Cronos

Starring: Federico Luppi, Ron Perlman Directed by: Guillermo del Toro

Antiquities, alchemy, immortality.  All are present in Cronos, Written and directed by Guillermo de Toro, the film begins with a brief history of a strange device that looks somewhat like a golden scarab – created by an alchemist and allegedly able to extend the owner's life. After living 300 years, the owner dies in a freak accident and his belongings are auctioned off.

Elderly antique shop owner Jesus Gris (Federico Luppi) and his granddaughter (Tamara Shanath) are minding the store one day when several cucarachas crawl out of a wooden angel statuette.  Prying open the statue, Gris finds a strange golden device.  As he attempts to figure out how it works, the mechanism springs open and pierces his hand with its metal legs.  Startled, he disengages it…but takes it home with him.

Meanwhile, one of the shop's customers that day was looking for the same angel statue.  Irritable Angel de la Guardia (Ron Perlman) thinks he's been on a wild goose chase seeking similar statues for his terminally ill uncle (Claudio Brook).  However, his uncle also has a piece of the alchemist's estate in a detailed journal and is completely certain they have found the right angel.  They are more than displeased to find it empty of the real treasure, but Gris will not give it up – even though the elder de la Guardia suggests there will be trouble if Gris uses it without understanding 'the instructions' on how to use it.

In the meantime, Gris finds himself drawn to the device again, and allows it to clamp onto his hand once more.  In addition to the metal legs clamping to his hand, there is a 'stinger' that also pierces the skin and activates another interesting mechanism inside the machine.  He begins to change as well, feeling and looking younger.  His granddaughter notices the change and mistrusts the device, attempting to hide it from Gris. However, he finds it again and continues to use it.

Things become even stranger on New Year's Eve.  Gris, his wife and granddaughter go to a dance, and he is suddenly struck with a strange craving.  Angel de la Guardia has also tracked Gris down and intends to get revenge for continuing to keep the device from his uncle.  He gets his revenge by pushing Gris' car off a cliff – with Gris in it.  Will that keep him down?  Of course not!  However, immortality does come at a price…

I quite enjoyed this movie – the pacing was excellent, the plot was just weird enough you could suspend your disbelief *just enough*, and the acting was good.  I initially had misgivings about the film because I was worried it would be like Pan's Labyrinth (which I really did not like), but it was completely different. The movie has parts in both Spanish and English, so some reading is required unless you speak both of these languages.

If you:

  • Like a mysterious and somewhat magical tale
  • Like the idea of hidden treasure
  • Believe there's always a trade-off

Put it in the queue!

If you:

  • Don't think you would find an artistically-inclined mortician named Tito amusing
  • Don't like Ron Perlman
  • Have no imagination

Don't put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Last Tango in Paris

Starring:  Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider Directed by: Bernardo Bertolucci

After a month of watching pretty much nothing but horror movies of extremely varied quality, I sought out a foreign/artsy/acclaimed film.  Last Tango in Paris had been languishing in the queue for some time, and it fit that description.  The dialogue is mostly French, with some scenes in English.  Marlon Brando was nominated for an Academy Award for his role in the film.

And yet…I didn't really like it.

The psychology behind the film is interesting – take two complete strangers and have them carry on an anonymous affair for an indeterminate, but presumably short, period of time.  Paul (Brando) and Jeanne (Maria Schneider) happen to arrive within minutes of each other to view an apartment.  Despite Jeanne stopping to look at the apartment on her way to pick up her boyfriend from the train station, she ends up having a quickie with Paul.  He suggests they meet there again.

Jeanne seems to be moderately irritated with her boyfriend, a filmmaker who is making something of a 'day in the life' movie about her.  She seems to feel used by him, especially as her greeting him at the train station is filmed to get spontaneous expressions of emotion as part of the film.  Thus it makes sense why she might be willing to go back to see Paul – who appears to be at least twice her age – again.

Paul has recently been freed from a relationship by his wife committing suicide.  With her mother fussing about and squawking at Paul like a ruffled matron hen, it is easy to see why he longs to escape to encounters without commitments.  When at the apartment, he repeatedly tells Jeanne that he wants to know nothing about her – not her real name, not her age…nothing.

Jeanne meets him at the apartment several more times.  Especially in contrast to Tom – who wants to know every bit of her past through filming and participate in every bit of her future by proposing marriage – the lack of interest in anything but the present via Paul must have been an exciting draw.

However, there are some scenes in which Jeanne seems like just an object, a toy for Paul.  She comes to the apartment as if seeking acknowledgement, lounges around wearing jeans and a scarf (or less), on display for Paul…who uses her and doesn't seem to care.  Until it's time to break off the affair, in which they undergo a dramatic role reversal.

I suppose I am easily scandalized (as apparently were some audiences, as the film has been rated X, R with edits, and currently NC-17).  As mentioned, it's an interesting idea, but the execution is a little uncomfortable to watch.  Especially as Jeanne looks very, very young with a poodle-curly, glam metal-esque hairdo, and Paul looks…just older.  In a pathetic and depressing mid-life crisis way. Which was probably completely intentional.  Perhaps I should have watched On the Waterfront or something to see a better Brando.

If you:

  • Feel a little schizophrenic watching movies that flipflop between multiple languages
  • Are disinterested in movies about May/December relationships
  • Expect the movie to be primarily about tango, or any type of vertical dancing

Don't put it in the queue.

If you:

  • Are a film connoisseur and this in on the must-see list due to Brando, Academy Award nominations, controversial status, etc
  • Find the topic interesting for the sake of human sociology/psychology/sexuality
  • Are not bothered by the idea of sex in very uncomfortable places (and no, Mallrats fans, I do not mean in the backseat of a Volkswagon).

Put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

The Ring Two

Starring: Naomi Watts, David Dorfman Directed by: Hideo Nakata

Last October, surprisingly, the best movie I reviewed was The Ring.  It was great precisely because it was more of a mystery to unravel rather than a 'spooky things jump out at you around every corner' film.

Apparently when The Ring 2 was written, the opposite intent prevailed.  The movie is chock full of Evil Samara (Kelly Stables).  Her video still exists, and she's stalking Aidan (David Dorfman) even though Rachel (Naiomi Woods) has attempted to take them away to the small town of Astoria, Oregon.

