Isolation

Starring: Essie Davis, Sean Harris Directed by: Billy O'Brien

As last year's October reviews included the ever-popular Black Sheep, I wanted to make sure this year's batch had sufficient representation of mutant livestock flicks with Isolation.

This movie's first fault is spending pretty much no time on setup, other than a shady bovine geneticist is running the experiment. Its second fault is spending far too long on a calf birthing scene.  I’ll be the first to admit I know nothing about animal husbandry, but the idea of swinging a newborn calf around one's head in a circle to get it to start breathing seems ludicrous. Apparently the calf didn't like it either, as it immediately bit off the caretaker's finger.

For safety's sake, the vet puts the calf down and decides to do an impromptu dissection.  Inside they find enlarged organs as well as spiny little mutant fetuses encased in the calf's wombs.  This experiment in highly accelerated bovine reproduction has already been a crashing failure – plus the vet warns there may be danger of infection.

It just gets better when one of the exoskeletal monsters slithers off the table and into a grand adventure of exponential growth. Sadly, the critter can't wreak much entertaining havoc when there are only four people – two of which have already been bitten – on the farm.

If you:

  • Need an excuse to consider becoming a vegetarian
  • Aim to reinforce a deep mistrust of what Patton Oswalt refers to as "Science:  coulda, not shoulda"
  • Need a cheesy monster thriller fix and are stranded without Syfy or a copy of  Mosquito

Put it in the queue!

If you:

  • Prefer filmmakers to actually put some effort into their monsters and have some pride in their craft rather than just showing some half-ass, fast-moving, partially visible critter
  • Like continuous action
  • Think a film ridiculous enough to have mutant cow fetuses running around feeding on cows and humans in order to rapidly grow should also include some creatively over-the-top death scenes

You will be very disappointed.  Don't put it in the queue

Written by Jennifer Venson

Hush

Starring: William Ash, Christine Bottomley Directed by: Mark Tonderai

The movie Hush is a lot of things.  Low-budget.  Absurd.  Scary.  Suspenseful.  Cat and Mouse. British.  Gritty.

But, above all, Hush is a movie you have probably seen before.

Hush starts with couple Beth and Zakes (No, really, it’s Zakes.  I checked IMDB as I was watching the film, thinking I was mistaking his thick accent.  No sir, I was not.) on a road trip.  Zakes has the unenviable job of being the guy who changes the posters on the walls at gas stations and rest stops.  In order to prove his job complete, he takes a picture of each one with Beth’s phone.

On the way to their eventual (somewhat ambiguous) destination, a cargo truck cuts in front of them.  As it does so the back door flies open for a fleeting second and Zakes sees a woman tied up in a cage.  After calling the police Zakes pulls over to make the next stop on his job route.

He and Beth have a bit of a falling out at this particular stop, and Beth contends she will simply call her friend Sarah to come pick her up.  Zakes stalks out to the car to pout and wait for Beth to change her mind.  Meanwhile Beth is, of course, busy getting kidnapped by the cargo truck driver who has just happened to stop at the same location.

Zakes realizes all this and speeds after our antagonist in a stolen car as the game of cat and mouse begins.  If all of this sounds hauntingly familiar that’s, quite frankly, because it is.  In plot it is very similar to films like The Hitcher, or Breakdown, or Joy Ride, or Duel, or even something like Wolf Creek or Wrong Turn.  But more than anything it reminds me of a little film called High Tension, a pitch perfect French horror/thriller that completely craps itself in the final act.

Luckily, though, Hush doesn’t fall victim to the same contrivances.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of familiar “He would never do that!” or “Why would he do that?!” or “No way in hell could he kick that out so easy!” devices, but they all play out with just enough of a twist and more than enough directorially infused suspense.

And at a budget of only $1,000,000 (well, actually, pounds, but I can’t find the pound insignia) the direction in this film is well above average.  Almost every scene is gritty and taught, and there are a couple unexpected set pieces.  In addition gore is kept to a bare minimum.  The acting is nothing to scoff at either, but movies where your primary function is to yell and drive, you don’t exactly have to be Bill Paxton.  Or maybe you have to be almost exactly like Bill Paxton.  Depending on what you think about Bill Paxton, I suppose.

In the end, for a low-budget, straight to video, familiarly-plotted film, this is a very recommendable piece of work.  While nothing remarkable, almost every aspect is well above the average of similar, larger-budgeted Hollywood productions.

Written by Ryan Venson

Night of the Demons (2010)

Starring: Monica Keena, Shannon Elizabeth, Edward Furlong Directed by: Adam Gierasch

Last year we started the Halloween festivities with a review of an old movie (Fright Night), which has since been re-made and released this year.  This year we start with the remake of Night of the Demons.

What's in the cauldron for this film?  Take an old legend about six missing guests and a suicidal hostess all last seen together in a creepy old plantation house (surprisingly well-depicted with a scratchy sepia-and-beige silent film-style flashback), a bunch of modern twentysomethings ready to go party down, and mix in Halloween.  Throw a trio of nobody actresses into the mix (two parts trampy and one average 'everygirl') two male stoners (one hot, one not), a has-been actor (Eddie Furlong as Colin) and a stereotypical hot chick actress (Shannon Elizabeth as Angela).

Here you have Night of the Demons. A wild Halloween party engineered by Angela (and attended by the six others mentioned above) gets shut down by the police.   For ridiculous reasons – a friend passed out behind the sofa, needing to retrieve some drugs that urgently need to be sold from the furnace duct in which they were shoved when the cops showed up – our main characters are among the last to leave the house.  Then a locked outer gate that can't be opened from the inside provides a thinly-veiled excuse for all seven of them to spend Halloween night in this haunted house.

While searching for dealer Colin's drug packets, the group stumbles upon a grouping of six skeletons placed in a circle in a hidden room in the cellar.  They theorize these could be the missing guests from the legend surrounding this rented house.  Angela bends down to inspect a strange glowing object on one of the skeletons…and it bites her.

And then things start to get weird.

Turns out the former owner of this home was contacting the spirit world and accidentally unleashed seven demons who are all big jerks and can only re-enter this world if they possess seven humans on Halloween night.  The gang's all here, and Angela's ready to start a demon party.

The shenanigans involved in turning the stranded partygoers into demons – generally biting or sex – are actually a little disturbing.  One of the most cinematically interesting scenes in the movie (in terms of lighting, mood and use of levitation) is a demon-turning to the tune of "Black No. 1" by Type O Negative.

For a while, it seems this movie might buck the usual 'last one standing' theme in scary films.  In fact, the movie drags a bit during the standoff between the three humans safe – yet trapped – in a magically protective room, but then the balance – or rather, imbalance – between evil and good is restored.

