We really do our best to live up to our name today. This show is all over the map. We do talk about Harry Potter, with the help of our guest, Tony Adkins. We also talk about Unstoppable, with the help of some Miller High Life. There are quite a few tangents in this one, and some stuff that had to be cut to make it appropriate for the kiddies. Maybe one day they will be on "Coming Off the Reels: After Dark".
Halloween Grab Bag: Evil Aliens, Dead and Breakfast, Saw 3-D
A Halloween tradition dies this year as Saw releases its "final" installment. I think we will all be ....relieved?...to see it go. Also this episode, Drew says he prefers turkeys over aliens, and Ryan prefers aliens over turkeys. One thing we would probably agree on is turkeys VERSUS aliens. Maybe in Thankskilling 3........
Evil Aliens
Starring: Emily Booth, Jamie Honeybourne, Jodie Shaw Directed by: Jake West
What are the first things that come to mind when you think of the typical alien sighting? Maybe UFOs, gray skin, bug eyes, big head, abductions, anal probes? Then you will certainly enjoy Evil Aliens.
In fact, the movie pretty much opens with an alien abduction. (Technically it opens with a shot of a naked ass and copulation in the middle of some standing stones. But the two are soon taken into the spaceship, where the male gets – you guessed it – a gory anal probe).
The female, Cat (Jennifer Evans) gets an alien impregnation and contacts the Weird World show (sort of a tabloid show investigating/fabricating alien sightings and such) to tell her story. Show host Foxy (Michelle Booth) has to have some content to accompany her boobs on air during the news show, so she, her crew, three actors for the alien abduction re-enactment and geeky alien expert Gavin (Jamie Honeybourne) travel to a remote Welsh town accessible only by a narrow road that is underwater when the tide is in.
Sounds like an excellent idea, right?
As the crew rolls in grousing about the lack of pubs in the rural town, they do not get a warm welcome. In fact, they immediately encounter angry farmers who speak nothing but Welsh, one of them wearing a glass eye and a crazed expression. But these are only Cat's brothers.
Foxy and her crew are determined to take the whole story with a grain of salt – evidenced by the re-enactment, which features a flamboyant actor dramatizing the abducting aliens by prancing through the standing stones in a skintight silver suit and mask.
Of course, the aliens show up again to prove them completely wrong.
Once the humans vs. spacemen fight is on, the level of gore is out of this world. The aliens really like to rip off limbs and toss them asunder. The humans do their best with chainsaws, crossbows and farm implements. When the alien reserves from the mothership are sent in to help subdue these meddling humans, a score of them are literally mowed down in a wheat field. (Less crop circle, more crop splatter). Re-enactress Candy Vixen (Jodie Shaw), sports a Rambo-esque over the shoulder ammo belt and wields a mean shotgun while the men cower.
Evil Aliens actually has a couple moments of excellent foreshadowing – particularly in terms of random acts, interesting discoveries or found items that end up being super useful alien fighting tools. Also, the alien birth scene is not what I expected. Not at all.
I would recommend this movie – it's British, bloody, and a nice mix of horror film predictability with a few exciting surprises. However, it also has its share of B-movie weird, including a scene where a female alien deflowers Gavin in a manner beyond his wildest dreams and the steering mechanism of the alien pod looking like a giant brain (which you have to gently massage to drive).
Written by Jennifer Venson
Ghostbusters
Starring: Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis Directed by: Ivan Reitman
Most women my age (31) watched and rewatched movies like Dirty Dancing, Heathers, maybe Grease or Labyrinth or Goonies when they were young.
At the Volz household, we watched Ghostbusters. My younger brothers were totally obsessed with the movie, and I – actually having seen it at the movies when I was a pup myself – willingly joined in the almost daily viewing.
The movie begins with a library ghost. (Par for the course - Evansville has its own Grey Lady at Willard Library). The self-styled Casanova parapsychologist Peter Venkman (Bill Murray) and easily excitable Dr. Ray Stanz (Dan Aykroyd) join scholarly Dr. Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) at the New York Library to scope things out and collect some ectoplasm ("Somebody blows their nose and you want to keep it?"). What seems like a harmless – though transparent - female book browser becomes a scary spectre that causes our heroes to flee the library like schoolgirls.