Though Rachel finds the tape and stops its circuit among the town's teenagers early on, Samara is still not finished with her and Aidan. Instead of just the well and TV dwelling specter, she is now able to manifest in a public restroom, command a herd of murderous deer, do poltergeist-y things to Rachel's house, kill Aidan's fish, turn a bathroom into a visually impressive illustration of centripetal force and…oh yes, attempt to possess Aidan.

Sure there's still a mystery Rachel has to unravel, but it is somewhat half-ass.  The roughly half hour Rachel potters around trying to figure out more about Samara's history is pretty much the most interesting part of the film.

The rest is just monster around the corner (or monster at the bottom of the well) fare.  What's really creeping me out now is a fly has been buzzing around by my computer the whole time I've been writing this review…perhaps it’s Samara returned from the beyond in insect form…

Also I have no idea how they're going to pull a third film out of this one. Unless it's a prequel, I am thoroughly uninterested.

If you:

  • Can't resist a sequel
  • Like movies where the scary thing is always lurking around

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Prefer the thrill of a creepy mystery rather than a creepy monster
  • Can't suspend your disbelief enough that Samara all of a sudden decides to make the leap from video to stove/lightbulbs/fauna/human
  • Are easily annoyed by Naomi Watts moping around looking all skinny and concerned

Don't put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Paranormal Activitiy 3 & The Human Centipede 2

Paranormal 3
Paranormal 3
Human Centipede 2
Human Centipede 2

Halloween is here again, and that means an episode of horror films. There are some terrifying things in this episode: creepy children, sadistic torture, Ryan sporting a mustache that would make Polanski proud. If you haven't watched any of the previous Paranormal Activity or Human Centipede films, you might not want to listen. We do spoil the plots of all the older films in setting up our conversation for the new installments. Maybe our spoiling the films will prevent you from listening to this episode. If so, I'm sorry. Perhaps in listening to this podcast you choose to avoid certain films. If so, you're welcome.

Don't Look Now

Starring: Julie Christie, Donald Sutherland Directed by: Nicolas Roeg

Venice is a great setting for a thriller.  You never know what's going to pop out of the canals, break free from the gargoyles adorning the architecture, or haunt the churches.

Actually, none of that happens in Don't Look Now, where one of the scariest things about the film was Donald Sutherland's moustache.  However, the film itself was rather good.  Released in 1973, the movie focuses on John Baxter (Sutherland) and his wife Laura (Julie Christie).  In the midst of an afternoon at home – John reviewing photo slides of churches with stained glass windows, Laura inside as well, and their kids playing happily in the yard - tragedy strikes.  Their daughter Christine drowns in the pond on their land.  Soon after the couple travels to Venice, where John is working on a restoration project, to escape the reminders of this misfortune.

Laura is still very depressed but has a strange encounter that significantly lifts her spirits.  While at dinner one night, a psychic (who is blind) tells her she saw Christine's spirit sitting between the Baxters and the girl is happy in the afterlife.  Though cheered, Laura is still very curious and wants a second interview with these women – and more information about Christine if possible.  The more skeptical John is the more they coincidentally run into the psychic and her sister around town.  After Laura meets with them again for a "séance" to contact Christine, she has two messages for John.  First, Christine warns her father he is in great danger and must leave Venice.  Secondly, the psychic believes John also has the second sight.

John shrugs it off until he has an interesting accident during the church restoration project. Then his skepticism and suspicion skyrocket as he believes he sees Laura on a boat with the psychic and her sister in Venice, though she was supposed to be in England visiting their son at boarding school.

Have these two elderly and perhaps mad sisters kidnapped his wife?  Is someone out to get him?  To top it all off, John begins seeing a small figure in a red hooded coat – similar to the red slicker Christine was wearing when she drowned – running in and out of the shadows by the canal.

To find out what John really saw (from this world, the other side, or his imagination), the movie delivers a quasi-predictable – yet still interesting – ending.  For being nearly two hours long and a thriller (which I normally don't like), I really enjoyed Don't Look Now.  Sure, there are some disconcertingly 1970s things about it (i.e. Julie Christie, for the love of all things decent, put on a bra!!!), but it is a very well-made movie.  The direction is excellent, and in several instances little symbolic and artsy touches (like one singular candle going out on a prayer alter) add to the experience. I would advise against watching the original trailer though, it is pretty terrible and very misleading.

If you:

  • Like a nice European backdrop
  • Like little visual foreshadowing hints dropped about like breadcrumbs
  • Don't mind a thriller not really being all that scary

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Are bothered people in 1970s movies incessantly smoking indoors
  • Would like more than 60 seconds of gore in a movie
  • Are not sure you want to sit through a few minutes of Donald Sutherland's bare ass during a somewhat awkward sex scene and then him sitting around the hotel room in the buff thereafter

Don't put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Family and The Washingtonians

Family - Starring: George Wendt, Meredith Monroe, Matt Keeslar

Directed by: John Landis

The Washingtonians -

Starring: Johnathon Schaech, Venus Terzo, Myron Natwick

Directed by: Peter Medak

I am returning to the Masters of Horror series for two more creepy short films.  The first, Family, was directed by John Landis.  George Wendt of Cheers fame is Harold, a man who lives in a nice, quiet neighborhood.  He has a pleasant home in a nice subdivision and blares gospel music while he works in his basement downstairs.  What's in the basement? Oh, a workshop where Harold bathes corpses in acid to melt off the flesh, leaving behind a skeleton.  He then wires together the articulated skeleton, dresses it, and puts it upstairs in his family room.  He goes there in the evenings to relax with his wife (posed reading a tabloid), his daughter, and now grandpa.  He talks to the skeletons, and in his vivid imagination they – as fully-fleshed people – respond.

A new couple, a young doctor David Fuller (Matt Keeslar) and his wife Celia (Meredith Monroe) move into the neighborhood.  After accidentally backing into Harold's mailbox in the wee hours of the morning, they go over to apologize.  They talk of wanting to re-start a family after tragically losing a daughter to cancer.   Becoming friends with Harold, they share dinners and chat often.  Meanwhile, Harold begins to develop a slight obsession with Celia, obviously considering adding her to the family.

This is quite a good tale, full of surprises and with an out-there yet not too ridiculous plot.

