Lake Mungo

Starring: Rosie Traynor, David Pledger, Martin Sharpe, Talia Zucker Directed by: Joel Anderson

I hate to beat a dead horse, as The Blair Witch Project and The Last Broadcast have both already been reviewed by yours truly, but with the stunning success of Paranormal Activity and the recent release of Paranormal Activity 2, I shall throw caution to the wind and review another faux-documentary right here in these very pages.

Set up documentary style, Lake Mungo begins with the Palmer family recounting the disappearance of their daughter Alice (Talia Zucker) while picnicking near the aforementioned lake in Australia.  The family alerts the authorities, and after a day’s worth of searching, Alice’s body is discovered at the bottom of the lake.

The Palmers try to carry on their life in as normal manner as can be expected after such a travesty.  But strange happenings start to occur.  Weird noises are heard throughout the house.  Their son, Mathew (Martin Sharpe), suddenly has a rash of bruises appear all over his body.  A spectral figure resembling Alice shows up in a picture taken by Mathew, an aspiring photographer.

Based on the apparition, the family decides to put video cameras around the house in hope of catching an ethereal Alice in the hallways.  Upon watching the videos, Alice is visible in much of the footage, sometimes stalking the hallways, sometimes as a reflection in a mirror or vase, and almost always effectively creepy.  As the eerie events start to culminate, The Palmers seek the help of parapsychologist Ray Kemeny (Steve Jodrell) to discover why Alice might be haunting their home.

Lake Mungo is presented as a completed documentary as opposed to “raw footage.”  After the plot of the film is presented to us, it is then seemingly resolved in most unexpected fashion half way through the movie.  This sort of red herring is commonplace in horror films, but Lake Mungo seems to have some trouble finding its footing after it self-destructs its entire storyline.  It introduces more questions and more possibilities, but they all seem a little half-baked.

However, the acting and direction in the film are well above average.  Underlying the overarching plot is a subtle undercurrent, and watching as they discuss their loss with the film crew and later with Ray adds a weight throughout the film absent from other films in this genre.  Some may complain about the pacing of the film.  While it does drag in spots, I never felt bored.

When it comes time to wrap up the film there are some plotlines seemingly forgotten and some questions unanswered, both purposely and otherwise, but the ending narrative is flawless, leaving me not only touched, but also running a chill up my spine.  Lake Mungo may make some provisions to try and keep the average film viewer interested, but if you overlook some of its flaws you will find a pitch perfect ghost story.

Written by Ryan Venson

Cemetery Man

Starring: Rupert Everett, François Hadji-Lazaro, Anna Falchi Directed by: Michele Soavi

Nine times out of ten when I'm watching some type of video-based media and exclaim, "What the hell?  That didn't make any sense," I'm watching a commercial.  The tenth time out of ten I'm usually watching a movie Ryan suggested.

Cemetery Man is one of those movies.   It starts out somewhat like an episode of Angel with the handsomely brooding and philosophizing cemetery watchman Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) roaming the night, assessing his fate.  However it also seems there will be a twinge of humor woven within as our hero nonchalantly shoots a zombie 'returner' (who has politely knocked on his door rather than just barging in as some of the mindless undead do) while carrying on a phone conversation.

It is unclear when our hero sleeps, as both he and his mentally challenged assistant Gnaghi (François Hadji-Lazaro) are out shoveling graves and disposing of zombies in the middle of the night, and greeting cemetery visitors in the day.  One such day he is strolling by a funeral in progress and instantly falls in love with one of the female mourners (Anna Falchi).  He muses on her, rhetorically wondering if he will ever see her again.

Of course she – the youthful widow of an elderly man – returns regularly to replace the flowers on her husband's grave, and Dellamorte makes a few attempts at awkward conversation before her can really capture her attention.  He seduces her with a tour of the cemetery's ossuary -- which seems very bizarre until you realize she must have a thing for old bones given she was married to a geezer and goes on about what a great lover he was.  This leads to an even more bizarre sex scene on her deceased (but not totally departed) husband's grave that ends with her being bitten by a zombie.

And this is one of the most logical parts of the film from this point onward.

The disappearance of the woman (who is never named and credited only as 'She') brings a visit from the town detective – one of several characters seemingly meant as an allegorical criticism of bureaucracy.  The disorganized clerk at Town Hall with piles of papers, forms, and general chaos is another such poke, as is the self-absorbed, election-obsessed mayor.

However, once you get into the mindset that the movie may have a deeper meaning and really get settled into the idea you might have to deconstruct this movie after watching it, things take a turn for the silly.  It involves Gnaghi falling in love with the mayor's teenage daughter, a group of youth hooligans on motorcycles and a bus full of Boy Scouts.  Then from silly to quasi-philosophical or straight up hallucinatory, Dellamorte begins having conversations with Death, who tells him to stop killing the zombies, but to instead save the trouble and kill the living.

I would liken watching Cemetery Man to the time I got somewhat lost in Rome.  I left the hotel with another person from the tour group, expecting it would be relatively simple to walk down a few streets, window shop a bit, and to enjoy the sun after being cooped up in a plane for half a day.  Instead, the streets meander around and aren't necessarily an ordered grid easy to navigate.  In fact, there does not seem to be much rhyme or reason to them.  Eventually we got back to the hotel, but it was kind of the complete opposite direction expected.

If you do choose to watch Cemetery Man, I recommend you prepare first by watching something else that doesn't make sense (like Lost Highway or Triangle) just to get you in the proper mindset.

Written by Jennifer Venson

The Descent

Starring: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza Directed by: Neil Marshall

I don’t like caves.  They are rough and craggily.  If you were climbing and you were to fall, you could easily break a bone or a head.  They are dark and cold.  Often times they have an unpleasant aroma.  When I was young I played “Spelunker” on Nintendo.  It was one of the worst games I have ever played.  I think this contributed to my unsubstantiated fear in caves.

I can’t imagine enjoying caving as a pastime.  Apparently it happens though.  And this is the backdrop for the film The Descent.

Six female friends decide to take a caving trip in the Appalachians.  There is some superficial background exposition about helping Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) get over the loss of her husband, who died the year before in a violent car wreck.  This is a plot point that resurfaces from time to time in the film, but isn’t really the meat and potatoes.

The girls descend in to the depths.  As they navigate a particularly dark, tight tunnel, it collapses behind them, effectively sealing off the entrance.  This doesn’t seem like a problem as there are other exits in this particular cave system.  That is, until headstrong Juno (Natalie Mendoza) admits she has taken them in to an unmapped system…you know, for the sake of discovery!

As the six friends trudge aimlessly around the cave hoping to discover an exit, the film becomes more and more claustrophobic.  There is a real feeling of despair.  Nobody on the outside who might notice their disappearance knows which cave system they are in.  It’s cold.  One of the girls falls and breaks a leg.  Add a bevy of half-humanoid cave-evolved mutants to the mix, and despair turns in to outright hysteria.