After their research grant is revoked, the three are forced to figure out a way to capitalize on their parapsychological knowledge – starting their own 'paranormal investigation and elimination' service. With the new headquarters a dilapidated firehouse (which Ray loves for the firepole) and their official vehicle, a Cadillac ambulance conversion that needs a lot of work (also purchased by Ray).
What makes this movie sheer genius is the casting and humor work perfectly well to make you completely bought in to the idea that three out of work parapsychologists could create ways to stun and harness ghosts with an 'unlicensed nuclear accelerator' (aka proton pack), trap them, and get paid for it. The three initial Ghostbusters are a motley trio of:
- a hardcore scientist who believes 'print is dead' and collects 'spores, molds and fungus.'
- a scientist with a bipolar balance of serious studious knowledge and innocent kid-in-a-candy store glee at things like 'actual physical contact!' with a ghost
- a pseudoscientist more interested in getting the ladies than…well, anything else
And then when business is booming, they add Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson), who proves to be a rational foil to the original three.
The ghost effects are also quite good and dial up the scare or humor as necessary. Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver), opens her refrigerator to find a vision of a demonic dog saying "Zuul." Creepy! Later the same type of creature breaks free from its seemingly stone form on the outer architecture of the building and later emerges in the apartment of Louis Tully (Rick Moranis) only to suffer the injustice of having a party guest's coat tossed on its head (probably why it was so pissed off when it finally bursts through the door, ready to attack).
Probably the most famous manifestion in the movie and beyond is the voracious 'Slimer,' First emerging in the Sedgewick Hotel snarfing up somebody's room service meal, famous for 'sliming' Venkman and becoming their first actual captured ghost, this apparition is more funny than scary. (Which the franchise totally capitalizes on in toy sales and later inclusion of Slimer in the Saturday morning Ghostbusters cartoon).
The whole movie is littered with witty dialogue and dryly delivered one liners, and is highly quotable from beginning to end (just check the 'quotes' page onwww.imbd.com if you don't believe me). Pretty much any time I have to climb several flights of stairs, I break out the line from the stairs-only ascent to Dana's apartment where the Ghostbusters must face Gozer: 'Tell me when we get to 20…I'm gonna throw up.' One day I'm going to try and get my co-workers to participate in the celebratory exchange: 'We got the tools, we got the talent!' (Zeddemore). 'It's Miller Time.' (Venkman).
Plus, the soundtrack is quite good. Who ya gonna call for the title song? Not Kenny Loggins, but Ray Parker Jr.
Realistically, all those hours watching and memorizing Ghostbusters probably could have been spent better by learning another language, playing outside, memorizing poetry, playing the piano, or doing pretty much anything more productive. However, I do feel that I am prepared should the world need some wit and sarcasm in the midst of a massive supernatural event. And I have learned that if anyone asks you if you are a god, you say YES!
Written by Jennifer Venson
Se7en
Starring: Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow Directed by: David Fincher
Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part.
I debated back and forth about whether to consider Se7en a horror film or not. It is a film that certainly shares many of the most common traits that define the horror genre: dark locations, a certain amount of gore, a serial killer. However, there was always something about Se7en that made it seem like something…more. In the end I decided that if the Saw films could be considered horror, than so could this.
Se7en follows two detectives, the young and idealistic David Mills (Brad Pitt) and the old and cynical William Somerset (Morgan Freeman), as they try and track down a killer who is using the seven deadly sins as the inspiration and method for his killings. As the two detectives uncover each murder, they become increasingly more desperate to stop the killer before he completes his plan. That really is about the lamest synopsis to film I have ever written, but the movie is so much more than you can describe with plot points.
If you turned the sound off on your television and just watched Se7en, you would still have witnessed a very impressive film. Every frame seems to reflect the mood of the story at all times. Everything is falling apart. All the lights appear to be stained with many decades worth of cigarette smoke. The paint on the walls is faded and peeling. It is always raining. You can almost smell the decay in the air. No shot seems accidental.