If you:

  • Like movies that let you peer into the motivations of a psychopath
  • Have even been suspicious of your neighbors

Put it in the queue!

However, if you can't bear the thought of "Norm!!" being a murderer, don't put it in the queue.

I watched the second movie with my brothers.  Since they are big American History fans, we chose TheWashingtonians.  This tale focuses on a family of three who are in town for a funeral.  Mike (Johnathon Shaech) has inherited his grandparents' house as a result of his grandmother's death, and they are staying there while in town.

Daughter Amy (Julia Tortolano) is terrified of the house.  And even more terrified of the local real estate agent who is waiting for them on the front porch.   Samuel Madison III (Myron Natwick) looks more like Colonel Sanders than a creepy creeper, but his false teeth and saccharine compliments to Amy are a bit disconcerting.

Amy continues to be afraid of everything in the old house, including a giant portrait of George Washington (she mistook it for a person in the cellar).  While her parents are cleaning out the basement, Amy decides to stand up to the image of the Father of our Country and yell that she's not afraid of it.  Which promptly causes the painting to fall over.

Behind a corner of the canvas, Mike finds a small scroll wound around a fork that looks like it was made from a small bone.  The note on the scroll suggests George Washington was a cannibal that ate children.  Strongly disconcerted, Mike immediately begins dithering what to do about it. In the meantime, he cannot help but imagine all the townsfolk as flesh-chomping maniacs; he and Amy are both fairly freaked out about the town and can't wait to get away.

After the funeral, he asks the realtor about the note and fork.  His reaction is also relatively strange, and he both implores Mike to keep it a secret and perhaps sell it to a collector he knows.  While he is making calls, Mike escapes to his grandmother's house.  Later that night, his family receives a visit from a group of people dressed in colonial garb (powdered wigs and all) and gross, bloodstained teeth demanding both the note, and silence about its contents.

Generally I enjoy historical fiction, and mayhaps even believe George Washington and his founding friends could have been involved in some Masonic skullduggery.  But cannibalism? That is a very unappetizing thought.

If you:

  • Like to believe extreme conspiracy theories (for example – George Bush belongs to a reptile alien race)
  • Like unnecessary gore

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Don't believe cannibalism is what the founding fathers meant when they said "the tree of liberty must be watered with blood."
  • Are creeped out by the thought of ghoulish colonial cannibalism re-enactments.  Or even ghoulish colonials wandering about New England.

Don't put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Dead Set

Starring: Jaime Winstone, Riz Ahmed, Andy Nyman Directed by: Yann Demange

“Dead Set” is a British mini-series revolving around the TV show “Big Brother.”  Oh, and zombies.

There is an unexplained outbreak of the walking (in this case running) undead.  It makes its way through a throng of onlookers for the eviction night special of “Big Brother.”  Before you can say “hunger for human flesh,” the zombies have made their way on to the back stages of the production, with mainly only the main set itself not being overrun.

Pretty much the plot, right there.  This is a five episode mini-series, running nearly two and a half hours in length, so there are some subplots, of course.  The producer of the show, Patrick, gets stuck in the green room with one of the cast, Pippa.  Our main heroine is Kelly, a production assistant on the show.  Her boyfriend Riq is stuck at a deserted train station.

So it is simple, as most zombie related films are.  “Dead Set” both excels and fails in this aspect.

The largest problem here is the similarities between “Dead Set” and a number of other zombie films are much too striking.  A group of stereotyped survivors (jock, hottie, jerk, bimbo, nerd, black girl, and plucky, average, everygirl…Kelly, of course) are stuck together to try and overcome awesome odds.

This could be, at least somewhat, considered commentary on just the sort of cast they always assemble for these sorts of reality television productions.  But it doesn’t really feel that way.  Which is something else I found to be a bit disappointing about “Dead Set.”  There doesn’t appear to be any real subtext.  For a zombie series set in one of the most mind-numbingly dull, despicable, and exploitative of all genres, “Dead Set” pretty much plays as a straight zombie flick, in particular almost exactly like the “Dawn of the Dead” remake.  It seems as though they have simply replaced the iconic Romero mall with a television set, and then just followed the fail-safe zombie recipe:  A healthy mix of havoc and a reliance on one’s morbid curiosity as to who will live the longest, and how they will eventually expire.

Not that I always want my zombie films to have undertones.  And, as I said, this is also where “Dead Set” excels.  There is plenty of action, plenty of surprisingly good gore, plenty of gruesome deaths.  While the series probably actually worked better as a mini-series, (when was the last time you wished your zombie film was nearly two and a half hours long?) there aren’t too many lulls.  I sat down and watched all five episodes at once, so obviously my interest was held from episode to episode.

“Dead Set” is recommendable for fans of the genre looking to see some flesh hungry undead and eviscerations, but reinventing the wheel they are certainly not.

Written by Ryan Venson

The Devil's Rejects

Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie Directed by: Rob Zombie

After watching White Zombie, I was curious to see what Rob Zombie's scriptwriting and directing looked like.  I chose to watch The Devil's Rejects – first because I really didn't want to see House of 1000 Corpses, and I also remember Zombie promoting this film during his set at Ozzfest in 2005 (a day I also got the worst sunburn of my life, saw Iron Maiden and did not see Ozzy because he was 'sick.'  But that's a completely different story.)

The Devil's Rejects does have a bit of a plot – the family that murders together in House of 1000 Corpses is now the focus on of a police manhunt after scrapbooks documenting and linking them to over 75 killings are found in their home.  Baby (Sheri Moon Zombie) and Otis (Bill Moseley) escape and call Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig) to tell him to get his biscuits out of Dodge as well.

They all head for the meet-up point while Sheriff Wydell – leader of the manhunt and brother to a victim of the family – becomes increasingly driven by revenge and completely motivated to capture the remaining three.  He is also willing to go outside the lines of the law by hiring two bounty hunters (Danny Trejo and Diamond Dallas Page) to bring back Baby, Otis and the Captain in 'good enough' shape for him to have a few words with them.

Adventures along the way to the showdown with the Sheriff include torture, murder, sexual abuse, taunting, gratuitous T&A, lots of blood, and Otis making a mask out of the face of one of his victims.  All of which I found very difficult to watch.  The two tolerable things in probably 90 minutes of torture and murder by Otis, Spaulding, Baby and Wydell (out of 109 minutes in the film) were the soundtrack (mostly southern rock from the 70s) and Spaulding's brother Charlie (Ken Foree).