Overall, rather a diamond in the rough among the horror fare available for instant viewing.

If you:

  • Like a rocking soundtrack to your scary movies
  • Feel like ogling some hot chicks in skimpy cat costumes (until they turn into hell beasts with a taste for blood, a Skeletor face and/or slimy tentacles they can shoot from their boobs).
  • Have about an hour and a half to spare for a B movie that has a moderately decent plot and special effects

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Cherish your memories of the 1990s Eddie Furlong and would be crushed to see him looking more like Fat Elvis than young John Connor.
  • Prefer your B movies to only be stupendously bad enough to be good (i.e. nothing of merit except sheer ridiculousness).
  • Will only tolerate creepy orchestral/organ music in your scary films instead of punk and metal.

Don’t put it in the queue!

Written by: Jennifer Venson

Real Steel

Directed by: Shawn Levy Starring: Hugh Jackman, Dakota Goyo

Summer’s end is fast approaching, and soon the award season will take over your local cinema. Low and behold a movie arrives and tries to push the sun back into the sky and gives us one more summer blockbuster. Of course I am talking about Real Steel, and while its status as a blockbuster is yet to be seen, this movie definitely fulfills the role of a summer movie.

Many people I know have already referred to Real Steel as the “Rock’em Sock’em Robots” movie, and while this isn’t far from the truth, the story does have a little more meat. To fulfill the people’s constant desire for destruction and violence, robot fighting was developed.  The casualties of the ultra-popular new sport, besides the losing robots, are the human fighters who once thrived. In walks our star, a washed up boxer and now failing owner of a robot fighter, Charlie Kenton (Jackman). Charlie finds out that a girl he knocked up has recently died, and that he must assume responsibility for his young son, Max.

First, let’s talk about what is wrong with this movie. My biggest complaint is that a movie about fighting robots shouldn’t be 127 minutes long. I don’t care if you are trying to develop a story; a movie of this ilk overstays its welcome around 100 minutes. Next, we have not yet developed the ability to insert the fine acting chops of Daniel Day Lewis into a child, so instead we have to watch inexperienced children on screen, and while this is a sometimes fine, there are other times when it is annoying as hell. Still my complaints are meager at best.

Real Steel is fun - not amazing, not life changing, but fun. The effects are impressive and the fight scenes are exciting. The heavy lifting done in this film is achieved Hugh Jackman, as a broken man looking for redemption not only for his child but also for himself. While the movie becomes cliché in a few places, it also manages to sidestep many of the Hollywood trappings. In the end the story feels inspired more by  Rocky than Transformers.

What I was most surprised by in Real Steel was how beautiful it was to watch. The movie plays like a love letter to America. In following Kenton from small town fairs to big city fights, every location is thick with color and gives off an entirely classic feel to a film driven by technology. While the story hints at a handful of things that man lost with the advancement of technology, the cinematography shows us a world that, while still in existence, seems to be fading from our memories.

As I am writing this piece, Rottentomatoes.com has yet to post a single review yet for Real Steel. I don’t know how the reviews will turn out when everything is said and done. I am grateful that I was able to watch and enjoy this movie before too many people told me that I shouldn’t. I can’t guarantee that you will like Real Steel, but maybe, if you let it, Real Steel could surprise you.

Written by Drew Martin

Cowboys and Aliens, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dream Home

cowboys
cowboys
apes
apes

I know it has been a long time since we posted a show, but Ryan is just now recovering from Cowboys and Aliens. I think you will find that this show was worth the wait. Where else are you going to find out about Dream Home? Ebert? Not likely. You also get a little ape action too. This is a fine show with which to say "goodbye" to the summer. Enjoy

Hotel Rwanda

Starring: Don Cheadle, Sophie Okonedo Directed by: Terry George

Nearly a year ago, I went to the National Underground Railroad Freedom Museum in downtown Cincinnati to seen an exhibit on terrorism and the US.  There were other exhibits as well, including one on the types of human trafficking and slavery existing in the world today – including a section on the actions we all can take to help stop the problem.  Writing letters, being very careful to not buy good from companies that use slave labor and making donations tocertain rescue organizations were among the suggestions.   My quarrel with the exhibit is that they didn’t really address the underlying problem.  Until the willingness of people to exploit other human beings for profit ceases to exist, it will continue in one form or another.

I'm not saying it's fruitless to make donations, be mindful of where companies source their labor, or even hope that someday there will be no human trafficking.  The moral of the story is people can control how they treat others if they have enough courage to be a good person when it's easier to turn the other way.

Hotel Rwanda focuses on Paul Rusesabagina (Don Cheadle), a successful and charming hotel manager.  His job focuses on making guests feel as though they are in an "oasis" of calm and civility, even though there is serious political unrest.  Fine single malt Scotch, Cuban Cohiba cigars, attentive staff and loads of Heineken are the tools he plies to ensure his beverage supplier and ranking United Nations guests are compliant and happy under his watch.  His political status as a Hutu keeps him in good social standing, particularly as the Hutu are in conflict with a rebel militia from the Tutsi party.  An old grudge over political power during the Belgian colonial years has not gone away, and the Hutu are spoiling for a reason to skirmish.

That reason comes sooner rather than later with the assassination of the Hutu president.  Paul's Tutsi wife Tatiana (Sophie Okonedo) and neighbors are immediately at risk; he barely manages to bribe a group of Hutu soldiers with enough personal belongings and money from the hotel safe into leaving them alive at the hotel he manages. Chaos continues to break out around the city as Hutu militants capture and kill 'Tutsi cockroaches' under the guise of searching for rebels – but really out of sheer hatred.

Paul remains responsible for entertaining UN peacekeepers, journalists and European travelers, charged with keeping up the façade of civility while innocent people are being beaten and killed in their homes less than a mile away.  Even video footage of the atrocities and arrival of UN soldiers is no relief to the Rwandan refugees. Colonel Oliver (Nick Nolte) angrily informs Paul that global racism dictates only the European-born will be rescued – the black African refugees will be left to fend for themselves.

Drawing on his intelligence and creativity, Paul manages to sidestep an attempted Hutu raid and rallies those compatriots with sufficient connections and resources to find ways out of the country.  All the while he continues to take in displaced people and negotiate with both the UN soldiers and Tutsi militia.  Though his life is often in danger and political status evolves into 'traitor,' Paul refuses to turn his back on the displaced Rwandans.

Inspiring isn't really a robust enough word to describe this film.  Simply, it showcases humanity at its best and worst.  Best in Paul, who isn’t a completely selfless crusader.  He's a regular guy who doesn't intend to become a hero…he just keeps choosing to open his heart and use the power and resources to which he has access to do good.  Don Cheadle does a phenomenal job of portraying a conflicted man – one who has worked very hard to build his reputation and provide notable UN guests with the best personalized treatment, only to be labeled a traitor and refused help by the dignitaries he served because his skin color and nationality were not the right kind.  He struggles to summon the resources to protect so many refugees, but neither can he turn away in good conscience.  Worst are the militants willing to indiscriminately kill people because of their ethnic background, even though they cannot really get the revenge they seek for injustices of the past.