When you watch the films as a whole (turn the volume back up), what you get is an intense horror/mystery that is masterfully crafted and wholly disturbing. Each victim’s gruesome demise will find a way to stick with you; the gluttonous man who is forced to eat himself to death; the greedy man who must cut a pound of flesh from his own body. I hadn’t watched this movie in many years, and I could still recreate the most unsettling scenes in my head.
Yet, in the midst of all the darkness, there are a number of moments that keeps us grounded, and invested in our main characters. The scene where William, David, and David’s wife Tracy (Gwyneth Paltrow) all joke around the dinner table. There’s the breakfast where Tracy asks for advice from William about her pregnancy. There is one of my favorite scenes in any movie, where William goes to an old library after hours and wonders through the stacks researching Dante, Chaucer, and religion while Bach’s Air -Suite No. 3 in D Major plays in the background. Each scene adds much needed humanity to the film and ultimately magnifies the films ending.
The real horror of Se7en comes when we finally meet our killer, John Doe. What scares me about John Doe is his rationality. Never does he come across as a man who has lost his mind, but rather a man who sees what the rest of us cannot. Of course we are mortified by his actions, but somewhere in the recesses of our mind we understand why he does what he does. I can dismiss “crazy”, it is cold logic that gives me the willies.
I don’t know if it was tougher for me to watch this movie the first time, or each of the many subsequent viewings. As the movie speeds towards its memorable conclusion, I often wish that this time it would play out differently. This time, the sun never comes out. This time we never have to answer the question, “What’s in the box!?”
Written by Drew Martin
Lake Mungo
Starring: Rosie Traynor, David Pledger, Martin Sharpe, Talia Zucker Directed by: Joel Anderson
I hate to beat a dead horse, as The Blair Witch Project and The Last Broadcast have both already been reviewed by yours truly, but with the stunning success of Paranormal Activity and the recent release of Paranormal Activity 2, I shall throw caution to the wind and review another faux-documentary right here in these very pages.
Set up documentary style, Lake Mungo begins with the Palmer family recounting the disappearance of their daughter Alice (Talia Zucker) while picnicking near the aforementioned lake in Australia. The family alerts the authorities, and after a day’s worth of searching, Alice’s body is discovered at the bottom of the lake.
The Palmers try to carry on their life in as normal manner as can be expected after such a travesty. But strange happenings start to occur. Weird noises are heard throughout the house. Their son, Mathew (Martin Sharpe), suddenly has a rash of bruises appear all over his body. A spectral figure resembling Alice shows up in a picture taken by Mathew, an aspiring photographer.
Based on the apparition, the family decides to put video cameras around the house in hope of catching an ethereal Alice in the hallways. Upon watching the videos, Alice is visible in much of the footage, sometimes stalking the hallways, sometimes as a reflection in a mirror or vase, and almost always effectively creepy. As the eerie events start to culminate, The Palmers seek the help of parapsychologist Ray Kemeny (Steve Jodrell) to discover why Alice might be haunting their home.
Lake Mungo is presented as a completed documentary as opposed to “raw footage.” After the plot of the film is presented to us, it is then seemingly resolved in most unexpected fashion half way through the movie. This sort of red herring is commonplace in horror films, but Lake Mungo seems to have some trouble finding its footing after it self-destructs its entire storyline. It introduces more questions and more possibilities, but they all seem a little half-baked.
However, the acting and direction in the film are well above average. Underlying the overarching plot is a subtle undercurrent, and watching as they discuss their loss with the film crew and later with Ray adds a weight throughout the film absent from other films in this genre. Some may complain about the pacing of the film. While it does drag in spots, I never felt bored.
When it comes time to wrap up the film there are some plotlines seemingly forgotten and some questions unanswered, both purposely and otherwise, but the ending narrative is flawless, leaving me not only touched, but also running a chill up my spine. Lake Mungo may make some provisions to try and keep the average film viewer interested, but if you overlook some of its flaws you will find a pitch perfect ghost story.