The Descent is somewhat indebted to films like Aliens and Pitch Black, borrowing the standard formula of picking off unwitting innocents by an unknown malevolent race.  But making small adjustments on an old recipe keeps it fresh.  Instead of aliens, differentially evolved humanoids; instead of an unknown planet, a cave setting; instead of a diversely gendered group of actors, an all female cast.  These tweaks make all the difference.

In addition to those changes in the formula, the film crew itself is flawless in execution.  The make-up/special effects group create a completely realistic creature, there is no reliance on CGI.  In particular, cinematographer Sam McCurdy and Neil Marshall do a masterful job in direction.  The caves themselves become characters; sometimes wide open inviting creature attacks, sometimes closing in on the heroes and, above all, always foreboding and dark but never murky.

Films like The Cave or The Relic or even The Descent 2, sadly enough, are the sort of pedestrian executions viewers are used to seeing for this sort of film.  The Descent rises above these because of the talent involved.

Written by Ryan Venson

The Bottom of the Barrel

To be honest, I really don’t feel like watching and writing about another horror movie. Don’t get me wrong, I like horror, I am just getting a little burnt out on it lately. Not to mention that most movies in the genre are uninspired pieces of garbage that have no business being viewed by anyone, ever.  To save you from making some of the same mistakes I have, I will be writing a little bit about several movies that you should make a point to steer clear of at all costs.

Ankle Biters

The best thing about Ankle Biters is trying to describe it to you friends. A movie about a town that becomes overrun with midget vampires who are trying to get an ancient sword so that can make regular size vampires...how could this possibly be anything but amazing? The problem, of course, is production value. Imagine if a 4 year old kid got drunk, grabbed an old VHS video camera and just started running around filming. Do you have that image in your head? Well that still can’t prepare you for how this movie turned out. Most of the time you have to just guess what everyone is talking about because the audio is almost nonexistent. Save yourself the time of watching this movie, and just enjoy the fine tagline instead.

“Three feet tall! Two inch fangs!”

Jigsaw

Kids today will hear “Jigsaw” and automatically think of the villain from the Saw movies, but two years before Cary Elwes was hacking off his own leg, the real Jigsaw was making terrible movies. Jigsaw is the story of a group of college art students who are given a very unusual project. They are all given different pieces of a skeleton and must decorate the piece as they see fit. I think each piece is supposed to represent part of the student’s fears, but who can be sure. Like most classes I attended in college, the teacher has the students gather at a bar in the middle of nowhere to present their work. They quickly assemble the newly decorated body, name him Jigsaw, and then set him on fire. Jigsaw ain’t no sucker though, and he comes to life and begins killing the students.

No gore, no nudity, no budget. I at least give the movie credit for having our monster come to life for no good reason. Jigsaw wasn’t struck by lightning, dropped in radioactive material, or covered in the blood of Satan.  Jigsaw just kind of exists. One good point is not enough to erase another wasted evening watching this terrible waste of celluloid.

House of the Devil

Unlike the first two films I wrote about today, this was actually a very well received film. House of the Devil is the story of a young girl, Samantha, who needs money for her new apartment. She sees a sign about a babysitting job and she decides to call. Once at the house she finds out that the job is actually to babysit for a couple’s invalid mother. Samantha tries to back out, but the couple offers her more money, so she takes the job. Then shenanigans occur, demonic rituals take place, blah blah blah.

This film was set in, and painstakingly shot like, the horror films of the early 1980’s. To the filmmaker’s credit, it is freakishly accurate to films of that era. The well crafted visual style is the biggest thing that separates this movie from Jigsaw or Ankle Biters. What House of the Devil has in common with those other two movies is that hardly anything happens. I cannot remember the last time I was as bored watching a movie as when I watched House of the Devil. I mean you would think that at the devil’s house crazy shit would be happening all the time, but it feels more like an evening at Shady Groves Retirement Village.

You should probably try and watch at least one of these movies just so you can say you watched it, and as much as it pains me to say it, House of the Devil is probably the best of the three, but that is still a long ways from anything that I would call good. So if you find yourself at a video store this coming Halloween weekend, don’t just blindly pick out a movie because the box looks cool, or the premise sounds interesting. Do your research, or you may get stuck with werewolves in wheelchairs, filmed with someone’s cell phone.

Written by Drew Martin

Dead Snow

Starring: Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen, Charlotte Frogner Directed by: Tommy Wirkola

Winter is pretty scary.  I mean, even the holiday favorite "Let It Snow" quickly admits that the weather outside can be frightful.

That's nothing compared to having the scenic mountainscape outdoors crawling with Nazi zombies.  The hills are literally alive with the sound of typical grunts and moans of the walking rotten. It's even worse when they can break through the flimsy walls of your cabin and making the party indoors the antithesis of delightful.

The Norwegian film Død Snø (Dead Snow for you English speakers out there) is the perfect formula horror film.  A co-ed group of medical students head up to a remote mountain cabin for a beer-soaked Easter holiday weekend.  There is one snowmobile among them; everyone else has to follow the tracks after Vegard (Lasse Valdal) rides ahead.  He is the only one who knows the way to the cabin, which belongs the parents of his girlfriend, Sara.

As the characters make the 45-minute walk to the cabin and realize they are without cell phone service, they begin speculating on how many movies start out this way, citing Friday the 13^th, Evil Dead, and several others.  What really struck me as funny about this, and multiple other movie references throughout the film, is they are spoken in English.  I guess we go around saying "Hasta la vista, baby," and other such phrases, but it is always a little weird to be reading my movie and all of a sudden hearing the words rather than a torrent of Germanic speech.

Regardless, the stage is set for a random visitor (Bjørn Sundquist) that shows up at the cabin on the first night. It is not Sara, who was supposed to ski in earlier to meet them. Instead, there is a rugged man at the door who asks for a cup of coffee, insults it, then launches into a tale about how a group of cruel Nazi soldiers inhabited the town below the mountains and stole valuables from the locals before the citizens turned against them.  Apparently the wily Colonel Herzog and some of his soldiers escaped into the mountains…but likely froze to death.  But the mountains are still an evil place, and the partying students are not giving it the proper respect.

Of course as soon as he takes his leave, it's back to European heavy metal and pilsner. However…anyone taking a quick trip to the outhouse knows there's something lurking in the woods that could slit your throat or tear out your intestines without blinking a bulging eye.

By the next day, fearless leader Vegard takes the snowmobile to go search for Sara, leaving the car keys with the others in case he doesn't come back. With that vote of confidence plus their finding a box of gold coins and jewelry (presumably the Nazis' stolen treasure) they are ripe for a confrontation.