If you:

  • Like Don Cheadle
  • Need some suggestions for doing good deeds (like supporting the Red Cross, taking in those who need shelter, adopting an orphan or using your influential connections to call off machete-wielding bad guys)
  • Like to believe there is some good in the world

Put it in the queue!

If you

  • Are an intolerant, racist, prejudiced, bigoted jerk looking for revenge ideas

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

The Lives of Others

Written and Directed by: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

Drew sent me “The Lives of Others” for his new project called Play It Forward. I’m really excited about this project (even though it’s been a while since he sent me the movie - sorry!) and can’t wait to start reading other reviews as they come in.  I’m looking at you lil’molly!

“The Lives of Others” is a German film set in 1984 East Berlin. So, picture a grey, depressed city with an ominous sense of dread in the air. The Stasi, or State Secret Police, keep everything under strict surveillance and have a professed mission “to know everything.” Not pleasant. The movie focuses on three characters, a Stasi policeman, a famous playwright, and the playwright’s girlfriend - a famous actress.

I loved the way the settings and color match the mood and personalities of the characters in this movie. Wiesler, the Stasi policeman is a stoic, methodical, and diligent character. The film reflects his personality by always surrounding him with a simple, monochromatic setting.  He’s like a machine. Dreyman, the playwright, and Christa-Maria, his actress girlfriend, are the complete opposite. They’re artists and lovers who are trusting and playful. Their lives are portrayed with warm brown and tan colors. As the characters become more affected by one another, these colors and settings begin to mix more and more.

The plot: Wiesler becomes suspicious of Dreyman and is told to monitor his apartment. He listens and records Dreyman’s life, looking for any evidence of disloyalty. However, as he listens, he begins to feel more empathy for Dreyman’s situation. One of Dreyman’s friends, a blacklisted director, commits suicide which prompts Dreyman to voice his growing unease about East Germany in an article published in the West under a pseudonym. Of course, the Stasi aren’t happy about this article and make every effort to try and find out who wrote it. Wiesler, having become more aware of his own loneliness and unhappiness is forced to either hide what he knows about Dreyman, or turn him in.

I was struck by the evolution of Wiesler’s character throughout the film. After the blacklisted director kills himself, there’s an amazing scene where Dreyman is playing a piece of piano music that the director had given him shortly before his death. The piece, called “Sonata for a Good Man,” beautifully captures the despair and sadness of the moment. Wiesler, becomes visibly affected by it and begins to cry while Dreyman says to his girlfriend, “Can anyone who has heard this music, I mean truly heard it, really be a bad person?” That, and other poignant moments in the film show Wiesler as he awakens to the world around him, his ideals challenged. I don’t want to write too much more about the story because it’s a thriller, and let’s just say, it has a great ending.

I definitely recommend this movie to anyone who loves a dramatic, historical movie, with amazing character development. The visuals and sound design are also incredible. The second time I watched this film, I plugged in my good headphones and was really impressed by the precision of the sound and soundtrack.

At 2 hours 17 minutes, it’s not an quick watch, but The Lives of Others is a beautiful portrait of humanity in a dark period of recent history.

-Chad Jewsbury Chicago, IL

Freeze Frame

Starring: Lee Evans, Rachael Stirling Directed by: John Simpson

Freeze Frame is the story of a man accused, wrongfully, he contends, of a triple murder.  The case is dismissed due to lack of evidence, so the accused, Sean Veil, does what any rational person would do.  He starts to tape himself 24 hours a day to assure if he is ever again accused of such a crime, he will have the evidence with which to exonerate himself.

He has cameras in his bedroom, his foyer, outside his door, cameras in the room where he monitors the cameras, even cameras in the loo.  When he leaves the house he straps a giant camera to his chest.  Questions like, “What in the hell does he do when he goes to work?” aren’t really bothered with.

Eventually Detective Louis Emeric and Forensic Profiler Saul Seger, the duo responsible for accusing Veil of the original crime, make another appearance at Veil’s house.  They want to know where he was on a specific date in the middle of October five years ago.  They have found a dead body and believe Veil to be the culprit yet again.

Lucky for Veil, he keeps tapes of all day every day in a giant vault, all he will have to do is retrieve the night in question.  But, lo and behold, when he goes to collect them the night in question has disappeared.  Veil escapes the police through a trap door and spends the rest of the film trying to clear his name.

Lee Evans does a fantastic job as Veil, a neurotic, tightly wound paranoid who keeps you guessing about his innocence until the final frame.  The direction is solid, and nicely balances a mix of film and “documented” footage.

That’s about where the niceties of this particular film end.  The supporting cast are mostly a mediocre lot, although I’m unsure how much is their fault and how much is poor scripting.  The main portion of the plot, Veil’s 24-hour surveillance of himself, which seems engaging and original, quickly turns in to more of an afterthought.  It starts as a way to examine the psyche of our (anti?) hero, only to quickly devolve into a vehicle by which the characters in the film can explain things they would never usually have any way to explain.

The plot spends so much time focusing on Veil and so little time focusing on either of the crimes that, by the time it comes to reveal whodunit, the filmmakers have to resort to one of the worst story devices in order to clarify the convoluted plot:  Just have somebody sit down and explain it for no apparent reason.

I was pretty engrossed in this film for the better part of an hour, despite some plotting that seemed a little forced.  Then, when the final act comes , the explanation is illogical, the acting is wooden, and the dialogue is forced and stilted, but mostly because it was written that way and not because the actors aren’t trying their damndest.  It is most unfortunate as an intriguing premise and a great lead performance are wasted.

Written by Ryan Venson

Red

Starring: Irène Jacob, Jean-Louis Trintignant Directed by: Krzysztof Kieslowski

Of the Trois Couleurs trilogy, I do believe Krzysztof Kieslowski saved the best for last.

Red is powerful because it is understated and deliberate.  Normally red signifies power, fire, passion…bold forces that impetuously sweep through with sound and fury (such as Dominique from White).   The main storyline in Red actually unfolds very simply.

Valentine (Irène Jacobs) meets an older man (Jean-Louis Trintignant) with a seemingly indifferent outlook on everything after she accidentally hits his dog with her car.   He tells her to keep the dog, but it ends up running away from her in the park and leading her back to him.  The bond that develops between Valentine and this man – a former judge – is very subtle.  It develops over time, like a Polaroid photo, rather than emerging in a flash.

