Starring: Balthazar Getty, Navi Rawat, Jenny Wade Directed by: John Gulager

Several years ago, I submitted a screenplay in the writing portion of Project Greenlight.  It was not selected.  At the time, I was not surprised.  This was (and still is) the only screenplay I've ever written, and admittedly it probably needs a lot of editing.  Subsequent reads have convinced me I have too many characters.

So when I found out that Feast was the Project Greenlight Season Three winner, I was very curious about the caliber of the script.  My verdict is that I should have included more gore (I only had a shootout in the ending sequence, silly me), more profanity, more boobs, and more horny aliens.  That probably would have given my screenplay as good of a chance as Feast.

The movie was described to me as "similar to Tremors."  I disagree.  I enjoy watching and re-watching Tremors. This movie I would not like to see again. The movie opens with a guy driving up to an out-of-the-way bar. He's introduced as "Bozo" (Balthazar Getty) and given a little description about his character and chances of survival.  As he enters the bar, the viewer is treated to descriptions of about six other characters hanging around the place – one of which is Jason Mewes (better known as Jay from the Jay and Silent Bob duo) as himself.

My first issue with the film was the introduction of so many characters – especially as over half of them were either senior citizens/in a wheelchair/not portrayed as the sharpest tool in the shed.  Why waste time trying to set up a story around people who are presumably going to be monster fodder within the first fifteen minutes?

Well, lesson number one in this film is that what you expect to happen…usually doesn't.  And things you don't expect to see – like Henry Rollins in the role of a motivational speaker named "Coach" with questionable morals wearing a pair of ladies' pink sweatpants – are at the core of this gorefest.

I suppose I should give the movie credit for using the element of surprise well.  Not only do the monsters thin out and/or leave some unexpected characters in the bar, they (or at least the camerawork around them) move so quickly you have no idea what the hell you are looking at.  And when you do get a glimpse of one that was trapped and killed in the bar, the carcass doesn't really give you a good sense of what it really resembles (though I believe one of the characters does compare it to a monkey at some point).

While the humans inside board up the windows and stack tables/chairs/the jukebox/etc against the door per conventional wisdom when under monster or zombie attack, the monsters are outside flexing their awesome biological weapons.  They can procreate very quickly. They can projectile vomit a large quantity of corrosive, maggoty green goo. They can reach in through a knothole through which you are checking for movement and rip out your eyeball. These humans with shotguns barely stand a chance.

And they really shouldn’t stand a chance.  None of the characters are particularly endearing, even though they do try to set up some sympathy for "Heroine" (Navi Rawat) and "Tuffy" (Krista Allen) through their maternal status, it still doesn't make them really likeable.  Bozo really lives up to his name. The waitress Honey Pie (Jenny Wade) doesn't really do anything in the movie at all except attract blood spatter and supply gratuitous T&A.

Fortunately, the movie is just under 90 minutes long so if you don't particularly enjoy it, you won't be in misery for long (I suspect it would have been longer if they had a larger budget for fake blood and other fluids).  Of course if you're hungry for more, they also filmed Feast II: Sloppy Seconds and Feast III: The Happy Finish.

Written by Jennifer Venson