theo (John Ventimiglia).  Tasked with finding suitable actors for a vampire-themed adaptation of the classic play, he enlists his best friend Vince (Kris Lemche).  His ex-girlfriend Anna (Devon Aoki) salivates at the idea of playing Ophelia, but Julian is hesitant to involve her with the strange cast of characters.  Including an actor who believes the names of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern should be updated to Rosendude and Guildenbro, or other similar abominations.

Vince suspects something truly is rotten in the state of this theater company when he thinks he sees Theo and two of the other actresses devouring a human outside a club.  He screams for Julian, but by the time Julian appears – there is nothing to be seen.  Vince is also approached by a woman who insists a vampire-themed adaptation of Hamlet is part of an ancient conspiracy, usually ending in the whole cast and audience becoming a vampire buffet on opening night.  Seems crazy, right?  Well, not as crazy as the Monthy Python-esque video explaining the historical track of this conspiracy, or even the ridiculously rambling play itself.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead is one of those films that gives me great hope for my own mediocre scriptwriting.  However, the sheer goofiness of the storyline makes this a very enjoyable movie, if you like that sort of thing.  It definitely does not resemble Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which I once attempted to watch and miserably failed (I don’t like absurdist plays/movies/etc.), but it does make a reference to it.  The acting is not all bad, and the brief appearance of Hamlet is hilarious (but not as hilarious as Hamlet thinks it is.  Yeah.  He’s that guy).

If you:

• Like Hamlet, but are not a literary purist about it – after all, it’s just words….words…words.  :)
• Like conspiracy theory
• Have low expectations for this movie

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

• Think vampire theatre should be elegant, seductive and beautiful…not peppered with bumbling humans and weighted down by a boring script.
• Can’t stand the idea of Hamlet (the man himself) being kind of a tool who thinks he’s a standup comedian.
• Aren’t in the mood for 90 minutes of ridiculousness

Don’t put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Uncle Sam –

Starring: William Smith, David ‘Shark’ Fralick, Christopher Ogden

Directed by: William Lustig

Homecoming –

Starring: Jon Tenney, Thea Gill

Directed by: Joe Dante

Two zombie films for the price of one in this review, friends.

The first is Uncle Sam.  From the first 10 minutes, it seems like it might be a decent movie.  It starts out a little ominous in the desert of Iraq, deceased soldiers in a helicopter…though one is really not dead, just zombified and making a cheesy joke about friendly fire whilst shooting the investigating officer.

That is pretty much the highlight of the movie.

The rest is a heavy-handed, unfunny march through the soldier’s hometown.  His name is Sam, and he left behind a wife who is afraid of him, a sister who is also afraid of him, and a nephew who absolutely idolizes him.

You can see who is going to taste the wrath of zombie Uncle Sam from miles away.  The draft-dodging elementary school teacher.  The IRS-cheating, Gulf War criticizing family friend.  The obnoxious teenagers who burn flags and desecrate the National Anthem.

It takes a really long time to set up the back story and get to the part where Uncle Sam starts doling out ridiculous zombie justice (such as running an unpatriotic offender up a flagpole by his neck and terminating a peeping tom with hedge clippers).  Plus, the adoring nephew’s blind adoration and the political overtones are less humorous, more painful to watch.

The only thing that makes this movie somewhat watchable is the bloodbath at the 4^th of July town festival and Issac Hayes as the overall hero of the day.

Do yourself a favor and don’t put it in the queue.  There are many better options, such as…

Homecoming, a Masters of Horror piece directed by Joe Dante (Gremlins, the ‘burbs) is a far superior zombie soldier movie.

David (Jon Tenney) is something of a legend among political speechwriters, working a bit of an uphill spin battle for the upcoming election due to the unpopular war.  On an evening talk show similar to “Larry King Live” and other of that ilk, he has an emotional moment and wishes soldiers killed in action could come back and tell their families how proud they are to have died for their country.

Not only is this quote totally sound-biteable, it attracts the attention of the show’s other guest, Jane Cleaver (Thea Gill).  Styled in the political leanings of Ann Coulter, she is a ball-busting conservative aching for power and unafraid to use her confidence and feminine wiles to get to the inner circle of politics.

Elsewhere, strange things begin to happen with remains of American soldiers killed in action returning from war.  Some of them are getting out of their flag-covered caskets and shuffling about as zombies with unfinished business.

Of course, this is a political nightmare.  It also stirs up an old family secret about David’s brother, a Vietnam war veteran.

Amid speculation about how undead soldiers could be a tremendous asset to the cause, one finally speaks.  Why are they here?  What do they want?  Really, all they want is to vote in the upcoming election.  Not braaaaaaaaains, not souls, just a vote.  Easy, right?  Come on, it’s politics.  What do you think happens?

As an hour-long movie, it is excellently stocked with philosophical points, politics, humor, and a creative premise.  Joe Dante is truly a master of comic horror.

If you:

• Like zombie movies
• Like a laugh with your undead
• Enjoy a thinking person’s scary film

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

• Are very pro-war
• Are bored silly by political theory
• Are unable to laugh at the ridiculososity of the political spin machine

Don’t put it in the queue.