Red explores other types of relationships – shades of romantic, familial – but primarily at a distance. Valentine's boyfriend is traveling abroad, so their only connection is through a phone calls.  The Judge listens in on his neighbors' calls, which contain both conversations with illicit lovers as well as conversations between a young couple who are very important to the storyline as well without even knowing it.

Even more than the other two films in this trilogy, Red really stood out as artistically spectacular, particularly in visual composition:

  • Lighting: the sun through a window, the sunrise through a gate, traffic lights blurring against the night, spotlights highlighting models on the catwalk, silhouettes in the dark.
  • The storyline of Valentine's neighbor Auguste (Jean-Pierre Lorit), often in her periphery but an integral part of the overarching tale.
  • Valentine herself as both glamorously poised and emotionally vulnerable, bringing a different kind of beauty to both.

I wonder if this movie would have been as good if I hadn't seen the other two.  I certainly wouldn't have found the ending quite as entertaining, but I can't say for sure if the context is really necessary.

Overall, I would like to thank Daniel Ferreiro for insisting that I watch these films.  Even if I did not love Blue, I certainly did like White quite a bit and absolutely loved Red.

If you:

  • Like a story within a story
  • Like visually striking cinematography
  • Like the idea of a non-traditional love story

Put it in the queue!

If you:

  • Don't like symbolism
  • Need a drama to be REALLY dramatic
  • Don't like dogs

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Netflix is an Unconscionable Monster

Here’s the kind of thing that makes my blood boil. Netflix raising its rates.

Well, not that, in and of itself.  Rather the never ending tirade of assholes airing their grievances in a number of the most asinine ways.  Whenever I read thousands of negative comments, an extraordinary amount of negative backlash, and, worst of all, “writers” questioning the “reason” Netflix would raise prices, I want to stab a baby.  Make that three babies.  And a kitten.  It confuses me when a concept as simple as this one is met with a fury of utter disbelief.

To the population who just can't understand: The “reason” Netflix raised its prices is SIMPLE ECONOMICS.  Seriously, I was taught (and, I suppose, learned) simple economic principle in high school, albeit by one of the three most worthless teachers I have ever had in my life (she was a HOME economics teacher teaching regular economics, and was still number three after Mr. Green who taught my zoology class and based an ENTIRE SEMESTER of grades on one “vocabulary list,” and Mr. Clark, the basketball coach who taught my SENIOR LEVEL history class….and no, this isn’t based on an episode of the Simpsons……you know, the one where the teachers go on strike because Bart pits Mrs. Krabappel against Skinner because he doesn’t want to go to school but then Marge ends up being one of the replacement teachers which, of course, is no better, so then Bart has to trick Krabappel and Skinner again in order to bury the hatchet and get the regular teachers back in to the classroom.  You know, that episode.)

I have yet to find a single article on all of the internet which explains it as such, and if one of the three people who reads this piece can find any such article, please forward it to me so I can immediately amend what I have written here.

Here’s the deal folks.  According to Netflix’s (man, say that possessive out loud.  Sounds terrible.)  website, they have just over 23 million customers in the US and Canada alone (http://ir.netflix.com/).  Let’s just say the number is exactly 23 million.  For the sake of a whole number.

Now, let’s say the most popular Netflix choice is having one DVD out while also being able to have unlimited streaming.  How about 60% of the 23 million, or approximately 14 million, hold this particular option?  I have no idea what the numbers actually are, but for the sake of this exercise it is fair enough.  The price was $10 a month, and now they have raised their rates 60%, to a staggering $16 a month.

First I would say not too long ago we were all renting videos from a video store, where prices were probably somewhere around $4 for new arrivals and $2 for older videos.  If you were renting one new arrival and one old film a week, you were spending $24 a month, and that doesn’t include TV shows, which often had to be rented by the disc, or any late fees you might accrue, or films “rented out,” or movies simply not available in the inventory.  If that seems more efficient to you, I suggest you high tail it to the nearest Blockbuster or simply use movies on demand.

Secondly I would argue $6 a month is $72 a year or, even at the middling sum I am paid, not even a full day’s work.  Stretched over the course of a YEAR.  If you can’t find a way to squirrel away an extra $6 a month, maybe you shouldn’t have Netflix at all.

Here are some other numbers for you to give a little thought.

Using the 14 million customers posited earlier under the $10 a month plan, the amount Netflix would be raking from those customers alone would be $140,000,000.  At an increase to $16 a customer, in order to match that amount, Netflix simply has to retain approximately 63% of its customers.  That means it could afford to lose about 5,250,000.  For those of you who have trouble deciphering numerical characters, that’s over FIVE MILLION CUSTOMERS.  They could completely LOSE that amount and still be exactly where they are right now.

So let’s say ONE MILLION people are so upset about having to pay an additional $6 a month they completely quit the service.  One MILLION people.  Just think about how many that is for a minute, and then let me assure you one million people are not simply going to quit using Netflix over $6 a month.  But, just for the sake of everybody crying in their beers, let’s say a million.  Now they have a lowly 13 million customers at $16 a month.  That’s $208,000,000 a month.  That’s an increase of SIXTY-EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS, and that’s if they LOSE ONE MILLION CUSTOMERS.

For everybody trying to figure out a “reason” or claiming they are slapping their customers in the face just for the sake of it or one of the other ridiculous notions I have read over the course of the last few weeks on the interwebz, I have to simply say that most of you, at least are getting it right; it’s mostly greed.  You are looking for some deeper meaning where there is none.  But please also remember people, this is one of the main downfalls of the economy.  You want Netflix to charge you nothing, but you also want them to be able to pay for streaming rights, movies for the library, AND employ the masses at a liveable wage.  Don’t ask for too much, eh.

Why in the hell are you looking for a deeper reasoning in the rising cost of an entertainment sundry?  It’s a business, it’s Capitalism, it’s the very, very, very, very, very, easiest, simplest idea of economics, the most basic economic principle to comprehend.  It’s supply and demand people.  I assure you, if Netflix raises their prices and lose eight million customers, the price will come down.  If not, then it won’t.  It’s that simple.  They are trying to maximize profit, trying to reach the equilibrium pricing for their product.  That’s what you do, as a business.

They aren’t going to shed a tear at the loss of a handful of customers  who in absolutely no way effect their bottom line.  It’s want vs. need.  It’s a luxury.  Of course you don’t WANT to pay more, but such is Capitalism.  You’re simply fooling yourself in to thinking these pointless diatribes on your favorite social networking site actually mean something to Netflix, or losing a customer….or a couple thousand….impacts them in any meaningful way.  Maybe it makes you feel better to voice your opinion (as it does me) but maybe it should be done in a more respectful, knowledgeable voice.  Also, if you think you are actually effecting anything, dear friend, you are incorrect.