The directing itself was also good – Zombie used some nice transitional devices from scene to scene, and the ending sequence was well done. Had the storyline/action in the film been less troubling to watch (at least for me), I would probably recommend it with no reservations.

That being said, if you:

  • Like a movie where half the script consists of the f-bomb.
  • Want to see DDP act like a bloodthirsty madman
  • Like a lot of gore

Put it in the queue.

However if you:

  • Don't like movies with no 'good guys.'
  • Don't like to watch people being psychologically and physically tortured.
  • Are afraid of clowns with bad teeth

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead

Starring: Jake Hoffman, Devon Aoki, John Ventimiglia, Kris Lemche Directed by: Jordan Galland

Alas, poor Yorick…you're not even in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead!  And Hamlet?  Depends on if you're talking about the play or the man.  Both are parts of this film, but this is not your high school literature teacher's Hamlet.

Julian (Jake Hoffman) is on the verge of getting kicked out of his father's house/medical office for being a general slacker who apparently believes his job is bringing home a different girl every night rather than bringing home the bacon.  In his copious free time, he also acts as his gorgeous ex-girlfriend's errand lackey.  Even though she is dating an obnoxious entrepreneur (Ralph Macchio).

Forced to interview for a director's position at a small theater (or else find other living arrangements), Julian finds himself with a new job after a very weird interview with theater owner/actor Theo (John Ventimiglia).  Tasked with finding suitable actors for a vampire-themed adaptation of the classic play, he enlists his best friend Vince (Kris Lemche).  His ex-girlfriend Anna (Devon Aoki) salivates at the idea of playing Ophelia, but Julian is hesitant to involve her with the strange cast of characters.  Including an actor who believes the names of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern should be updated to Rosendude and Guildenbro, or other similar abominations.

Vince suspects something truly is rotten in the state of this theater company when he thinks he sees Theo and two of the other actresses devouring a human outside a club.  He screams for Julian, but by the time Julian appears – there is nothing to be seen.  Vince is also approached by a woman who insists a vampire-themed adaptation of Hamlet is part of an ancient conspiracy, usually ending in the whole cast and audience becoming a vampire buffet on opening night.  Seems crazy, right?  Well, not as crazy as the Monthy Python-esque video explaining the historical track of this conspiracy, or even the ridiculously rambling play itself.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead is one of those films that gives me great hope for my own mediocre scriptwriting.  However, the sheer goofiness of the storyline makes this a very enjoyable movie, if you like that sort of thing.  It definitely does not resemble Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which I once attempted to watch and miserably failed (I don't like absurdist plays/movies/etc.), but it does make a reference to it.  The acting is not all bad, and the brief appearance of Hamlet is hilarious (but not as hilarious as Hamlet thinks it is.  Yeah.  He's that guy).

If you:

  • Like Hamlet, but are not a literary purist about it – after all, it's just words….words…words.  :)
  • Like conspiracy theory
  • Have low expectations for this movie

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Think vampire theatre should be elegant, seductive and beautiful…not peppered with bumbling humans and weighted down by a boring script.
  • Can't stand the idea of Hamlet (the man himself) being kind of a tool who thinks he's a standup comedian.
  • Aren't in the mood for 90 minutes of ridiculousness

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

Black Water

Here’s the main problem with "Black Water. " The DVD art sucks. I’m serious.  This is a movie I must have overlooked a thousand times because of its subpar American marketing.  Not that the original Australian movie poster (http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3093533440/tt0816436) is all that much better but, geez, look at the cover of this bad boy.  It looks cheaper than cheap.  Heck, see that snake creeping up on our heroine?  THAT’S A CROCODILE!  More on par with something you would turn off after ten minutes if you stumbled upon it on the Syfy channel.  Like, say….this maybe? (http://www.allrovi.com/movies/movie/venomous-v257003).

Turns out this film pretty much exceeds every expectation you could possibly have for it based on the images of Hasselhoff being chased by CGI snakes it instantly brings to mind (http://www.dvdactive.com/news/releases/anaconda-3-offspring.html).

The film starts out with our three main characters headed to visit a croc park.  Grace (Diana Glenn) and Adam (Andy Rodoreda) are in a relationship together, and Lee (Maeve Dermody) is tagging along.  The next day the trio decide to take Backwater Barry’s Alternative River Tour.

When they arrive Jim (Ben Oxenbould) takes them out on a fishing expedition in to the river, where their boat is capsized by a giant crocodile.  Grace and Adam swim to a nearby tree and shimmy up, Lee climbs on to the bottom of the capsized boat, and Jim is taken by the conniving reptile.

Films such as this one walk a fine line between suspense and tedium.  There’s a certain surprise when the croc makes his appearance at only 15 minutes in to the film to strand our unwitting participants.  How can this film continue for another hour plus?

In many ways “Black Water” is comparable to “Jaws.”  Not that it’s a classic, per se, but it uses a similar sense of inferred terror and paranoia over blatant CGI.  Oh, and dangerous water-based villains.  After he leaves with Jim’s body, the three friends aren’t even sure the croc is still there.  Why would it just be hanging out?  Shouldn’t it be safe to just go turn the boat over and get out of there?  The croc makes few appearances, but doesn’t look cheesy at all.  I would venture to say they used a lot of shots of real crocodiles in this film.

I checked this movie out after running across it on rottentomatoes.  A movie I thought looked “Ankle Biters” generic (http://www.allrovi.com/movies/movie/ankle-biters-v274918) was sitting at 79%.  My interest was piqued.  And, I have to say, this turned out to be a REALLY good movie.

The sense of dread the three are experiencing is palpable, the director ratchets up the suspense in some creative ways, and the cinematography is beautiful.  There are, of course, some lulls.  You can only do so much with three people stranded in such a small area.  But it’s much better than trying to flesh out the film by having the characters, say, hang out at a bar for 15 minutes, than at a hotel for another 15, maybe an unnecessary and drawn out argument between the boyfriend and girlfriend, etc, etc.  Getting in to the “action” quickly grabs your interest early and the film does a good job of keeping it.