What is awesome about the next ~40 minutes of the movie is how all the familiar conventions of the typical and campy horror flick are employed, but in no way does this detract from the excitement.  The chases are thrilling – these aren't typical shambling mindless zombies, they are strategic and quick.  They know the landscape better than you.  They don't get tired from running around in the snow like a frightened animal (and they sure aren't frightened by these mere humans).

These students are no slouches though in trying to preserve their lives.  One puts his medical training to use by creating impromptu stitches with materials found in an ordinary tackle box.  One creates a mini avalanche to try and bury one of the zombies before it gets close enough to bite.  One blows up a bunch of zombies with their own grenade – despite his (or her) intestines being strewn about the snow.

Will any of the students survive?  Will Colonel Herzog gloat over the scattered corpses of the students, gloating "I'll be back" to terrorize again?  I highly recommend you watch this movie and find out.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Masters of Horror: Dario Argento

Starring: Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming, Meat Loaf, Ellen Ewusie Directed by: Dario Argento

Never being a fellow who has coughed up the extra money for “premium” cable channels…like your HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, etc….I missed the original run of Masters of Horror when it aired in 2005 on Showtime.  Having run across them recently on Netflix during the Halloween season, I figured I would give them a crack.

The list of directors reads like a who’s who of horror movie directors.  Joe Dante, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Don Coscarelli… Coscarelli …you know, the Phantasm guy.  Well, everybody can’t be Sam Raimi.

For reasons unbeknownst even to me, I decided to watch the two Dario Argento entries.  I’ve never been a big fan of Italian horror cinema.  To the best of my recollection I have seen exactly two Italian horror films, Lucio Fulci’s The Gates of Hell and Argento’s Suspiria, widely accepted as the bee’s knees of Italian horror.  I was nonplussed by both.  And while some have tried to convince me these are not necessarily the best films in either director’s oeuvre, I have taken a firm “fool me once” stance.  Maybe this is why I chose Argento; a chance at redemption for another whole horror niche.

First up, Jenifer.

The set-up to the film is sketchy at best.  Detective Frank Spivey (Steven Weber) is having lunch with his partner in what appears to be the middle of nowhere when he decides to get out of the car.  There is no reason given for this action.  He spots a man dragging a woman down to a lake, and springs in to action.  The man is wielding a blade, and Spivey commands him to stop.  He simply utters, “Go away, you don’t know what she is,” and proceeds to lower the blade, at which time Spivey shoot him dead.  Spivey approaches the woman only to find she is unable to talk and disfigured beyond belief.

After giving a report to his boss, Spivey discovers the girl, Jenifer (Carrie Fleming), has been taken to an insane asylum.  Feeling sorry for her, he invites her to stay with him and his family until they can find someplace for her to stay.  Believe it or not, Spivey’s wife ain’t having anything of the sort and, with son in tow, leaves him with Jenifer……..after they stumble upon her eviscerating and eating the pet cat.

While they avoid showing Jenifer’s face full-on too much, the make-up is solid, so when she is viewed her disfigurement is uncomfortable.  She has no iris, only giant black pupils.  Her mouth always hangs open, causing a fresh layer of drool constantly dripping from her chin.

If you’re a horror movie fan, Jenifer seems very familiar.  Nobody’s breaking new ground here.  After seeing the opening scene you can probably guess what will occur in the end, but it is comfortably directed and acted, and there are some disturbing scenes, in particular as Jenifer becomes a seductress.  The 60-minute run time feels perfect, any more and you would stretch an already thin plot to transparency.

Secondly, I watched Pelts.

Jake Feldman (Meat Loaf….yes, Meat Loaf) is a fur trader with questionable ethics - of course they are, he’s a fur trader! He frequents a sleazy strip club where he requests lap dances from his favorite adult entertainer, Shanna (Ellen Ewusie).  After unsuccessfully trying to force himself on her, he promises, “One day you’ll give it to me.”  Who can resist that sort of wily charm?!

His plan for wooing her is to create the purrfect….ahem.…perfect fur coat for her.  He receives a call from fur trapper Jeb Jameson (John Saxon) promising the finest raccoon furs money can buy.  Luckily for Feldman, Jameson’s son Larry (Michal Suchánek), takes a baseball bat to his pa’s head, so the relevance of monetary compensation becomes moot.  Why does Larry bash in his dad’s head?  The raccoons told him to do it.  The raccoon furs, that is.

As opposed to Jenifer, where the entire scenario seems overly familiar, the plot here is pretty original.  However, the execution is lacking.  Meat Loaf is either completely miscast, or just a poor actor in general.  They grease back his hair and have him wear cheap suits and a trench coat, but his idea of sleazy is either growling or yelling his lines unconvincingly.  The only other character given legitimate screen time is Shanna, and I believe it is safe to say Ellen Ewusie was cast for reasons other than her acting chops.

I can’t decide if a film based around mystical raccoons dubbed “Pine Lights” for no apparent reason is genius, or comedy gold.  Either way, the script doesn’t deliver.  When the film isn’t being ridiculously gory -- and, if nothing else, it is certainly unnecessarily gory -- it is unbearably boring.

In the end both films have fistfuls of what you would expect in cheesy horror: nudity, gore, and plotlines where characters use no common sense.  I’ve seen these aspects in plenty of films.  What I didn’t get is any real sense of style from Argento.  Both episodes played out exactly like TV episodes.  I dare say I’ve seen more style in episodes of CSI or, perhaps more fittingly, the X-Files.

“Fool me twice…”

Written by Ryan Venson

Trick 'r Treat

Starring: Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker Directed by: Michael Dougherty

I’d like to think that someone pitched the idea for Trick ‘r Treat by saying that if Pulp Fiction and Creepshow had a baby, it would be Trick ‘r Treat.

Halloween and horror movies seem to go hand in hand. Yet, this natural pairing has a weird contradiction in which horror movies about Halloween kind of suck.  I know that you are now trying to think of good Halloween movies in your head, but let me stop you. Halloween is overrated and kind of boring. Pumpkinhead… really? Sleepy Hollow…you know how I feel about Tim Burton. I have to admit that It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is okay, but Trick ‘r Treat stands above them all as an instant Halloween classic.

The film plays out as a series of vignettes, told in a nonlinear fashion, all tied together in some form. Each of these little stories plays on the kinds of stories we’ve all heard for years; always check your candy, children telling ghost stories, a twist on a classic fairy tale, a man who is haunted by his past. The only constant is a freaky little child, sporting a disturbing little scarecrowish mask, who seems to serve as our narrator without ever speaking a word.