Written by Ryan Venson
Cemetery Man
Starring: Rupert Everett, François Hadji-Lazaro, Anna Falchi Directed by: Michele Soavi
Nine times out of ten when I'm watching some type of video-based media and exclaim, "What the hell? That didn't make any sense," I'm watching a commercial. The tenth time out of ten I'm usually watching a movie Ryan suggested.
Cemetery Man is one of those movies. It starts out somewhat like an episode of Angel with the handsomely brooding and philosophizing cemetery watchman Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) roaming the night, assessing his fate. However it also seems there will be a twinge of humor woven within as our hero nonchalantly shoots a zombie 'returner' (who has politely knocked on his door rather than just barging in as some of the mindless undead do) while carrying on a phone conversation.
It is unclear when our hero sleeps, as both he and his mentally challenged assistant Gnaghi (François Hadji-Lazaro) are out shoveling graves and disposing of zombies in the middle of the night, and greeting cemetery visitors in the day. One such day he is strolling by a funeral in progress and instantly falls in love with one of the female mourners (Anna Falchi). He muses on her, rhetorically wondering if he will ever see her again.
Of course she – the youthful widow of an elderly man – returns regularly to replace the flowers on her husband's grave, and Dellamorte makes a few attempts at awkward conversation before her can really capture her attention. He seduces her with a tour of the cemetery's ossuary -- which seems very bizarre until you realize she must have a thing for old bones given she was married to a geezer and goes on about what a great lover he was. This leads to an even more bizarre sex scene on her deceased (but not totally departed) husband's grave that ends with her being bitten by a zombie.
And this is one of the most logical parts of the film from this point onward.
The disappearance of the woman (who is never named and credited only as 'She') brings a visit from the town detective – one of several characters seemingly meant as an allegorical criticism of bureaucracy. The disorganized clerk at Town Hall with piles of papers, forms, and general chaos is another such poke, as is the self-absorbed, election-obsessed mayor.
However, once you get into the mindset that the movie may have a deeper meaning and really get settled into the idea you might have to deconstruct this movie after watching it, things take a turn for the silly. It involves Gnaghi falling in love with the mayor's teenage daughter, a group of youth hooligans on motorcycles and a bus full of Boy Scouts. Then from silly to quasi-philosophical or straight up hallucinatory, Dellamorte begins having conversations with Death, who tells him to stop killing the zombies, but to instead save the trouble and kill the living.
I would liken watching Cemetery Man to the time I got somewhat lost in Rome. I left the hotel with another person from the tour group, expecting it would be relatively simple to walk down a few streets, window shop a bit, and to enjoy the sun after being cooped up in a plane for half a day. Instead, the streets meander around and aren't necessarily an ordered grid easy to navigate. In fact, there does not seem to be much rhyme or reason to them. Eventually we got back to the hotel, but it was kind of the complete opposite direction expected.
If you do choose to watch Cemetery Man, I recommend you prepare first by watching something else that doesn't make sense (like Lost Highway or Triangle) just to get you in the proper mindset.
Written by Jennifer Venson
The Descent
Starring: Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza Directed by: Neil Marshall
I don’t like caves. They are rough and craggily. If you were climbing and you were to fall, you could easily break a bone or a head. They are dark and cold. Often times they have an unpleasant aroma. When I was young I played “Spelunker” on Nintendo. It was one of the worst games I have ever played. I think this contributed to my unsubstantiated fear in caves.
I can’t imagine enjoying caving as a pastime. Apparently it happens though. And this is the backdrop for the film The Descent.
Six female friends decide to take a caving trip in the Appalachians. There is some superficial background exposition about helping Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) get over the loss of her husband, who died the year before in a violent car wreck. This is a plot point that resurfaces from time to time in the film, but isn’t really the meat and potatoes.
The girls descend in to the depths. As they navigate a particularly dark, tight tunnel, it collapses behind them, effectively sealing off the entrance. This doesn’t seem like a problem as there are other exits in this particular cave system. That is, until headstrong Juno (Natalie Mendoza) admits she has taken them in to an unmapped system…you know, for the sake of discovery!