Written by: Jennifer Venson

Starring: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston

Directed by: David Slade

Thanks to Twilight, True Blood, and perhaps even lingering effects of Interview With the Vampire, the pale undead are more sexy than scary, snuggly than snarly.  Able to contain their thirst, sparkle in the daylight, and flash their fangs to charm rather than chew…these vampires are nowhere to be found in 30 Days of Night.

Matching the harsh and wild winter of Barrow, Alaska, the pack of vampires roaming the frozen darkness is more animal than human.  Very few of them speak – mainly their leader Marlow (Danny Huston).  Mostly, they just stalk around with bloodstained chins, scream like tortured bats and attack humans with ravenous abandon.

The premise is simple – in the dead of winter, the sun won’t rise in Barrow for a whole month because it is so far up north.  Quite a few people leave town, or at least intend to – including Sheriff Eben Oleson’s estranged fire marshall wife Stella (Josh Hartnett and Melissa George, respectively), who has only been in town briefly due to a safety check she had to run in Barrow.

While Eben is out investigating a number of weird occurrences about town – cell phones destroyed, sled dogs murdered en masse, a helicopter vandalized and put out of commission – Stella misses her plane.  Other than a man (Ben Foster) appearing mysteriously in town, acting weird and speaking cryptically of the townsfolk never being able to escape ‘them,’ no one has a clue what’s going on.

Soon enough it becomes clear the remaining citizens of Barrow are meant to be a month-long snack for the group of vampires that has swooped in.  It’s never really clear how many vampires there are – perhaps 15-20ish, give or take – but nevertheless too many for the core group of humans to take on.  They have to make several moves throughout the month of darkness to get supplies, switch locations, and basically attempt to keep one step ahead of the vampires.

At nearly two hours, this movie felt like it took 30 days to watch.  Though there are some excellent action scenes – particularly one involving about six ways to kill vampires with a snowplow and ending with an explosion – it is pretty boring.  Visually, dark snowy streets get pretty dull.  Josh Harnett grows gross scraggly facial hair over the course of the movie.  Everyone mostly sits around in their parkas and tries to figure out how to outrun the vampires – not even destroy them, just outrun them to survive until sunrise.

If you:

• Prefer the unfriendly vampire creature to the romantic ones
• Like a movie that moves very slowly to highlight the tension of hiding and fear of discovery

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

• Are used to the human hero surrounded by vampire constantly working on some type of innovative way to slay the enemy (seriously – the odds were much worse in I Am Legend and he was always pottering around gathering samples, running experiments.  Even the kids in Fright Night did a little plotting and just didn’t give the heck up.)
• Like reading, and suspect perusing the original graphic novel might be both more expedient AND more enjoyable

Don’t put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Starring: Bill Paxton, Matt O’Leary, Jeremy Sumpter, Matthew McConaughey

Directed by: Bill Paxton

Zombies, vampires, werewolves, cave monsters, demons, ghouls and the like are the typical horror fare.  What’s even scarier than that?

Someone with the absolute conviction God speaks to them in a dream and tells them to kill people.  And  even seeks mystically-provided weapons that should be used in carrying out these deeds. Such is the premise of Frailty.

FBI Agent Wesley Doyle (Powers Boothe) receives a visit from a young man (Matthew McConaughey) claiming he has information about the God’s Hand Killer (presumably Doyle has been assigned to this serial murderer).  This man, identifying himself as Fenton Meiks, claims his brother Adam is the perpetrator.  He narrates a tale of two young boys in small-town Texas, raised by their widower father (Bill Paxton).  They lived a self-sufficient, quiet life until their father shakes them out of sleep in the middle of the night to announce God has just spoken to him in a dream. This revelation actually includes the whole family – per God, the mission of the three Meiks is to collect three holy weapons to be revealed in the coming days and destroy demons masquerading as humans.

Adam, age 7-ish, embraces the new family enterprise with enthusiasm, while the pre-teen Fenton remains a skeptic.  To his increasing dismay and discomfort, his father soon brings home several items (an axe, gloves and a lead pipe) to carry out the divine mission.  To make matters worse, Fenton’s lack of belief in God – much less his father’s visions – earns him several punishments the modern perspective might classify as abusive.

Doyle patiently listens to this tale, agreeing to go see the location where Adam’s victims are buried.  Fentoncontinues his tale, noting the willingness with which Adam accepts his father’s increasingly bizarre revelations – including a list of names of seven demons the Meiks family must destroy.  When their father purchases a utility van and starts bringing home the terrified ‘demons,’ Fenton cannot hide his revulsion.  Torn between the family he cherishes and his growing horror at their wholehearted belief in this divine mission, Fenton must choose to participate or figure out a way to escape.

Most of the film is spent in the past, centered on the three Meiks and particularly Fenton’s dilemma.  I had serious misgivings about this movie before I saw it, but was surprised how much I enjoyed it.  It’s not always an easy movie to watch, but definitely rewarding if you like a good thriller.  And the thrills are constantly buried, like mounds of earth covering a grave dug for the Meiks’ victims.  You never quite know what demons are on the other side.