On the premise alone, this film could have gone either way. What really set this movie apart from other films were the people attached to the project.  Bryan Singer, director of the first two X-Men films and The Usual Suspects, produced Trick ‘r Treat. X-Men alum Anna Paquin and Brian Cox both star along with Dylan Baker. Now these might not be names that you recognize, but trust me, you know these actors. Each of them brings their own skill set out in full force in the form of Vestal innocence, a tortured curmudgeon, and the sadistically hilarious “everyman.”

Beginning to end I was impressed by this film. It can easily become a movie that you must watch each year, like A Christmas Story for Halloween. At all times it seems to hold true to the playful and devious nature of the holiday. Plus, how many movies have a little kid screaming “Charlie Brown’s an asshole?” That alone is worth the rent.  To me, this is hands down the best movie about Halloween.

Oh wait, I just thought of a movie that is a scarier Halloween movie…Hocus Pocus. Bette Middler doing anything…Sarah Jessica Parker, if you can imagine, looking more horrible than she normally does…oh yeah way scarier. Great, now I am going to have to drink myself to sleep again. Damn you Hocus Pocus!!!

Written by Drew Martin

Feast

Starring: Balthazar Getty, Navi Rawat, Jenny Wade Directed by: John Gulager

Several years ago, I submitted a screenplay in the writing portion of Project Greenlight.  It was not selected.  At the time, I was not surprised.  This was (and still is) the only screenplay I've ever written, and admittedly it probably needs a lot of editing.  Subsequent reads have convinced me I have too many characters.

So when I found out that Feast was the Project Greenlight Season Three winner, I was very curious about the caliber of the script.  My verdict is that I should have included more gore (I only had a shootout in the ending sequence, silly me), more profanity, more boobs, and more horny aliens.  That probably would have given my screenplay as good of a chance as Feast.

The movie was described to me as "similar to Tremors."  I disagree.  I enjoy watching and re-watching Tremors. This movie I would not like to see again. The movie opens with a guy driving up to an out-of-the-way bar. He's introduced as "Bozo" (Balthazar Getty) and given a little description about his character and chances of survival.  As he enters the bar, the viewer is treated to descriptions of about six other characters hanging around the place – one of which is Jason Mewes (better known as Jay from the Jay and Silent Bob duo) as himself.

My first issue with the film was the introduction of so many characters – especially as over half of them were either senior citizens/in a wheelchair/not portrayed as the sharpest tool in the shed.  Why waste time trying to set up a story around people who are presumably going to be monster fodder within the first fifteen minutes?

Well, lesson number one in this film is that what you expect to happen…usually doesn't.  And things you don't expect to see – like Henry Rollins in the role of a motivational speaker named "Coach" with questionable morals wearing a pair of ladies' pink sweatpants – are at the core of this gorefest.

I suppose I should give the movie credit for using the element of surprise well.  Not only do the monsters thin out and/or leave some unexpected characters in the bar, they (or at least the camerawork around them) move so quickly you have no idea what the hell you are looking at.  And when you do get a glimpse of one that was trapped and killed in the bar, the carcass doesn't really give you a good sense of what it really resembles (though I believe one of the characters does compare it to a monkey at some point).

While the humans inside board up the windows and stack tables/chairs/the jukebox/etc against the door per conventional wisdom when under monster or zombie attack, the monsters are outside flexing their awesome biological weapons.  They can procreate very quickly. They can projectile vomit a large quantity of corrosive, maggoty green goo. They can reach in through a knothole through which you are checking for movement and rip out your eyeball. These humans with shotguns barely stand a chance.

And they really shouldn’t stand a chance.  None of the characters are particularly endearing, even though they do try to set up some sympathy for "Heroine" (Navi Rawat) and "Tuffy" (Krista Allen) through their maternal status, it still doesn't make them really likeable.  Bozo really lives up to his name. The waitress Honey Pie (Jenny Wade) doesn't really do anything in the movie at all except attract blood spatter and supply gratuitous T&A.

Fortunately, the movie is just under 90 minutes long so if you don't particularly enjoy it, you won't be in misery for long (I suspect it would have been longer if they had a larger budget for fake blood and other fluids).  Of course if you're hungry for more, they also filmed Feast II: Sloppy Seconds and Feast III: The Happy Finish.

Written by Jennifer Venson

The Orphanage

Starring: Belén Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Príncep Directed by: Juan Antonio Bayona

What scares you? This is the question many filmmakers ask themselves before trying to craft a good horror movie. The problem is what scares you may not scare me. I have never been afraid of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, or Jigsaw. Those are all characters in films I find entertaining, gory and at times comical, but never scary. The Orphanage scares me.

The Orphanage begins with Laura, her husband Carlos, and their son Simón, moving into the dilapidated orphanage where Laura grew up. Laura plans to reopen the orphanage as a facility for disabled children. Shortly after arriving, Simón begins seeing someone named Tomás, a frightening little boy who wears a scarecrow kind of mask.  At a grand opening party, Simón goes missing, thus setting up the beginning of an increasingly more disturbing story starring creepy old ladies, weird little children, a mother desperate to find her son,  and an ending that will stick with you whether you like it or not.

This film is not loud, it is not fast, and it is not in English. While American horror seems to go bigger and bloodier every year, this Spanish film takes it back to the basics. The Orphanage marries the fears we had as children (dark hallways, weird noises in the night, sinister old people), with the things that scare us as adults (children in danger, abandoned playgrounds, sinister old people). It is the way the director, Juan Antonio Bayona, masterfully balances the two styles that set it apart from other horror films.

In the end I have nothing but the highest praise for this film. I know I have suggested it to a number of friends, but the recommendations often fall on reluctant ears. It is hard enough sometimes to get people to watch a serious horror film, but add subtitles to the mix, and it can at times be downright impossible. The shame is this little film makes me do something that few horror films, American or not, can accomplish. When the credits roll I don’t feel comfortable until the lights are back on. And that is some of the highest praise a horror film can achieve.

Written by Drew Martin

Videodrome

Starring: James Woods, Sonja Smits, Deborah Harry Directed by: David Cronenberg

When you sit down in 2010 to watch a movie filmed in 1983, there’s always a chance things won’t pan out well.  Maybe the script has aged poorly, or the acting.  Maybe the special effects are cheese-laden.  Maybe there will be too many references to the time.  So it was with some trepidation I sat down to watch David Cronenberg’s “classic” sci-fi thriller, Videodrome.

Videodrome centers on Max Renn (James Woods), who runs a small cable channel, CIVIC-TV, somewhere in or near Canada.  I’m not sure which, for sure.

Renn is trying desperately to find something sensationalistic to pull viewers away from the major networks.  He goes to visit Harlan (Peter Dvorsky), who operates a pirate satellite dish.  Together he and Renn are trying to find television programming of questionable ethics which to purchase.  Harlan says he has found one such program in Malaysia called Videodrome.  The program seems to be senselessly violent.  A person is brought in to a red room wearing a red robe, and is then simply flogged and beaten for the duration of the show.  Renn wants to see more.