So go ahead, punish yourself.  Fool yourself in to thinking Blockbuster streaming is just as good, or the $6 extra a month just “isn’t worth it.”  Complain for the sake of complaining.  That’s fine for you.  Me?  I think it’s still a pretty fair price, so I’m going to go stream the next episode of “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” directly to my 42” HD television wirelessly via my Sony Blu-Ray player.  Just because I can.

Biddi biddi biddi biddi  Buck.  Biddi biddi biddi.

Written by Ryan Venson

Sherlock Holmes

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams Directed by: Guy Ritchie

Not having read many of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories, I normally picture the eccentric and brilliant sleuth as an introspective, pipe smoking, violin playing guy who doesn't do much else than solve crimes in his deerstalker hat and hang out in his study.

Certainly I was among those who saw trailers of Sherlock Holmes featuring action sequences, including the hero himself using carefully calculated ninja skills, taking out the bad guys, diving out of windows being in near proximity to explosions.  I approached the movie with caution – interested, but unsure it would really deliver.

The most surprising part of the movie was the acting.  Robert Downey Jr. was completely amazing as a Sherlock Holmes who is physically as well as mentally sharp, a complete disaster that can pull himself together to be a charmer in short order, and all with a wonderfully dry sense of humor. Basically, he adapted Sherlock Holmes to be Robert Downey Jr.

Jude Law undergoes a more impressive transformation playing Watson.  This is the first movie I can think of where he hasn't been a womanizing dandy – he's somewhat romantically awkward as Watson, Holmes' partner in crime-solving adventures.

The storyline is a bit mediocre, or at least very typical of ye old late 19th century/early 20th century British literature.  (For the record, I have been on quite an Agatha Christie kick lately, and she also uses some similar devices).   Immediately as the movie starts, Holmes and Watson capture a fellow who fancies himself a sorcerer and is about to offer up a female sacrifice.  He is carted off to jail, hanged and buried…and then busts out of his tomb. Literally.

With the seemingly supernatural Lord Blackwood (Mark Strong) on the loose and threatening to take over the world, the game is afoot.  The film is stuffed with a secret society, a mysterious and not quite trustworthy former flame (Rachel McAdams) of Sherlock's who returns to both confound the detecting process and offer some clues, and evidence that makes no sense until Sherlock explains it.

Visually, the movie is interesting.  My favorite scenes are those illustrating Sherlock as he is in the middle of an action sequence, and the audience is treated to a snapshot of his thinking through the next four or five hits necessary to knock out or 'neutralize' the target. Similarly, scenes when he analyzes a person – such as Watson's lady friend – are hilarious. The action sequences are believable – Sherlock has some chops, but within reasonable limits.

In short, I am very much looking forward to the sequel.\

If you:

  • Like an action film with a brain
  • Like a good mystery
  • Like Robert Downey Jr.

Put it in the queue!

If you:

  • Prefer a more scholarly Sherlock
  • Prefer a more seductive Jude Law
  • Are unduly irritated when you can't figure out a mystery as the clues are being revealed (i.e. you can't deduce as well as the detective)

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Rifftrax

Many years ago, my buddy Ash and I went to the video store in an attempt to find something we hadn’t seen yet. What we settled on was Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie. Making Comedy Central available was not a big priority in my small town, so I had never watched an episode of the television show, and had no idea what I what to expect. MST3K: The Movie made me laugh harder than I could remember, and it instantly became one of my favorite “go to” movies. For those of you who don’t know what the show is; it is basically a man and two puppet robots that watch terrible movies and make fun of them. Simple and brilliant. Sadly, like most television shows, MST3K had to come to an end. And while there are almost 200 two hour long episodes, I found that after a few years I wanted something new. Luckily I wasn’t the only person who felt this way, and where there is demand, supply usually follows. What was born was Rifftrax. Rifftrax is made up of several of the people who made fun of movies on MST3K, and is essentially the same formula of making fun of movies. What makes Rifftrax different is that they are no longer bound, mostly because of copyrights, to just watch bad older movies. The cast takes on current and classic blockbusters like the Star Wars films and the Harry Potter series. They sidestep copyright laws by just recording a commentary that listeners can download and play along with the film. It is kind of like the whole Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz thing, but much cooler, and fewer velvet black light posters.

On occasion Rifftrax will also do live events that are streamed into theaters around the country. I have been fortunate enough to attend a few of these screenings, and they do not disappoint. Most recently I went to see them make fun of a movie that I used to watch all the time as a child, Jack the Giant Killer. This certainly isn’t as famous as many of the movies used by Rifftrax, but it still holds a special place in my heart. It turns out the movie wasn’t as good as I remember it being when I was 7 years old, but it provided perfect fodder for the Rifftrax crew. Explaining the show would be too difficult, so just watch the clip below, and visit Rifftrax.com when you get a chance. They even show you which movies are available on Netflix streaming in case you don’t own every movie they riff about.

I do appreciate that my last post was about how much I hate people talking during movies, and then follow it up with a post about how much I love certain people talking during certain movies.

The Exterminating Angel

Directed by: Luis Buñuel
What does it take to strip away the trappings of civility and reveal the true nature of people?  The Exterminating Angel (El Ángel Exterminador) attempts to do this by showing just how thick – or maybe how thinly – humans lay on the social graces.  The premise is simple: a wealthy couple invites 10-15 of their friends over for a dinner party.  Before and during the party, most of the servants find excuses to leave the house, ultimately leaving only one butler.
This isn’t really the problem, however.  Once the guests retire to the parlor to chat, play the piano, sing and generally socialize, they can’t seem to make their way out of the room.  Several attempt, but then get sidetracked as soon as they approach the threshold.
What follows over the next week or so is pretty much a sociology experiment. How do the hosts respond to their guests far overstaying their welcome past the respectable social hour?  Will the guests understand forces out of their control are at work, or will they blame their hosts? How will the engaged couple trapped in the room deal with the delay of their wedding?  How will the guests react to the illness of a guest with a heart condition?  How will these pampered socialites deal with hunger, thirst, temptations and the inability to have all their immediate needs met by servants – especially after the one remaining butler gets stuck in the enchanted room as well?
These and other key questions are answered. It’s almost like the Real World of the privileged class – the audience waits for the group to stop being polite and start being real so we can watch the train wreck.  However, the movie also generally questions how ‘civilized’ are we in the first place, especially as it only takes a relatively short period of irritation to blow up at each other and a proper society matron carries around chicken feet in her handbag just because she had the feeling occult talismans might be needed at a dinner party.
If you:
·         Like existential literature/film.
·         Like to ponder symbolism and philosophical elements in film.
·         Like reality shows that stuff a bunch of vaguely associated people together in close quarters just to see them have meltdowns
Put it in the queue!
However, if you:
·         Prefer a more action-packed film
·         Are not interested in watching a sociology experiment because Lord of the Flies was convincing enough for you
·         Are creeped out by people letting unusual pets (i.e. sheep) roam about the house
Don’t put it in the queue.
Written by Jennifer Venson

White

While I was watching White, I tried to pay more attention to the color symbolism, etc. than I did in Blue.  I do not really think this played a strong factor in my enjoyment of the film.  However, I did like White much better because it was a comedy (albeit a dark one at that). Karol (Zbigniew Zamachowski) is having a really bad day.  He has a summons to appear at court, gets splattered by an errant pigeon on his way to the courtroom, and then his wife divorces him for failure to consummate the marriage.  Struggling through the proceedings with a translator because the Polish Karol does not speak strong French, shamed by his ex-wife (who says she doesn’t love him anymore because he couldn’t get it up after they were married) and denied his request for more time, Karol is – no pun intended – screwed.