If you:

• Have ever wondered if what some dismiss as insanity was actually truth.
• Like a movie where the horror comes more from the psychological aspect than visual gore.
• Like characters with ulterior motives.

Put it in the queue!

If you:

• Are expecting to spend a lot of time ogling Matthew McConaughey
• Believe religion alone is an excuse to terrorize people.
• Don’t like movies based on narrated flashbacks.

Don’t put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Starring: Bela Lugosi, Madge Bellamy

Directed by: Victor Halperin

Zombies.  Often associated with the zombie apocalypse, the result of some horrific virus, or Night of the Living Dead.  Few connect them to Voudou, or to the casual scholar, voodoo. Probably even fewer have seen White Zombie, the 1932 film starring Béla Lugosi (aka Dracula) and some fake facial hair as the evil Murder Legendre, zombie master.

White Zombie, wasn’t that a metal band?  Yep.  Lead singer Rob Zombie, who now makes horror films himself, names his band after this movie.  Now on to the plot.

Nearly-weds Neil (John Harron) and Madeline (Madge Bellamy) are to be married in Haiti.  The sound quality of the movie was pretty terrible, so I’m not entirely sure why they were there or why Madge and Charles Beaumont (Robert Frazer) travelled on the same boat and met.  The short version is that Chalres has fallen in love with Madeline, and is willing to take some drastic measures to take her away from Neil.

Even though the local Hatians are terrified of Legendre and his legion of shuffling, unblinking zombies, Charles approaches him and asks for a solution to his romantic dilemma.  Legendre gives him a potion – probably the same stuff Friar Laurence gave to Juliet in ye olde Verona – and tells him to give a few granules to Madeline either in a flower so she will inhale it, or in a cup of wine she will drink.

Madeline gets a whiff of the potion, then goes to tell her new hubby’s future in a cup of wine later that evening.  At which point she’s confronted with the creepy eyes of Legendre.  Staring at her in a cup of red wine.  Which really isn’t a bad special effect for 1932.

This “living dead girl” is buried (without even getting for formally consummate her marriage, poor thing), though spirited away by Legendre and Charles shortly thereafter.  Is Charles happy now?  Um, no.  Though she still can wander about Legendre’s castle (conveniently located on a cliff high above some point rocks and rough water) with a vapid stare and play “Libestraum” on the piano for everyone’s enjoyment, Charles is not satisfied.

While Charles whines, Neil and the local minister (Joseph Cawthorne) hatch a plot to go rescue Madeline (given she is squirreled away in Legendre’s castle).   When they get there, many shenanigans ensue.

Is the movie kind of goofy?  Of course.  Does it seem like the only requirement for playing Madeline is to have huge eyes?  Sure.  Does is appear that Mr. Lugosi has furry caterpillars masquerading as his eyebrows and a very strange beard?  You bet your bottom dollar.  Is this a decent way to spend an hour?  Oh yeah.

If you:

• Like film history
• Need something to discuss with Rob Zombie, should you even meet him
• Are a little bit obsessed with zombies/necromancy

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

• Think zombies need to be half rotted and hungry for brains to be entertaining

You may be right.  But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put it White Zombie in the queue anyway.  It’s only an hour long!!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Starring: Essie Davis, Sean Harris

Directed by: Billy O’Brien

As last year’s October reviews included the ever-popular Black Sheep, I wanted to make sure this year’s batch had sufficient representation of mutant livestock flicks with Isolation.

This movie’s first fault is spending pretty much no time on setup, other than a shady bovine geneticist is running the experiment. Its second fault is spending far too long on a calf birthing scene.  I’ll be the first to admit I know nothing about animal husbandry, but the idea of swinging a newborn calf around one’s head in a circle to get it to start breathing seems ludicrous. Apparently the calf didn’t like it either, as it immediately bit off the caretaker’s finger.

For safety’s sake, the vet puts the calf down and decides to do an impromptu dissection.  Inside they find enlarged organs as well as spiny little mutant fetuses encased in the calf’s wombs.  This experiment in highly accelerated bovine reproduction has already been a crashing failure – plus the vet warns there may be danger of infection.

It just gets better when one of the exoskeletal monsters slithers off the table and into a grand adventure of exponential growth. Sadly, the critter can’t wreak much entertaining havoc when there are only four people – two of which have already been bitten – on the farm.

If you:

• Need an excuse to consider becoming a vegetarian
• Aim to reinforce a deep mistrust of what Patton Oswalt refers to as “Science:  coulda, not shoulda”
• Need a cheesy monster thriller fix and are stranded without Syfy or a copy of  Mosquito

Put it in the queue!

If you:

• Prefer filmmakers to actually put some effort into their monsters and have some pride in their craft rather than just showing some half-ass, fast-moving, partially visible critter
• Like continuous action
• Think a film ridiculous enough to have mutant cow fetuses running around feeding on cows and humans in order to rapidly grow should also include some creatively over-the-top death scenes

You will be very disappointed.  Don’t put it in the queue

Written by Jennifer Venson