He hunts down Bianca O'Blivion, who runs the Cathode Ray Mission on behalf of her deceased father.  Renn believes she can help locate the show.  Her father was a devout television man.  So much, in fact, he believed the population would someday think the lives of people on TV were more real than an individual’s public life.  Bianca eventually tells Renn that Videodrome is actually infused with subliminal mind control.

The rest of the film follows Renn as he tries to hunt down the show.  His repeated viewings of Videodrome cause him to start hallucinating.  His television tries to bite him.  A VHS tape growls at him.  He wakes up in bed with a corpse, only to find out later there is nothing more there than a pillow.  Despite its 25+ years of age, none of these effects look terribly outdated.  This may be because they are hallucinatory.  Hallucinations don’t necessarily have to look real, do they?  In addition, even though Renn’s hallucinations are integral to the action, the effects don’t have to carry the film.  A superior plot and Wood’s acting bear that particular burden.

The story becomes so involved and twisty it is impossible to try and sort out here without giving away huge chunks of the film. There are bits about TV as mind control as a weapon.  There are human mutations.  Questions are raised about what Renn is and isn’t hallucinating.  There’s plenty of sex and violence on TV and how it reflects in our lives.

This doesn’t necessarily mean there is a heavy subtext about television, in particular, sex and violence in television, and how it alters our view of reality.  There could be, or Cronenberg could be subtly poking fun at people who believe this particular point of view.  Or it could have simply given him a great idea for a great sci-fi/horror film.  It doesn’t really matter, because the movie itself is fact paced and mind-bending enough it doesn’t have to rely on a socio-political subtext to be entertaining.

Before Videodrome I had seen two Cronenberg flicks, History of Violence and Eastern Promises.  Both of which I thought had promise, but were ultimately mediocre do to some weaknesses in plotting and pace.  I almost skipped ever seeing Videodrome because of this, but when I was looking for horror films to review, it popped up as one of the more well received.   I’m not sure how snugly it fits in to the horror genre, but it definitely has an unsettling atmosphere.  Once it really starts rolling, it doesn’t feel dated at all, and that is probably one of the most telling aspects of a great film.

Written by Ryan Venson

Let the Right One In/Catfish

Vampires, fishy documentaries, and a slight disagreement over movies centered around Facebook.

Shaun of the Dead

Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield Directed by: Edgar Wright

Shaun (Simon Pegg) is having a really bad week.  His girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield) dumps him. His stepfather badgers him for forgetting to bring his mum some flowers on mother's day. Everyone is tired of his oafish best friend Ed (Nick Frost) hanging around. When 29-year-old Shaun has to run the electronics store he works at because the manager is ill, he gets no respect from his teenage co-workers.  He's been called a loser that needs to get his life sorted out, and is beginning to believe it.

Plus, there are two zombies in the garden.

Actually, the whole city is overrun with the walking dead.

Armed with a cricket bat and a shovel, Shaun and Ed follow the instruction on the news and take out the backyard zombies.  Then they devise a plan to save Shaun's mum and Liz from the zombies and squire them off to safety until the crisis blows over. Though they do manage to fetch up Shaun's mum, his stepdad, Liz and her two roommates, it's easier said than done to get them to the secure location where Ed knows all the exits and can smoke (i.e. the Winchester Pub, where they all hang out pretty much every night).

Once in the pub, the peace doesn't last long as a mob of zombies have it totally surrounded.  It's Shaun's chance to rise to the challenge and refute the notion that he's merely another slacker.

Despite a very humorous fight scene to the tune of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now," the pub scene does drag a bit.  As the movie cover promises itself "A smash hit romantic comedy. With zombies," there are some perfunctory emotional dialogues with the characters airing the grievances that have been simmering among them for years.  And then all hell breaks loose.

This is definitely a good movie to watch in preparation for the zombie apocalypse, and pretty funny to boot.  Though Shaun of the Dead isn't as directly instructive as Zombieland, it's still pretty clear that you need to know how to do the following before Z-day in case you need to step up and lead:

• Have a plan for who you are going to save, where you can take them to safety, and where a secondary exit is (so if the front door is locked you can still get in without breaking a window).
• Wield a blunt object (bat, golf club, shovel, umbrella, etc) in a way that could deliver enough force to destroy a zombie's head.
• Shoot a gun with good aim in case you have more zombies than bullets.
• Impersonate a zombie in case you need to walk through a crowd of them without drawing attention to the fact that you are still alive.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Starring: Nathan Baesel, Angela Goethals Directed by: Scott Glosserman

There’s a point in every slasher-style horror film where you think to yourself, “This is just a movie.”  Not necessarily because you are scared, but because it is so outlandish.

“Why would he try and run all the way back through the house to the front door instead of just climbing out a window?”

“Don’t go in there…”

“How could he have possibly have just appeared there at the speed she was running?”

“How in the hell would she ever stumble upon all these old news clippings?!”

“He’s obviously not dead yet.”

These are just a few of the thoughts you are likely to have while watching any number of slasher films.   Friday the 13^th, Halloween, Slaughter High, hell, even Child’s Play.

In a lot of slasher films, the antagonist is just a guy.  Granted, usually a guy wronged in some manner; embarrassed or picked on as a youngster, burnt or intentionally crippled for some unbeknownst reason.  Something of the like.  Apparently harboring that sort of mentally debilitating trauma can leave you with some anger issues.  The thing is, as viewers, we are never really given any insights in to these characters.  These individuals, they aren’t real talkers.  Lucky for us, Leslie Vernon is.

Behind the Mask:  The Rise of Leslie Vernon is yet another faux-documentary, but certainly not one where the filmmakers are trying to blur the line between reality and entertainment.  This is obviously fiction, through and through.

A film crew, led by the plucky Taylor Gentry (Angela Goethals), has happened upon the documentary of a lifetime; following around a soon to be notorious serial killer, Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel), while he prepares for his pièce de résistance, the baiting and murder of a group of high school students in an abandoned house.

Leslie shares his ambition to become the next great urban legend with great aplomb.  He’s not grim and dark, however.  He doesn’t meander around with a constant scowl.  No, he’s quite personable.  Likeable, even.  He laughs and jokes.  To him this is nothing more than his calling, the job he was born to carry out.  The more Leslie spills the beans, the more all of those, “Please why would they ever do that” moments become a little more, “Hmm, when you look at it that way….”

Every detail is intricately planned.  He scopes out the house he is leading them to ahead of time.  He explains the importance of the nearby surroundings and the symbolism therein.  He nails windows shut so the most obvious route isn’t always the best route.  He makes up pseudonyms relating to old pieces of town history.  He plants microfiche stories about himself.  He does cardio workouts.  A lot.