His ex-wife Dominique (Julie Delpy) has the apartment, the salon they co-own, and the money he had in the bank.  Left only with a moderately-sized trunk of his belongings and completely unrequited love for his ex-wife, Karol starts sleeping in the subway and playing Polish folk tunes via a comb-turned-harmonica for coins.  Mikolaj, (Janusz Gajos) recognizes the tune and approaches Karol with an offer to take him back to Poland as well as a strange job proposition.

Eventually accepting both, Karol gets back to Poland through unusual means, then has another absurd turn of luck ending in his being beaten rather badly by thieves.  His fortune improves as he is able to stagger back to the family salon and begin to re-build his life.

Driven by his enduring love for the seemingly underserving Dominique (richly symbolized by objects he brought back from Paris), Karol builds a new life and fully embodies ‘revolutionary ideals’ as his bad fortune reverses itself in post-Communist Poland.

Karol is likeable (though pathetic at times) and the ending is weird, but at least there is continuous action.  According to Wikipedia, this is considered the weakest of the trilogy, but I thought it was pretty entertaining and still better than Blue.

If you:

  • Like dark comedies
  • Believe the following statement is true:  “Sometimes you’re the statue; sometimes you’re the pigeon”
  • Think revenge is a dish best served slightly ridiculous

Put it in the queue!

If you:

  • Prefer all your symbolism serious
  • Don’t like the old ‘fake your own death’ ploy
  • Are tired of watching movies where guys follow their exes around like lost sheep just begging for a mocking word or a kick to the emotional ribs

Don’t put it in the queue.  (And if you identify with the third reason, you should also probably take a break from watching movies starring Michael Cera.)

Written by Jennifer Venson

Shut the %&#$ Up!

Not long ago, a video clip from the Alamo Drafthouse began making its way around the internet. This PSA, which plays before the feature presentation, played the audio and showed a transcript from an angry voicemail that an irate customer left for the theater. Apparently the moviegoer was more than a little upset about being kicked out of the theater for texting. This film was a hit with almost anyone who watched it, and CNN’s Anderson Cooper spent several minutes praising the clip, while making fun of the woman.  Have things really gotten so bad at the movies as to justify theaters not only kicking out patrons, but ridiculing their complaints nightly? Yes, they have. I go to the movies more than the average American*, so I have more opportunities to have people disrupt my films. But while Ryan and I used to complain about the occasional disturbance, we now find ourselves surprised when the crowd manages to behave.  I don’t remember when things got so turned around, but I do remember some of the better examples of people behaving badly.

1. There is no explaining my buddy David’s man-crush on Tommy Lee Jones. It was his sick infatuation that led us to the Rules of Engagement. David and I noticed early on that things were going to go south in this particular viewing, when the gaggle of preteens came wondering in during the trailers. Certainly when I think of a military legal drama, I think preteens. Much to our surprise they immediately began to start talking, running around, and swapping seats during the movie. This was in my young, non-confrontational days, so I just sat there and tried to continue to watch the movie, but it was easy to find the people who were slowly getting fed up with the constant chatter from the back rows. There was a middle aged man, maybe 50, who was just down the row from David and I. Every few minutes he would turn around and glare at the kids several row back. The older gentlemen did this for the first half of the movie before leaving in search of an usher. Miraculously the kids were asked to leave the theater, and I settled in to enjoy Tommy Lee Jones eating up screen time. Of course the guy who got the kids kicked out decided to fill the void that he created. Anytime Tommy Lee Jones would ask a question in the movie, the older man would yell the answer back at the screen. This continued for the rest of the film. At least being an ass has nothing to do with age.

2. If you listen to the podcast “Coming Off the Reels”, you may have heard this story before. Early on, I was not very excited about X-Men: First Class, but as early reviews were overwhelmingly positive, I figured it was something that needed to be seen. Ryan and I arrived early, so it is was just a roll of the dice as to who would eventually sit around us. Snake Eyes! A couple in their late teens sat behind us, a twentysomething couple in front of us. The couple behind us were talking during the trailers, which while I don’t like, I understand that some people don’t care about previews like I do.  It was when the couple continued to talk well into the movie that I started to lose my patience. About 30 minutes into the movie, I finally turned around and asked them to be quiet. In their defense, the movie was pretty loud, so I suppose they might have thought I said, “Please speak louder than the characters in the movie.” So as I am sitting there thinking about sucker punching a couple of teenagers, the woman in front of me decides that this would be a good time to check her texts and her voicemail.  That was pretty much it for me, and I decided to try and find an employee who could maybe pop their head in and take a look from time to time. Being that it was an afternoon show, the staffing was pretty light, and no help could be found. I begrudgingly returned to my seat, defeated. After the next random outburst from the couple behind us, Ryan asked if we could just move seats. We ended up in the back row, but at least it seemed quieter. A few minutes go by and we hear an odd noise. Ryan and I look at each other and both share a deflated laugh as we realize that the people in front of us have brought their newborn to the theater. I don’t know much about kids, but I am pretty sure that babies who don’t even have the strength to hold up their own heads love crazy loud comic book movies.  At least the mother would take the baby out each time that it started fussing, but that too was a distraction.  Still, X-Men: First Class was pretty good movie and I can’t wait to watch it again…alone.