As the six friends trudge aimlessly around the cave hoping to discover an exit, the film becomes more and more claustrophobic. There is a real feeling of despair. Nobody on the outside who might notice their disappearance knows which cave system they are in. It’s cold. One of the girls falls and breaks a leg. Add a bevy of half-humanoid cave-evolved mutants to the mix, and despair turns in to outright hysteria.
The Descent is somewhat indebted to films like Aliens and Pitch Black, borrowing the standard formula of picking off unwitting innocents by an unknown malevolent race. But making small adjustments on an old recipe keeps it fresh. Instead of aliens, differentially evolved humanoids; instead of an unknown planet, a cave setting; instead of a diversely gendered group of actors, an all female cast. These tweaks make all the difference.
In addition to those changes in the formula, the film crew itself is flawless in execution. The make-up/special effects group create a completely realistic creature, there is no reliance on CGI. In particular, cinematographer Sam McCurdy and Neil Marshall do a masterful job in direction. The caves themselves become characters; sometimes wide open inviting creature attacks, sometimes closing in on the heroes and, above all, always foreboding and dark but never murky.
Films like The Cave or The Relic or even The Descent 2, sadly enough, are the sort of pedestrian executions viewers are used to seeing for this sort of film. The Descent rises above these because of the talent involved.
Written by Ryan Venson
The Bottom of the Barrel
To be honest, I really don’t feel like watching and writing about another horror movie. Don’t get me wrong, I like horror, I am just getting a little burnt out on it lately. Not to mention that most movies in the genre are uninspired pieces of garbage that have no business being viewed by anyone, ever. To save you from making some of the same mistakes I have, I will be writing a little bit about several movies that you should make a point to steer clear of at all costs.
Ankle Biters
The best thing about Ankle Biters is trying to describe it to you friends. A movie about a town that becomes overrun with midget vampires who are trying to get an ancient sword so that can make regular size vampires...how could this possibly be anything but amazing? The problem, of course, is production value. Imagine if a 4 year old kid got drunk, grabbed an old VHS video camera and just started running around filming. Do you have that image in your head? Well that still can’t prepare you for how this movie turned out. Most of the time you have to just guess what everyone is talking about because the audio is almost nonexistent. Save yourself the time of watching this movie, and just enjoy the fine tagline instead.
“Three feet tall! Two inch fangs!”
Jigsaw
Kids today will hear “Jigsaw” and automatically think of the villain from the Saw movies, but two years before Cary Elwes was hacking off his own leg, the real Jigsaw was making terrible movies. Jigsaw is the story of a group of college art students who are given a very unusual project. They are all given different pieces of a skeleton and must decorate the piece as they see fit. I think each piece is supposed to represent part of the student’s fears, but who can be sure. Like most classes I attended in college, the teacher has the students gather at a bar in the middle of nowhere to present their work. They quickly assemble the newly decorated body, name him Jigsaw, and then set him on fire. Jigsaw ain’t no sucker though, and he comes to life and begins killing the students.
No gore, no nudity, no budget. I at least give the movie credit for having our monster come to life for no good reason. Jigsaw wasn’t struck by lightning, dropped in radioactive material, or covered in the blood of Satan. Jigsaw just kind of exists. One good point is not enough to erase another wasted evening watching this terrible waste of celluloid.
House of the Devil
Unlike the first two films I wrote about today, this was actually a very well received film. House of the Devil is the story of a young girl, Samantha, who needs money for her new apartment. She sees a sign about a babysitting job and she decides to call. Once at the house she finds out that the job is actually to babysit for a couple’s invalid mother. Samantha tries to back out, but the couple offers her more money, so she takes the job. Then shenanigans occur, demonic rituals take place, blah blah blah.
This film was set in, and painstakingly shot like, the horror films of the early 1980’s. To the filmmaker’s credit, it is freakishly accurate to films of that era. The well crafted visual style is the biggest thing that separates this movie from Jigsaw or Ankle Biters. What House of the Devil has in common with those other two movies is that hardly anything happens. I cannot remember the last time I was as bored watching a movie as when I watched House of the Devil. I mean you would think that at the devil’s house crazy shit would be happening all the time, but it feels more like an evening at Shady Groves Retirement Village.