Most of the film is carried out in this manner until the climax, when the documentary style gives way to the more commonplace third-person perspective.  This isn’t a case of struggling to figure out how to end the film, it’s the route the film must go in order to follow through to its conclusion.  Although the final act turns in to a paint-by-numbers slasher film, it does so with a sly wink of self-realization, the actualization of what the documentary has set up for the first three-quarters of the film.  You sit in rapt fascination, wondering how closely it will play out to Leslie’s plan.

This movie is more comedy than horror.  A subtle send-up of slasher fare also trying to ingratiate itself to the same audience.  It’s a difficult balancing act, but in the end it is carried out with near perfection.

Written by Ryan Venson

Shadow of the Vampire

Starring: John Malkovich, Willem Dafoe, Eddie Izzard Directed by:E. Elias Merhige

Riddle me this:  how is Shakespeare like Shadow of the Vampire?

If you've read As You Like It for a literature class, the teacher or professor probably discussed how in the bard's era, women did not act.  Female roles were played by boys.  In As You Like It, one of the main characters is Rosalind, who disguises herself as a boy for parts of the play.  So, the irony is that the actor is a boy playing a girl playing a boy. Now hold that thought.

Shadow of the Vampire fictionalizes the making of the movie Nosferatu. (Which I meant to watch, but it is another German Expressionist film.  I'm not sure if I can watch two of those in the span of a month.)

Eccentric director Friedrich Murnau (played convincingly by John Malkovich) has a very focused vision for an adaptation of Dracula. Much to the dismay of his lead actress, Greta Schröder (Catherine McCormack) as well as some crew members, Murnau insists on filming much of the movie on location, particularly a remote castle in Czechoslovakia.

Though some background scenes have been filmed at the studio, one important cast member is missing – the actor playing Count Orlok, the vampire. Gustav (Eddie Izzard) has overheard the elusive Max Schrek is a character actor already on location immersing himself in the role.  No one else has heard of him or knows how Murnau found him.

Once the actors arrive on location, there are precious few extras (just some nervous locals) and one of the cameramen immediately begins to fall ill.  The cast also finally meets Schrek/Orlok (Willem Dafoe)…and are not quite sure what to think of this strange man who is so immersed in his character he appears only in full costume/makeup and prefers to be addressed as Count Orlok rather than Max.

This role further solidifies my opinion that Willem Dafoe is one of the most versatile actors ever.  He's in Platoon.  He's Jesus inThe Last Temptation of Christ.  He's a flamboyant detective in Boondock Saints.  He's Green Goblin in Spider-Man.  He's a goofy German in The Life Aquatic.  I didn't even recognize him as Schrek/Orlok at first, but he plays the role with absolute relish.  He is gleefully cunning, somewhat scary, and slightly humorous in some scenes. It is easy to believe Schrek is completely immersed in his role as Orlok because Dafoe seems to be similarly absorbed by his character.

All of the acting is actually excellent in this star-studded film.  Had I not been trying to watch scary movies for the blog, I would have wanted to see this movie for its fine cast. I believe this is the first time I've seen John Malkovich in a serious role (as opposed to his limited dialogue and character development in Burn After Reading) and was quite impressed.  Cary Elwes was delightful in his brief role as cameraman Fritz Wagner.  Eddie Izzard continues to be highly expressive and wears lipstick better than I do.

Ready for the answer to the riddle?  In Shadow of the Vampire, one of the main characters is a vampire playing a man playing a vampire. And in the movie within a movie, many actors are playing people that are actors playing their characters in a movie. (Confused?  Go have some popcorn).

So how did Murnau convince a vampire to act in his film?  Hopefully this review will make you curious enough to watch this movie and find out. Particularly as some of the best moments in the film are when the vampire threatens meticulous Murnau's grand vision for the film and you discover exactly what he is willing to sacrifice for art.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Aliens

Starring: Bill Paxton, Sigourney Weaver, Lance Henriksen Directed by: James Cameron

Right away I should let you know this is not so much a review as it is a recollection of fear.

For the most part I grew up in a normal house. My parents were not overly strict, but did have rules about us watching “R” rated films. This, as we understood it, was for our own good. The first time I made the effort to see one of these restricted films was when I went to a friend’s house to watch James Cameron’s Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Ironically, my parents broke the rule many years before with James Cameron’s Aliens. I am only just now forgiving them.

In the late 80’s my family took a vacation to Chicago. While we were there, my parents thought it would be fun to go to the Museum of Science and Industry. Hey wouldn’t you know it, they had an exhibit on all the cool special effects from the movie Aliens. My brothers and I certainly thought it was cool to see things like the actual Power Loader they used, and some of the models of the aliens. We loved every minute of the exhibit, but we had no idea what Aliens was about. Always willing to teach us something, my parents decided to show us the film that night.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, Aliens is the sequel to the 1979 film, Alien. In Aliens we find our heroine Ripley, played by Sigourney Weaver, once again facing off against the terrible monsters that had killed her crew once before. While the original Alien film used claustrophobic environments, and a creature you almost never saw (all things that would scare me now), Aliens was a balls to the wall monster movie.  Do you want to see aliens pop out of people’s chest? You got it. Want to see other people ripped apart? We can do that. Does Bill Paxton’s delivery of cheesy one-liners scare you? Me too!

This movie became the standard bearer for all horror to follow. My nightmares for years to come would be aliens crawling through an air duct to get me. Of course as I grew older I learned to appreciate how great this movie was, and how it helped to define what special effects could be. But strangely, at 10 years old, I didn’t really care about the auteur theory of filmmaking.

I don’t want to tell anyone how to raise their kids, but if you find yourself at a crossroads where you have to choose between showing your kids Aliens or not, think long and hard before you make the decision. Remember, you are the one who will have to wash their sheets in the morning. Now if the choice is between Aliens and VeggieTales, well then you let them watch Aliens. Talking cucumbers scare the hell out of me.

Written by Drew Martin

Basket Case

Starring: Kevin Van Hentenryck, Terri Susan Smith Directed by: Frank Henenlotter

Horror, especially 80s horror, is the one genre where kitsch can sometimes replace good filmmaking to deliver an entertaining film. Unfortunately sometimes filmmakers believe they can create a successful franchise with nothing but a kitschy idea.  That’s why you get films about evil leprechauns and killer turkeys.

Figuring out what makes kitschy films great as opposed to unwatchable is hard to put a finger on.  It’s lightning in a bottle.  Cheesy acting can sometimes help, and sometimes hurt.  Same with cheesy effects, cheesy dialogue, cheesy script.  You get the idea.  But guaranteed winning aspect is a scene you will never forget.  Such is the situation with Basket Case.