Maybe it’s not Jaws, but for a generation of movie-goers who may not have seen the film, it’s a well-made foray into a genre usually filled with cheap, repetitive tripe.

Written by Ryan Venson

Uncle Sam and Homecoming

Uncle Sam -- Starring: William Smith, David 'Shark' Fralick, Christopher Ogden

Directed by: William Lustig

Homecoming --

Starring: Jon Tenney, Thea Gill

Directed by: Joe Dante

Two zombie films for the price of one in this review, friends.

The first is Uncle Sam.  From the first 10 minutes, it seems like it might be a decent movie.  It starts out a little ominous in the desert of Iraq, deceased soldiers in a helicopter…though one is really not dead, just zombified and making a cheesy joke about friendly fire whilst shooting the investigating officer.

That is pretty much the highlight of the movie.

The rest is a heavy-handed, unfunny march through the soldier's hometown.  His name is Sam, and he left behind a wife who is afraid of him, a sister who is also afraid of him, and a nephew who absolutely idolizes him.

You can see who is going to taste the wrath of zombie Uncle Sam from miles away.  The draft-dodging elementary school teacher.  The IRS-cheating, Gulf War criticizing family friend.  The obnoxious teenagers who burn flags and desecrate the National Anthem.

It takes a really long time to set up the back story and get to the part where Uncle Sam starts doling out ridiculous zombie justice (such as running an unpatriotic offender up a flagpole by his neck and terminating a peeping tom with hedge clippers).  Plus, the adoring nephew's blind adoration and the political overtones are less humorous, more painful to watch.

The only thing that makes this movie somewhat watchable is the bloodbath at the 4th of July town festival and Issac Hayes as the overall hero of the day.

Do yourself a favor and don't put it in the queue.  There are many better options, such as…

Homecoming, a Masters of Horror piece directed by Joe Dante (Gremlins, the 'burbs) is a far superior zombie soldier movie.

David (Jon Tenney) is something of a legend among political speechwriters, working a bit of an uphill spin battle for the upcoming election due to the unpopular war.  On an evening talk show similar to "Larry King Live" and other of that ilk, he has an emotional moment and wishes soldiers killed in action could come back and tell their families how proud they are to have died for their country.

Not only is this quote totally sound-biteable, it attracts the attention of the show's other guest, Jane Cleaver (Thea Gill).  Styled in the political leanings of Ann Coulter, she is a ball-busting conservative aching for power and unafraid to use her confidence and feminine wiles to get to the inner circle of politics.

Elsewhere, strange things begin to happen with remains of American soldiers killed in action returning from war.  Some of them are getting out of their flag-covered caskets and shuffling about as zombies with unfinished business.

Of course, this is a political nightmare.  It also stirs up an old family secret about David's brother, a Vietnam war veteran.

Amid speculation about how undead soldiers could be a tremendous asset to the cause, one finally speaks.  Why are they here?  What do they want?  Really, all they want is to vote in the upcoming election.  Not braaaaaaaaains, not souls, just a vote.  Easy, right?  Come on, it's politics.  What do you think happens?

As an hour-long movie, it is excellently stocked with philosophical points, politics, humor, and a creative premise.  Joe Dante is truly a master of comic horror.

If you:

  • Like zombie movies
  • Like a laugh with your undead
  • Enjoy a thinking person's scary film

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Are very pro-war
  • Are bored silly by political theory
  • Are unable to laugh at the ridiculososity of the political spin machine

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by: Jennifer Venson

Rawhead Rex

Starring: David Dukes, Niall Toibin, Ronan Wilmot Directed by: George Pavlou

“Rawhead Rex” is a demon.  He is born forth out of the ground when a lightning bolt strikes a giant stone phallus jutting out of the Earth for no discernible reason.  I mean, the stone doesn’t appear to be there for a reason, and any explanation as to why Rex appears also has no reason.  I found this to be a reoccurring theme throughout the film.

Upon his birth (or resurrection, I suppose) from the dirt of the earth, a woman at a nearby church is burnt by the altar (the reason?  You guessed it!).  Said church also contains a stained-glass window depicting Rawhead being cast down by a faceless figure.  It’s part of the Old Testament, I think.

We’re introduced in to all the main characters here:  Howard Hallenbeck, our hero, and his family, a wife and two adorable children. Reverend Coot, the obviously doomed reverend of the church.  Declan O’Brien, the soon to be disciple of one Mr. Rex, who acts suspiciously even before he become obsessed with the creature, delivering every line of dialogue with unnecessarily long pauses and the shiftiest of eye movements.

Soon Rex makes his first kill at a nearby cottage.  The budget obviously called for little to no special effects, and to illustrate Rex’s ferocity the director mainly chooses the old “pick him up and shake him around a bit” style of murder.  After which the victim always has a smudge of blood on his face or something.  You know, to show he’s deceased.

During this scene he leaves a female survivor, which seems to indicate he is scared of women, but later he picks one up, tears her clothes asunder, and throws her against a tree.  Pfh, men.

When I was getting ready to write a review for “Rawhead Rex,” I stumbled upon some interesting notes about the film at www.Clivebarker.info.  I think, most of all, I was interested in how Barker had meant this to be an almost entirely phallic tale.  See?  Rawhead?   The monster himself was supposed to be a phallus and, thusly, really was supposed to be afraid of women, using his brute strength to terrorize them as a defense mechanism.

What we got instead was a monster movie with a beast looking somewhat like a cross between Bebop from TMNTand the action figure D. Compose from The Inhumanoids, with a little touch of He-Man thrown in.  Apparently, he hates trailer parks, as nearly every victim comes from one.  In Barker’s mind it was supposed to be more figurative.  More or less Rex really was a giant penis.  Can’t see how that didn’t go over well in the developmental stages with old “Alpine Pictures.”  Here’s the short of it.  The subtext in a Clive Barker novel does not translate well to a feature length film.

The acting in this film is beyond terrible.  Every emotion is expressed by yelling.   Declan O’Brien (Ronan Wilmot) is the worst of all.  He screams and growls throughout the film.  Even when he is laughing he seems to actually be screaming.  I am in disbelief he ever found work again.