You should probably try and watch at least one of these movies just so you can say you watched it, and as much as it pains me to say it, House of the Devil is probably the best of the three, but that is still a long ways from anything that I would call good. So if you find yourself at a video store this coming Halloween weekend, don’t just blindly pick out a movie because the box looks cool, or the premise sounds interesting. Do your research, or you may get stuck with werewolves in wheelchairs, filmed with someone’s cell phone.
Written by Drew Martin
Dead Snow
Starring: Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen, Charlotte Frogner Directed by: Tommy Wirkola
Winter is pretty scary. I mean, even the holiday favorite "Let It Snow" quickly admits that the weather outside can be frightful.
That's nothing compared to having the scenic mountainscape outdoors crawling with Nazi zombies. The hills are literally alive with the sound of typical grunts and moans of the walking rotten. It's even worse when they can break through the flimsy walls of your cabin and making the party indoors the antithesis of delightful.
The Norwegian film Død Snø (Dead Snow for you English speakers out there) is the perfect formula horror film. A co-ed group of medical students head up to a remote mountain cabin for a beer-soaked Easter holiday weekend. There is one snowmobile among them; everyone else has to follow the tracks after Vegard (Lasse Valdal) rides ahead. He is the only one who knows the way to the cabin, which belongs the parents of his girlfriend, Sara.
As the characters make the 45-minute walk to the cabin and realize they are without cell phone service, they begin speculating on how many movies start out this way, citing Friday the 13th, Evil Dead, and several others. What really struck me as funny about this, and multiple other movie references throughout the film, is they are spoken in English. I guess we go around saying "Hasta la vista, baby," and other such phrases, but it is always a little weird to be reading my movie and all of a sudden hearing the words rather than a torrent of Germanic speech.
Regardless, the stage is set for a random visitor (Bjørn Sundquist) that shows up at the cabin on the first night. It is not Sara, who was supposed to ski in earlier to meet them. Instead, there is a rugged man at the door who asks for a cup of coffee, insults it, then launches into a tale about how a group of cruel Nazi soldiers inhabited the town below the mountains and stole valuables from the locals before the citizens turned against them. Apparently the wily Colonel Herzog and some of his soldiers escaped into the mountains…but likely froze to death. But the mountains are still an evil place, and the partying students are not giving it the proper respect.
Of course as soon as he takes his leave, it's back to European heavy metal and pilsner. However…anyone taking a quick trip to the outhouse knows there's something lurking in the woods that could slit your throat or tear out your intestines without blinking a bulging eye.
By the next day, fearless leader Vegard takes the snowmobile to go search for Sara, leaving the car keys with the others in case he doesn't come back. With that vote of confidence plus their finding a box of gold coins and jewelry (presumably the Nazis' stolen treasure) they are ripe for a confrontation.
What is awesome about the next ~40 minutes of the movie is how all the familiar conventions of the typical and campy horror flick are employed, but in no way does this detract from the excitement. The chases are thrilling – these aren't typical shambling mindless zombies, they are strategic and quick. They know the landscape better than you. They don't get tired from running around in the snow like a frightened animal (and they sure aren't frightened by these mere humans).
These students are no slouches though in trying to preserve their lives. One puts his medical training to use by creating impromptu stitches with materials found in an ordinary tackle box. One creates a mini avalanche to try and bury one of the zombies before it gets close enough to bite. One blows up a bunch of zombies with their own grenade – despite his (or her) intestines being strewn about the snow.
Will any of the students survive? Will Colonel Herzog gloat over the scattered corpses of the students, gloating "I'll be back" to terrorize again? I highly recommend you watch this movie and find out.
Written by Jennifer Venson
Masters of Horror: Dario Argento
Starring: Steven Weber, Carrie Fleming, Meat Loaf, Ellen Ewusie Directed by: Dario Argento
Never being a fellow who has coughed up the extra money for “premium” cable channels…like your HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, etc….I missed the original run of Masters of Horror when it aired in 2005 on Showtime. Having run across them recently on Netflix during the Halloween season, I figured I would give them a crack.