3. There is so much about this story that still feels weird to me. First, this was at a showing of Mystery Men. Yeah, some people actually paid money to see this one. Secondly, the showing of this movie was packed…Mystery Men! Even then I thought it was odd that so many people showed up, and I ended up having to sit in the back row again. A few rows in front of me was a group of teens, our usual suspects, and in front of them was an older man who kind of reminded me of Santa Clause…if Santa spent most of his life working in a coal mine. The kids talked and carried on, but what was really getting to Santa was that the kids kept putting their feet up on his seat, taking them off, and then putting them back up again. This went on for a while until Santa got up, moved to a seat behind the teenagers and sat there quietly…waiting. The next time the kids started to misbehave, Santa sprang into action. Saint Nick began kicking the back of the teen’s seats so hard that they were falling to the floor. Each time Santa’s foot found its mark he would shout “HOW…DO YOU…LIKE IT? HOW…DO YOU…LIKE IT?” Then Santa stood, kicked the seat one last time for good measure, and left. It was Mystery Men, so he really didn’t miss much.

The thing is, with the exception of the recently watched X-Men movie, I don’t remember much about the other two films mentioned above, and that is unusual for me. However, I vividly remember the people who ruined the movies.

Anyone who knows me, know how much I love going to the movies. In a time when the world seems to be getting worse every day, movies are a beautiful escape. Instead, I am forced to contend with a growing number of people who think you can act the same way at the movies as you do at bars. You pay your $10 cover, and come on in and talk to your friends, try and hook up with someone, make a fool of yourself, without caring if you are destroying the experience for someone else. Hmm, maybe if theaters had the same bouncers who work outside of nightclubs, I could get a little silence.

In the end, I will still pay my money and take my chances that people will shut up when the lights go out. If theaters want to make more of my money they could add a set of shows, maybe on Sunday morning, and tell people that during these shows, silence will be strictly enforced. I promise I will get up and go every week. Until then I would love to hear other stories of terrible trips to the movies. We can start a kind of support group. Together we can overcome, or at least find that Santa guy and have him start some shit.

*According to a survey done by the MPAA in 2007, the average American goes to the movies less than six times a year. I average closer to 35-40 visits to the movies each year.

Written by Drew Martin

Tree of Life

the-tree-of-life-trailer
the-tree-of-life-trailer

Blockbuster season is upon us, and we invited Amanda Trice to sit in with us to discuss one of the biggest of the summer.  Stalwart leading man Brad Pitt plays the lead in “Tree of Life.”  Pitt plays O’Brien, an inventor and thrill seeker.  He and his estranged wife, played by Jessica Chastain, get themselves in to a number of ill-advised predicaments in this rom/com/thriller which can only be described as Inspector Gadget meets Mission Impossible.  In the middle there’s some sort of hokeyness about our place in the universe, and how we deal with loss, and the nature of God, but that portion of the film is fleeting.  Mostly it’s about Brad Pitt fighting dinosaurs.

Winnebago Man

Starring: Jack Rebney Directed by: Ben Steinbauer

Some of my reviews have been criticized – and fairly so – for not really analyzing symbolism and such in movies. I don't tend to enjoy artsy films with hidden meanings, metaphorical stories within stories, allegories, allusions.  The main reason I never pursued a graduate degree in comparative literature is that I didn't see the point of re-reading and re-analyzing The Scarlet Letter, Beowulf and select stories from The Canterbury Tales again.

So it may surprise you this review is for a documentary about an Everyman character.  Of course, he's no Young Goodman Brown.  No, this is Jack Rebney.  Far from Puritan in his vocabulary, this proficiently-swearing symbol of frustration became a viral video icon even before YouTube was a glimmer in the Interwebs.

A reel of outtakes from a corporate Winnebego sales video made Rebney a star.  It's a ~5 minute video with clips of Rebney swearing about forgetting his lines, swearing about the heat, swatting at (and swearing at) flies disrupting the shoot.  It is a tapestry of profanity only the truly crabby at heart can weave together, intermingled with sheer irritation stemming from a difficult task.  Most of us have had days like this, and am personally very happy mine have never been caught on tape.

Unfortunately for Rebney, this film made it to the corporate office and led to the end of his career at Winnebego.  Director Ben Steinbauer decided to seek out the man – now an internet celebrity – and see where life has taken him.

Steinbauer approaches the topic with pop-culture laden curiosity.  Citing examples of other Internet celebrities – particularly those who didn't want the notoriety and experienced significant humiliation because of it, such as Star Wars Kid – he wants to know what became of Rebney.  The man himself is difficult to track down, finally discovered as the caretaker living in the mountains in northern California.  At first he is the picture of calm – a far cry from his video persona.   Just a peaceable old man living in the mountains, enjoying the solitude.

It does not seem like Steinbauer will have a very interesting documentary. Then Rebney contacts him and admits he did not give an accurate portrayal of his true character.  As he and Steinbauer build rapport, he reveals his true semi-cranky self.  However, he is not all bluster – he is an intelligent man with a great vocabulary, an affection for his dog, and a firm belief Dick Cheney has really screwed up the economy.

Though Steinbauer continually presses him to talk more about himself and share his views with his internet fans, Rebney hesitates.  He cannot believe he has die-hard fans, and figures they must all be a bunch of buffoons.  For a second time, the documentary nearly grinds to a halt.

Fortunately, Steinbauer invites Rebney to an event where he will meet his fans.  Reluctantly he goes, assuming he will find a bunch of lowbrows who have nothing better to do than watch stupid videos on the internet – and no, he will not stand around signing autographs.

Winnebego Man is both hilarious and heartwarming, annoying (well, mostly Steinbauer is annoying) and inspiring, and most of all – something Everyman (or Everywoman) who has had a really, really bad day at work can enjoy.

If you:

  • Are crabby
  • Swear a lot
  • Are reasonably intelligent but still like watching stupid videos on YouTube from time to time

Put it in the queue!

If you:

  • Are offended by profanity
  • Are super positive all the time
  • Do not believe Dick Cheney is a buffoon

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Blue

Starring: Juliette Binoche Directed by: Krzysztof Kieslowski

I watched Blue at the recommendation of my friend Daniel Ferreiro, who guaranteed I would love it. Still, I approached this movie with some hesitation as he and I do not always see eye-to-eye on films.

I can say that the movie was artfully made, with nice symbolic devices – the blue tint to the lighting in many scenes, the ‘fugue states’ the main character has throughout. However, I found much of the movie dreadfully boring.  Very little happens throughout the first hour of the film, which made roughly 90 minute feel like so much longer.

Within the first ten minutes, a single-car accident kills the husband and young daughter of Julie (Juliette Binoche) as they travel to an event. Waking up in the hospital, Julie is listless and despondent.  She attempts to distract a nurse and overdose on pills from the pharmacy, but cannot get the pills down.  As she sits staring off into the distance, a female reporter bothers her for an interview, asking if Julie is truly the composer of her late husband’s celebrated pieces – as rumored.

As the servants and family friend Oliver (Benoît Régent) help clear out the house, Oliver finds a file folder with pictures of the composer and an unknown woman in an embrace.  He doesn’t show Julie these photos.