The plot revolves around Duane Bradley (Kevin Van Hentenryck) a young man born with a conjoined “twin” attached to his side.  The twin, Belial, is nothing more than a lump on his side, an amorphous blob with a face and two tiny hands.  Duane’s dad hires three surgeons to have the twin removed.  The operation is successful, and Belial is disposed of.  In the garbage.

Duane, however, rescues his twin from the rubbish and keeps him in a giant picnic basket.  Eventually the two, who share a telepathic link, decide to seek revenge on the doctors who separated them.

There is a certain charm to this film.  It’s hard to tell whether writer/director Frank Henenlotter meant this to be a straight horror, or a dark comedy.  There are portions you will definitely find humorous, and the laughs could be unintentional, but it doesn’t really matter.  As Duane, Kevin Van Hentenryck is a terrible actor.  Every piece of dialogue out of his mouth sounds slow and stilted.  But it somehow works to reflect a traumatized, sheltered youth.

Although Belial spends a good portion of the film peeking out of the basket, when he is finally revealed he is a glorious combination of puppetry and stop/start animation.  Some might decry this as “cheesy” or “unrealistic.”  I have always thought make-up and puppetry is an art form that lends more tangibility than today’s onslaught of CGI.  How “realistic” does a fleshy blob with fangs really need to be?

Add a splash of gore, the surprise of seeing a pile of skin with razor-sharp teeth attack unsuspecting victims, and an extremely memorable final fifteen minutes of film, and you have a reason to stamp Basket Case as one of the top films in the Cult Classic genre.

Written by Ryan Venson

The Ring

Starring: Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, David Dorfman Directed by: Gore Verbinski

In a lot of bad horror films, what is supposed to make them scary is what you see – blood spatter, carnage, monsters leaping out of the water at predictable junctures to eat unsuspecting victims, masked villains.  What makes The Ring an excellent scary movie is what you don’t see.

Of course the film opens with two teenage girls, one mentioning the latest rumor – there’s a videotape and if you watch it, you’ll get a phone call saying you will die within seven days.  One of the girls says she watched it a week ago with her boyfriend.  Then the phone rings...it’s only her mom checking to see if she’s home.

Throughout the entire opening sequence, you see empty hallways predictably obscured by doors, then revealed to be just that....empty hallways.  You see ominous signs that evil is afoot, but no gory slasher scene.  What you do get is a ton of thrilling tension, which sets the tone for the rest of this movie aptly directed by Gore Verbinski.

The storyline takes a quick detour, introducing the young and über-driven journalist Rachel (Naomi Watts) and her preciously independent young son, Aidan (David Dorfman).   Rachel’s niece is the teenager from the opening sequence, who has passed away in mysterious fashion, and Aidan has been drawing some rather disturbing pictures at school (a girl apparently in a grave).  His teacher is concerned; Rachel dismisses it as his way of dealing with his grief.

At the memorial service, Rachel’s sister asks Rachel to use her investigative skills to find out what happened to make her 16-year-old daughter’s heart suddenly and inexplicably stop.  Rachel reluctantly agrees, starting with approaching her niece’s teenage friends.  She learns of the mysterious tape, and also hears that one of the other kids who watched the tape committed suicide the same night her niece died.

With journalistic instincts on high alert, one of the first things she uncovers is all four teenagers that watched the video died exactly at 10pm – presumably 7 days to the minute after they watched the video.

The search quickly leads her to the tape, which she watches.  Immediately the phone rings.  A young girl’s voice on the other end informs her she has seven days before she dies.

Terrified, Rachel forges ahead on her quest to solve the mystery of this tape from the bizarre visuals in the video, using colleagues, video equipment, and archives at the newspaper for which she works. She shares the burden of the investigation with former lover and video expert Noah (Martin Henderson), who also insists on seeing the video to help determine its genesis

The (literal) deadline for solving this mystery keeps the film on an excellent pace, and the story unravels in unpredictable fashion.  A few events are somewhat expected – such as Aidan accidentally watching a copy of the video that Rachel has left sitting out – but the twists and turns in the film kept me completely engaged until the very last scene. Nothing is what it seems at first glance – there is always a second layer lurking underneath.

Every aspect of the film works to create a mood that is despairing and urgent, but in a very organic way.  It is constantly raining – but the story takes place in Seattle. Aidan draws creepy pictures and says the girl in the video talks to him – but his spooky pictures are in crayon and he has the calm innocence that only young children can really pull off.

The ending also leaves things perfectly poised for a sequel.  Perhaps we will review that one next year – and I just read on www.imdb.com they are releasing a Ring 3 in 2011.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Frozen

Starring: Emma Bell, Shawn Ashmore, Kevin Zegers

Directed by: Adam Green

“Critics have called it JAWS in the snow.”

That was my first impression of Frozen. Well, not my impression so much as the impression I was forced to accept by watching this movie.  I half expected to have to sign a contract stating that were I to ever reference Jaws I would also need to mention how much Frozen resembled the aforementioned Jaws. I don’t sign anything without a lawyer.

Frozen is the story of Parker, Joe and Dan, three friends who decide to go skiing for the weekend. They don’t have enough money to buy their lift tickets, so they bribe the lift operator to let them up instead. This is not an important part of the movie, but necessary if you don’t want your movie to be under an hour long.  After piddling around on the bunny slopes all day, they decide to make a run from the top of the mountain. The lift operator explains that the mountain is about to close for the week, but they just have to get one good run under their belts. Through a series of miscommunications the three are unknowingly left on the ski lift at the top of the mountain. With a snow storm coming in, and the slopes being deserted for the next week, the three must take action if they want to survive.

The movie does start off a bit on the slow side, but once we find our leads trapped, dangling 75’ above the ground, the movie starts to find its rhythm.  The camera stays with our characters, not jumping to scenes of their friends, or to the workers wondering if everyone made it off the mountain. As the realization of what has happened and what will need to happen washes over Parker, Joe and Dan, the tension is quickly dialed up, leading to desperate decisions. This is also where the movie becomes surprisingly gory.

My real problem with this movie is not really with the movie at all. Rather, it has to do with the presumption that this movie should be held in the same regard as Jaws. I looked for the review that likened the film to Spielberg’s nautical nightmare, and I have yet to find it. Fear not, the director and writer, Adam Green, will make sure you know. First, the name of the production company is Bigger Boat Productions. Second, the actors have to deliver some very awkward lines, where when asked what the worst way to die would be, one actor talks about how dying like the actress in Jaws would be the worst. Don’t get me wrong, having to watch the fin come towards you as you brain tries to process what is about to happen to you is one of my worst fears, but I don’t really think it felt natural with the rest of their conversations.