The filmmakers of this particular piece have nothing to hang their hats on really.  A poor script with poor editing, direction, and acting.  If you have stomach enough to make it through the first 50ish minutes of the film, you will eventually be rewarded with a climax that is so laden with 80s cheese you almost can’t help but enjoy it a little.  There are unnecessary explosions, completely incoherent editing, characters popping out of nowhere for no good reason and the greatest baptism scene put to film.

Of particular ridiculousness is the final showdown with Rex, which involves what I believe is supposed to be a pregnant female idol, representing both sexuality and fertility, but looks a little more like a fossilized dinosaur turd.  One that shoots blue lasers willy-nilly at unsuspecting demon spawns.  If that doesn’t pique your interest, it’s pretty safe to say you can probably pass on Rawhead Rex.

Written by Ryan Venson

30 Days of Night

Starring: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston Directed by: David Slade

Thanks to Twilight, True Blood, and perhaps even lingering effects of Interview With the Vampire, the pale undead are more sexy than scary, snuggly than snarly.  Able to contain their thirst, sparkle in the daylight, and flash their fangs to charm rather than chew…these vampires are nowhere to be found in 30 Days of Night.

Matching the harsh and wild winter of Barrow, Alaska, the pack of vampires roaming the frozen darkness is more animal than human.  Very few of them speak – mainly their leader Marlow (Danny Huston).  Mostly, they just stalk around with bloodstained chins, scream like tortured bats and attack humans with ravenous abandon.

The premise is simple – in the dead of winter, the sun won't rise in Barrow for a whole month because it is so far up north.  Quite a few people leave town, or at least intend to – including Sheriff Eben Oleson's estranged fire marshall wife Stella (Josh Hartnett and Melissa George, respectively), who has only been in town briefly due to a safety check she had to run in Barrow.

While Eben is out investigating a number of weird occurrences about town – cell phones destroyed, sled dogs murdered en masse, a helicopter vandalized and put out of commission – Stella misses her plane.  Other than a man (Ben Foster) appearing mysteriously in town, acting weird and speaking cryptically of the townsfolk never being able to escape 'them,' no one has a clue what's going on.

Soon enough it becomes clear the remaining citizens of Barrow are meant to be a month-long snack for the group of vampires that has swooped in.  It's never really clear how many vampires there are – perhaps 15-20ish, give or take – but nevertheless too many for the core group of humans to take on.  They have to make several moves throughout the month of darkness to get supplies, switch locations, and basically attempt to keep one step ahead of the vampires.

At nearly two hours, this movie felt like it took 30 days to watch.  Though there are some excellent action scenes – particularly one involving about six ways to kill vampires with a snowplow and ending with an explosion – it is pretty boring.  Visually, dark snowy streets get pretty dull.  Josh Harnett grows gross scraggly facial hair over the course of the movie.  Everyone mostly sits around in their parkas and tries to figure out how to outrun the vampires – not even destroy them, just outrun them to survive until sunrise.

If you:

  • Prefer the unfriendly vampire creature to the romantic ones
  • Like a movie that moves very slowly to highlight the tension of hiding and fear of discovery

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Are used to the human hero surrounded by vampire constantly working on some type of innovative way to slay the enemy (seriously – the odds were much worse in I Am Legend and he was always pottering around gathering samples, running experiments.  Even the kids in Fright Night did a little plotting and just didn't give the heck up.)
  • Like reading, and suspect perusing the original graphic novel might be both more expedient AND more enjoyable

Don't put it in the queue!

Written by Jennifer Venson

Xtro

Starring: Philip Sayer, Simon Nash Directed by: Harry Bromley Davenport

Here’s the tagline for Xtro: “Some extra-terrestrials aren't friendly.”  As this film was released in 1983, less than a year after a certain other extraterrestrial-based film, one starting with an “E” and ending with a “T,” I can only assume this tagline is making reference to its other, slightly more popular, cousin.

Here’s one thing you can be assured of, however, the films bare absolutely no resemblance.

Xtro opens with Sam Phillips (Philip Sayer) and his son Tony (Simon Nash) playing with their dog in the back yard of their vacation cottage on a sunny summer afternoon.  Sam throws a stick up in the air, assumedly so the dog will chase it, although it actually appears as though he is trying to throw it on top of the house.  The stick freezes in mid-air, explodes, the day turns instantly in to night, and Sam is quickly and efficiently abducted by aliens.

As Tony is the only one to witness this affair, it is believed the boy has created a rationalization to deal with his father leaving him and his mother, Rachel (Bernice Stegers).  Everybody is on board with this explanation, from the doctor to the mom to the new boyfriend Joe (Danny Brainin) to the extremely attractive French housekeeper Analise (Maryam D’abo).

However, three years after his disappearance the alien ship reappears, crashing into a forest, and what I can only assume is Tony’s now mutated alien father crawls from the wreckage.  In the brief snippets we get he appears to be a mix between an H.R. Giger painting and Sloth from “The Goonies.”  Except he crab-walks on all fours.

He saunters out to a road, where he is hit by a car.  When the man who hit him gets out to investigate the damage, the alien kills him by licking his eyes.  He then makes his way to the nearest house where he knocks a woman out and impregnates her by placing some sort of tentacled appendage over her mouth.  A few minutes later a fully-grown, completely human Sam Philips crawls out of her womb, bites through his umbilical cord, and goes to steal the dead man’s car.

All of what I have currently explained occurs in the first twenty minutes of the film.

After all those shenanigans occur, there is a marked lull.  This is due to the reintroduction of Sam in to the family, the questions of where he’s been, the obvious unease it causes between Rachel and Joe, and so on and so forth.  I started to become concerned “Xtro” would turn in to a tired mistaken identity film, where everybody believes Sam is Sam, but he’s actually an alien in human’s clothing.  My fears were heightened after Tony catches Sam eating his pet snake’s eggs.

Tony, worried maybe dad is acting a little weird, attempts to run away but Sam catches him in an alley.  He bends down to console his son with a hug, then promptly injects him with alien juice by sucking his shoulder until it becomes a festering pustule of evil.  Later that night, Tony starts to make some of his toys move with his mind.  It appears as though the injected alien juice is displaying itself in young Tony as telekinesis.

And then the film becomes an incomprehensible mess.