Julie has the house cleared out of furniture and leaves the house behind to be sold as she cuts herself off from the world, destroying the manuscript with her husband’s last composition – designed to be played only once for the European Unification ceremony.  Taking very few belongings – most importantly a chandelier made of blue crystals – she finds an apartment in Paris and attempts to cut herself off from the rest of the world.

And then for an hour, Julie wanders through life – swimming, making friends with an exotic dancer who lives in the same apartment building, visiting her senile mother, sitting in cafes…doing little to nothing.  From time to time, she fades out of the world surrounding her, lost in the composition her husband had been writing.

Finally, everything starts falling into place in the last half hour.  The mystery of the composer, the mistress…all is answered.  In about a span of 15 minutes.

If you:

  • Have patience.
  • Like hearing French spoken.
  • Like art films

Put it in the queue!

However, if you

  • Are more interested in the journey of unraveling a mystery than the actual discoveries themselves
  • Are creeped out by mice (there are a few scenes revolving around a large mouse that made its nest and gave birth in her closet)
  • Have no patience

Don’t put it in the queue.

Written by: Jennifer Venson

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-Part 2

After 10 years and 8 movies, the Harry Potter Saga has finally come to a close. Was the last installment everything we hoped it would be? Were the different arcs resolved as well as they were in the books? What parts of the movie made us cry? Why did Morgan sign on to be in Dolphin Tale? Come on Morgan! You were in The Shawshank Redemption! Now you are giving tailless dolphins prosthetic tails? And...Harry Connick Jr. is in it, and being in a movie with him has never helped anyone's career. Did you lose a bet? Yes, there are a great many questions that are posed in this weeks show. I can't promise that we will answer them all, but we certainly had fun making fun of Dolphin Tale.

Also joining us this week were Courtney Felix and Tyler Johnson.

harry potter
harry potter

Grindhouse Pt. 2 -- Death Proof

Starring: Kurt Russell, Vanessa Ferlito, Zoe Bell, Rosario Dawson Directed by: Quentin Tarantino

“Death Proof” starts out quite differently.  Instead of just throwing you in to the scrum, it starts out in a car with three lovely young ladies discussing their plans for the evening.  Sticking close to the “heavily-worn print of a film” theme there are some terrible jumps interrupting large portions of dialogue, grainy footage, and even a little poor audio thrown in.  After they talk about their plans for the evening they talk about their plans some more.  Then a little more.  And after that, a little more.  Then they go to a bar and drink some margaritas.  The film takes a while to get going.

The direction/cinematography incorporates a lot of color, but still distinctly 70s, sticking to the same formula as “Planet Terror.”  Lots of orange/brown/red/with flecks of green.  The sets are made to look like the 70s, with vintage posters everywhere, pinned on bar walls laden with faux-wood paneling.  The clothes the characters are wearing are 70s-ish as well -- daisy dukes and ultra small t-shirts with the colored stripes around the neck and sleeves.  The direction itself is actually very modern with a lot of interesting shots, reminding me something I often forget -- Tarantino is actually quite a good director.

There is, however, one small flaw in the film: Nothing ever happens.  Ever.  When it was released separately of “Planet Terror”, it was re-edited and given a 114 minute playing time.  That’s pretty long, especially for an exploitation film.  And it seems more like 314 minutes.  Waiting for that big action sequence at the end of the “first act?” Well, you’re gonna have to wait 50 minutes, and the scene itself is going to last about a minute and a half.  What a pay-off!

What’s weird is ““Death Proof”” itself plays like two separate films.  The first film, clocking in at about 55 minutes long, is a sly, winking, well directed homage to exploitation, even if it is a little sluggish.  The second film, which is also about 55 minutes long, is an extremely boring, overlong, overstuffed, simply mind-numbingly dull, modern piece of cinema dedicated to stunt people.

The second ““Death Proof”” act starts out the same way as the first, three lovely young ladies in a car, going to pick up a fourth.  However, this is just modern cinema.  It’s a bright, mid 2007 day, and gone are all the bad edits, scratchy film and interesting colors.  The only thing tying this to the first portion of the film is Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell).

There’s a lengthy conversation about picking up a copy of “Italian Vogue” which is utterly and fascinatingly uninteresting.   On the way to wherever they are going, the ladies spend six minutes in a car talking about sex, with the majority of the dialogue based around using the word “fuck” as an adjective, noun, verb, and  pronoun.  It’s kinda’ like when you used to watch “Smurfs” as a kid.  “Hey fuck, could you go fuck me a fuck?”

After this thrilling scene, we are treated to another eight minutes of banal dialogue punctuated with fucks.  No lie. It starts out with a three minute long story about falling in to a ditch, punctuated with eleven f-bombs and topped off with the zinger “I resemble that remark.”

“I resemble that remark?”  Excuse my French, but what the fuck am I watching?!  If I had never heard the joke I wouldn’t think it’s funny, but I have heard it about a thousand times, and this is the big pay-off of the segment.  It was, during this scene, I did something I never do while watching a film.  I fast-forwarded to the next scene.  I’m not proud of it, but I think I am better off for it.

Look, I can’t complain about this portion of the film enough.  This same formula is repeated for the next twenty minutes of film, without a single line of engaging dialogue.  This isn’t an exaggeration.  All of this seems like something Kevin Smith would write.  Forty years from now.  After a stroke-induced coma.  It’s boring, it’s repetitive, it’s uninteresting, and it isn’t even vaguely humorous.

The whole crux of the “second act” is the last 15 minutes of film where an honest-to-god action piece takes place.  Zoe Bell (a real-life stunt person playing herself) convinces Kim (Tracie Thoms) to drive her around at startlingly fast speeds while she hangs out strapped to the hood of a car by a pair of belts.  This movie is so lazy it can’t even invent a reason to have an action scene besides stunt people, even when they aren’t performing stunts, like to do stupid shit that put their lives in danger.

Eventually Stuntman Mike, in his car, attacks the three girls, in their car.  There are actual stunt people hanging off vehicles whilst cars bang violently in to one another.  In a time and place where most action sequences revolve around CGI, this is a breath of fresh air.

For about two minutes.  Then it turns in to an action sequence mirroring the repetitive dialogue sequences from earlier.  The cars crash in to each other repeatedly.  The girls scream ad nauseam.  They finally get Zoe Bell off the hood of the car.  They go after Stuntman Mike.  Stuntman Mike screams ad nauseam.  And the girls, believe it or not, repetitively use the words “fuck” and “motherfucker,” until you want to tear your ears off.

Maybe I would be less critical of this film if it wasn’t part of a “grindhouse” double feature, but when I think of a modern exploitation film I think of tongue-in-cheek violence, ironic humor and, most of all fun.  This film doesn’t satisfy any of those criteria.

Written by Ryan Venson