All complaining aside, I really did enjoy this movie. I think simple works very well for the horror thriller genre. Keeping us with the characters at all times turns their fears into our fears.  Maybe that is the only likeness to Jaws I can find. For damned sure this movie didn’t deliver what I was truly hoping for, a shark on a snowboard. Jabber Jaws would have been a good choice.

Written by Drew Martin

Fright Night

Starring: William Ragsdale, Chris Sarandon, Amanda Bearse, Roddy McDowall Directed by: Tom Holland

Some people say certain movies have to be watched when you are young to be truly appreciated. Such as Ferris Bueller's Day Off and the The Breakfast Club. Presumably because they really capture the essence of the coming of age struggles of the time and if you watch them too late in life you just don't 'get it.'  (At least that's what I have been told after revealing that I do not particularly like either of these movies).

Perhaps other movies were best watched as a child of the '80s due to the now-dated special effects and music…or maybe because you were a kid and wouldn't have known good acting from bad.

This seems to be true of the 1985 movie Fright Night. I'm pretty sure at least four people told me how awesome this movie was when they saw it as a kid. As a jaded 31-year-old, I thought the movie was quite silly.  However, I did have fun watching it because many moments in the film lent themselves to MST3k-style commentary.

The movie opens on a clearly second-rate vampire film, which our hero Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale) is watching.  Well, actually he's not watching, he's trying to get to second base with his girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse). However, our easily-distracted hero notices two men carrying a coffin into the house next door, this being apparently more mesmerizing than his girlfriend baring her training bra.  This, of course, causes Amy to storm off in a huff.

(It is around this time in the movie that I realized Amy looked/sounded familiar.  Ryan informed me that she also plays Marcy, the Bundy's next door neighbor, on Married With Children. I knew I recognized the whiny voice…)

As the neighbor is conveniently using the room right across from Charley's for his nocturnal activities (and with the window open no less), our hero hears a female scream one night and witnesses the neighbor extend his fangs and nearly bite the neck of some unsuspecting woman shortly thereafter.  Fortunately the neighbor is just as easily distracted as Charley, and realizes he is being watched just in time to pull the shades.

Charley's suspicion grows, but no one believes him.  Not his mother, not Amy, and certainly not the police.  So Charley has to take matters into his own hands.

Things would be a lot simpler if Charley could just stroll over and kill the alleged vampire (who, by the way, has his own synthesizer-heavy theme song) during the day.  But, the vampire's lackey prevents this plan from working.  And to make matters worse, Charley's mom invites the vampire neighbor over to the house for a drink (a Bloody Mary, of course) – which now means he can come in at any time.

At this point in the movie I realize the neighbor/vampire (Chris Sarandon) has a passing resemblance to the Happy Gilmore character Shooter McGavin.  So for the rest of the film, whenever he was strolling around like the handsome, self-assured devil he was, I felt compelled to yell "Shoota!"

Of course, it's on like Donkey Kong between Charley and the vampire after that.  In desperate need of help, he decides to turn to B-movie star and host of Fright Night (the 'creature feature' show he is constantly watching throughout the movie), Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowell).   Of course he refuses at first, but is persuaded by Charley's friends "Evil" Ed (Stephen Geoffreys) and Amy to at least make a show of going over to the neighbor's house to prove he is not a vampire. However, the actor doesn't quite get the results he expected.  He flees, leaving the kids to fend for themselves.

If you are ever being hunted by a vampire, there are two places it is very unwise to travel.  Down a dark alley is one.  Into a disco is another. Apparently Amy reminds the vampire of former love; he seduces her on the dance floor and kidnaps her. Of course Charley's last hope is persuading Peter Vincent to return, help him save Amy and slay the vampire.  You all know pretty much what happens from here.

I would be remiss if I didn't comment on the glorious makeup and special effects. First, the fangs.  Typically when vampires change, you might expect to see red eyes, longer canine teeth, maybe a slight change in the face (as do the vamps in the Buffyverse).  The Fright Night vampires sport a mouthful of sharp teeth – the angrier and hungrier they get, it seems the more teeth they have.  Very bizarre. At one point I thought I might have accidentally switched over to watching Pirhana. Second, I suspect the effect of flesh supernaturally melting/burning off, leaving a bare skeleton behind, was cutting edge in the mid-80s. (in addition to this movie, I believe it has also been used in Raiders of the Lost Ark and at one of the Gremlins movies).

Oh one last favor.  Please don't burst my bubble by telling me you hated movies like Last Action Hero and the first six Police Academy movies.  When I was a pre-teen, those were comedy gold.  I guess you would have had to see them as a kid to understand.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Piñata: Survival Island

Starring: Nicholas Brendon, Jaime Pressly

Directed: David Hillenbrand, Scott Hillenbrand

There are movies a lot of people don’t like, but they are still willing to acknowledge that the movies are important. Is The Jazz Singer great? No, but I understand it will always be a staple of any film history class. I know plenty of people who hate Citizen Kane, but what it did to redefine the way movies are made cannot be argued. In that vein, I have chosen a movie often called the “Citizen Kane” of killer piñata movies, Piñata: Survival Island.

Piñata is an odd film that has somehow managed to weave its way into the tapestry of my life.  Along with Ryan, this movie represents the most successful “bad horror movie” night we ever had. Most nights it was just 3 or 4 of us in his small apartment, but on Piñata’s night, there were 15-20 people watching an auteur‘s masterpiece.

Years later, Piñata resurfaced when some other friends and I were road tripping. Exhausted and slaphappy, several of us camped out in my buddy’s parent’s living room and let the magic of a killer piñata wash over us. I would eventually mention this film in the toast I gave at my friend’s wedding. I think it was appreciated, like Piñata was there with us in spirit.

Guess I had better try and explain this very complicated film. A gaggle of sorority and fraternity peoples go to a deserted island for a Cinco de Mayo underwear scavenger hunt/drunkfest/heavy petting extravaganza. Someone finds a piñata full of evil, and you can’t just walk past a piñata without cracking it open. Chaos ensues. A young chap has his junk ripped off. The piñata grows more powerful. Some giggly bimbo is killed. The piñata grows more powerful. “We have to make a stand!” How’s it going to end?

At the end of the day, this is an absolutely terrible movie. The acting is just slightly better than soap opera acting. The “special” effects are anything but.  The story may have been written on the back of a napkin as part of losing a bar bet. Still, I cannot imagine not owning this movie and forcing everyone to sit through it.

Here is one last note about Piñata that always makes me laugh. I have sadly, on more than one occasion, watched the “making of” documentary on the dvd of this movie. The FX guys are so proud of the computer generated piñata monster they created.  They even went so far as to say this movie really helped with their next project, Minority Report! I like to think Spielberg was sitting around watching Piñata, and just knew he had to work with these guys. Yeah, that warms my heart.

Written by Drew Martin