Here’s the rundown.  Dad is an alien, the son is a telekinetic who can not only move things with his mind, but can actually turn them to human form, the most prominent of which is a wooden clown that manifests itself in the form of a psychotic midget.  There are plenty of deaths from here on out, some people are simply killed while others are turned in to alien surrogates.

The longer the film runs, the more incoherent it becomes.  The “plot,” such as it is, begins to dissolve into more and more fantastic visuals……it just so happens they are also completely nonsensical. There are just too many ideas, and the paper-thin plot doesn’t even really bother trying to tie them together in any manner.  Yet, for all of its flaws, the direction isn’t bad, the acting is actually pretty good, and the soundtrack is filled with keyboards that sound so 80s you would swear it’s somebody in the year 2011 trying too hard to sound like keyboards from the 80s.

I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, if you are a fan of 80s horror, this is a film YOU HAVE TO SEE.  It makes no difference if it’s incoherent, or low budget, or has some of the absolute worst editing I have ever seen in my entire life.  It simply has to be seen for the pure oddity of it.

Written by Ryan Venson

Frailty

Starring: Bill Paxton, Matt O'Leary, Jeremy Sumpter, Matthew McConaughey Directed by: Bill Paxton

Zombies, vampires, werewolves, cave monsters, demons, ghouls and the like are the typical horror fare.  What's even scarier than that?

Someone with the absolute conviction God speaks to them in a dream and tells them to kill people.  And  even seeks mystically-provided weapons that should be used in carrying out these deeds. Such is the premise of Frailty.

FBI Agent Wesley Doyle (Powers Boothe) receives a visit from a young man (Matthew McConaughey) claiming he has information about the God's Hand Killer (presumably Doyle has been assigned to this serial murderer).  This man, identifying himself as Fenton Meiks, claims his brother Adam is the perpetrator.  He narrates a tale of two young boys in small-town Texas, raised by their widower father (Bill Paxton).  They lived a self-sufficient, quiet life until their father shakes them out of sleep in the middle of the night to announce God has just spoken to him in a dream. This revelation actually includes the whole family – per God, the mission of the three Meiks is to collect three holy weapons to be revealed in the coming days and destroy demons masquerading as humans.

Adam, age 7-ish, embraces the new family enterprise with enthusiasm, while the pre-teen Fenton remains a skeptic.  To his increasing dismay and discomfort, his father soon brings home several items (an axe, gloves and a lead pipe) to carry out the divine mission.  To make matters worse, Fenton's lack of belief in God – much less his father's visions – earns him several punishments the modern perspective might classify as abusive.

Doyle patiently listens to this tale, agreeing to go see the location where Adam's victims are buried.  Fentoncontinues his tale, noting the willingness with which Adam accepts his father's increasingly bizarre revelations – including a list of names of seven demons the Meiks family must destroy.  When their father purchases a utility van and starts bringing home the terrified 'demons,' Fenton cannot hide his revulsion.  Torn between the family he cherishes and his growing horror at their wholehearted belief in this divine mission, Fenton must choose to participate or figure out a way to escape.

Most of the film is spent in the past, centered on the three Meiks and particularly Fenton's dilemma.  I had serious misgivings about this movie before I saw it, but was surprised how much I enjoyed it.  It's not always an easy movie to watch, but definitely rewarding if you like a good thriller.  And the thrills are constantly buried, like mounds of earth covering a grave dug for the Meiks' victims.  You never quite know what demons are on the other side.

If you:

  • Have ever wondered if what some dismiss as insanity was actually truth.
  • Like a movie where the horror comes more from the psychological aspect than visual gore.
  • Like characters with ulterior motives.

Put it in the queue!

If you:

  • Are expecting to spend a lot of time ogling Matthew McConaughey
  • Believe religion alone is an excuse to terrorize people.
  • Don't like movies based on narrated flashbacks.

Don't put it in the queue.

Written by Jennifer Venson

I Sell the Dead

Starring: Dominic Monaghan, Larry Fessenden Directed by: Glenn McQuaid

On the surface, “I Sell the Dead” seems like a can’t miss vehicle.  It’s about two grave robbers, Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan) and Willie Grimes (Larry Fessenden).  The two have been “framed” for murder, and after Willie’s execution, Arthur is stuck in his cell with Father Francis Duffy (Ron Perlman), spilling his guts about his wacky grave-robbing high jinks.  Apparently, in Ireland in the mid-1800s, stealing some dead bodies could lead to some loot.

While stealing, and selling, dead bodies, the boys are also occasionally called upon by Dr. Vernon Quint (Angus Scrimm) who, as my understanding goes, blackmails the fellas in to giving him bodies for free lest he go to the local constable and rat them out. My first problem with the film lies here.  Why would anybody ever pay for a dead body if you could just say, “Uh, no, you can give it to me for free, or else I will alert the police.”

Maybe I missed some detailed minutiae explaining that one away.  It’s hard to say since I was in a state of tedium-induced coma throughout most of the film.

Eventually Arthur and Willie dig up a corpse with a stake sticking out of it.  They pull the stake out, only to discover the corpse to be undead, as it limps up and stretches out.  In which case I’m not sure it should be referred to as a corpse.  But you probably get the point.

The duo soon find there is even more money to be made selling the UNdead.  And so it is they fall in to their new line of work as zombie sellers.  Where the term zombie is used loosely to incorporate all undead beings.

This movie has a lot going for it.  A great cast, including Monaghan, horror cult icon Scrimm and even Ron Perlman!  It has a great concept and is currently sitting at 75% on rottentomatoes.com.

The problem with this movie is that it sucks in almost every way conceivable.  When I think of “horror-comedy” I automatically think of “Evil Dead 2” and “Shaun of the Dead,” two of my favorite films.  And they are damn near gut-busters, with a little fright and terror thrown in, and a healthy dose of directorial ingenuity to boot.

Most of “I Sell the Dead” is dialogue leading up to a scene.  Arthur will tell Father Francis in painful detail everything they did leading up to stealing a dead body, which mostly included sitting at the pub and talking about stealing bodies.  Then they go to steal bodies.  Then they steal them.  Nothing funny ever happens, nothing scary ever happens, it really feels as if nothing ever happens.

Take the scene where they find the first undead woman.  They pull at the stake, they get scared and run around a bit, they put the stake back in her and she dies again.  And scene.

It feels like there is a great idea here, they just didn’t know what to do with it.  Most of the scenes really just involve mind-numblingly dull patter between Arthur and Willie.  I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but I don’t know who would find it as such.  It’s simply dialogue.  Mostly talking about drinking or stealing bodies….you know, every day talk between companions.

There’s really nothing here to recommend.  There’s no so-excessive-it’s-silly-gore, there’s no scares, there’s no jokes, there’s very little humor, visual or otherwise.  If you’re looking for a new horror-comedy to see this Halloween, you’d probably be better off watching some unintentionally funny SyFy original.  Like “Hammerhead Shark Frenzy”  or “Pterodactyl.”

Written by Ryan Venson

Attack the Block & Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

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We don't want you to think that we have sold out, only doing big budget, wildly popular films, like Tree of Life. To help out our indie cred, we watched Attack the Block, a British alien invasion movie, and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, not British, no aliens, but rather hillbillies and a twist on the horror genre. You may have to work a little harder to if you want to watch these movies, but sometimes movies are worth a little extra effort. Don't worry though, we do spend a few minutes talking about Over the Top for those people who like their movies packed with arm wrestling and Kenny Loggins music.

White Zombie

Starring: Bela Lugosi, Madge Bellamy Directed by: Victor Halperin

Zombies.  Often associated with the zombie apocalypse, the result of some horrific virus, or Night of the Living Dead.  Few connect them to Voudou, or to the casual scholar, voodoo. Probably even fewer have seen White Zombie, the 1932 film starring Béla Lugosi (aka Dracula) and some fake facial hair as the evil Murder Legendre, zombie master.

White Zombie, wasn't that a metal band?  Yep.  Lead singer Rob Zombie, who now makes horror films himself, names his band after this movie.  Now on to the plot.

Nearly-weds Neil (John Harron) and Madeline (Madge Bellamy) are to be married in Haiti.  The sound quality of the movie was pretty terrible, so I'm not entirely sure why they were there or why Madge and Charles Beaumont (Robert Frazer) travelled on the same boat and met.  The short version is that Chalres has fallen in love with Madeline, and is willing to take some drastic measures to take her away from Neil.

Even though the local Hatians are terrified of Legendre and his legion of shuffling, unblinking zombies, Charles approaches him and asks for a solution to his romantic dilemma.  Legendre gives him a potion – probably the same stuff Friar Laurence gave to Juliet in ye olde Verona – and tells him to give a few granules to Madeline either in a flower so she will inhale it, or in a cup of wine she will drink.

Madeline gets a whiff of the potion, then goes to tell her new hubby's future in a cup of wine later that evening.  At which point she's confronted with the creepy eyes of Legendre.  Staring at her in a cup of red wine.  Which really isn't a bad special effect for 1932.

This “living dead girl” is buried (without even getting for formally consummate her marriage, poor thing), though spirited away by Legendre and Charles shortly thereafter.  Is Charles happy now?  Um, no.  Though she still can wander about Legendre's castle (conveniently located on a cliff high above some point rocks and rough water) with a vapid stare and play "Libestraum" on the piano for everyone's enjoyment, Charles is not satisfied.

While Charles whines, Neil and the local minister (Joseph Cawthorne) hatch a plot to go rescue Madeline (given she is squirreled away in Legendre's castle).   When they get there, many shenanigans ensue.

Is the movie kind of goofy?  Of course.  Does it seem like the only requirement for playing Madeline is to have huge eyes?  Sure.  Does is appear that Mr. Lugosi has furry caterpillars masquerading as his eyebrows and a very strange beard?  You bet your bottom dollar.  Is this a decent way to spend an hour?  Oh yeah.

If you:

  • Like film history
  • Need something to discuss with Rob Zombie, should you even meet him
  • Are a little bit obsessed with zombies/necromancy

Put it in the queue!

However, if you:

  • Think zombies need to be half rotted and hungry for brains to be entertaining

You may be right.  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't put it White Zombie in the queue anyway.  It's only an hour long!!

Written by Jennifer Venson

A Tale of Two Sisters

Starring: Kap-su Kim, Jung-ah Yum, Su-jeong Lim, Geun-Young Moon Directed by: Jee-woon Kim

A Tale of Two Sisters is about, well, two sisters.  They travel to their home after what seems like some time away in a hospital to live there with their father and stepmother.  Or maybe it’s just his lover.  I’m not sure it’s ever expressly spelled out.  While there, some weird shit happens.

*sigh*

Look, I know, at this point, how a movie review is supposed to go.  I’m supposed to give a succinct synopsis about the film’s plot to whet your appetite, so you know whether or not you are interested in viewing it based on your taste in film.  After said synopsis, I am to give you my opinion on the film, ranging from entertainment value, plot, script, dialogue, and technical aspects, including, but not limited to, direction, cinematography, and special effects.

Here’s the thing about A Tale of Two Sisters, which illustrates a reoccurring problem in horror/thrillers.  After sitting through the film, I felt as though I had seen it before. In order to try and give a plot synopsis I would probably need to trot out the rote “it’s hard to give you a summary without ruining the twists in the film” cliché.

The film shares so many aspects with films like The Ring or The Grudge or The Sixth Sense or The Others or Identity or a number of other films I won’t name here because it is too much like them and would give away the plot of the entire film, that I don’t know how, if you watched it today, you could help but come away feeling as though you’ve already seen it.  You know, the old, “things are not as they seem” angle.

And while I understand this film came out either before many of those films or around the same time as many of those films, it doesn’t change the fact I didn’t see it until after I had seen ALL of those films, as well as many others similar ones, and if you are reading this review looking for guidance as to what to watch this Halloween season, you have probably seen a great many of them as well.

It isn’t to say the film is poorly made.  It’s well acted and directed, if a bit overlong, but, again, I had already guessed both of the twists well before they happened based on some clues I may not have picked up had I not seen films so similar.  This may allow me to give the plotters and scriptwriters pats on the backs for being properly subtle without repeat viewings, but to already know what’s coming in a film built around the emotional resonance you are to feel when the surprises in plot are revealed leaves the rest of the film feeling a bit flat.

It’s a recommendable film if you are a horror/thriller fan, with the caveat being you are a horror/thriller fan who hasn’t seen most of the best horror/thrillers filmed in the past decade plus.

Written by Ryan Venson