The list of directors reads like a who’s who of horror movie directors. Joe Dante, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Don Coscarelli… Coscarelli …you know, the Phantasm guy. Well, everybody can’t be Sam Raimi.
For reasons unbeknownst even to me, I decided to watch the two Dario Argento entries. I’ve never been a big fan of Italian horror cinema. To the best of my recollection I have seen exactly two Italian horror films, Lucio Fulci’s The Gates of Hell and Argento’s Suspiria, widely accepted as the bee’s knees of Italian horror. I was nonplussed by both. And while some have tried to convince me these are not necessarily the best films in either director’s oeuvre, I have taken a firm “fool me once” stance. Maybe this is why I chose Argento; a chance at redemption for another whole horror niche.
First up, Jenifer.
The set-up to the film is sketchy at best. Detective Frank Spivey (Steven Weber) is having lunch with his partner in what appears to be the middle of nowhere when he decides to get out of the car. There is no reason given for this action. He spots a man dragging a woman down to a lake, and springs in to action. The man is wielding a blade, and Spivey commands him to stop. He simply utters, “Go away, you don’t know what she is,” and proceeds to lower the blade, at which time Spivey shoot him dead. Spivey approaches the woman only to find she is unable to talk and disfigured beyond belief.
After giving a report to his boss, Spivey discovers the girl, Jenifer (Carrie Fleming), has been taken to an insane asylum. Feeling sorry for her, he invites her to stay with him and his family until they can find someplace for her to stay. Believe it or not, Spivey’s wife ain’t having anything of the sort and, with son in tow, leaves him with Jenifer……..after they stumble upon her eviscerating and eating the pet cat.
While they avoid showing Jenifer’s face full-on too much, the make-up is solid, so when she is viewed her disfigurement is uncomfortable. She has no iris, only giant black pupils. Her mouth always hangs open, causing a fresh layer of drool constantly dripping from her chin.
If you’re a horror movie fan, Jenifer seems very familiar. Nobody’s breaking new ground here. After seeing the opening scene you can probably guess what will occur in the end, but it is comfortably directed and acted, and there are some disturbing scenes, in particular as Jenifer becomes a seductress. The 60-minute run time feels perfect, any more and you would stretch an already thin plot to transparency.
Secondly, I watched Pelts.
Jake Feldman (Meat Loaf….yes, Meat Loaf) is a fur trader with questionable ethics - of course they are, he’s a fur trader! 
He frequents a sleazy strip club where he requests lap dances from his favorite adult entertainer, Shanna (Ellen Ewusie). After unsuccessfully trying to force himself on her, he promises, “One day you’ll give it to me.” Who can resist that sort of wily charm?!
His plan for wooing her is to create the purrfect….ahem.…perfect fur coat for her. He receives a call from fur trapper Jeb Jameson (John Saxon) promising the finest raccoon furs money can buy. Luckily for Feldman, Jameson’s son Larry (Michal Suchánek), takes a baseball bat to his pa’s head, so the relevance of monetary compensation becomes moot. Why does Larry bash in his dad’s head? The raccoons told him to do it. The raccoon furs, that is.
As opposed to Jenifer, where the entire scenario seems overly familiar, the plot here is pretty original. However, the execution is lacking. Meat Loaf is either completely miscast, or just a poor actor in general. They grease back his hair and have him wear cheap suits and a trench coat, but his idea of sleazy is either growling or yelling his lines unconvincingly. The only other character given legitimate screen time is Shanna, and I believe it is safe to say Ellen Ewusie was cast for reasons other than her acting chops.
I can’t decide if a film based around mystical raccoons dubbed “Pine Lights” for no apparent reason is genius, or comedy gold. Either way, the script doesn’t deliver. When the film isn’t being ridiculously gory -- and, if nothing else, it is certainly unnecessarily gory -- it is unbearably boring.
In the end both films have fistfuls of what you would expect in cheesy horror: nudity, gore, and plotlines where characters use no common sense. I’ve seen these aspects in plenty of films. What I didn’t get is any real sense of style from Argento. Both episodes played out exactly like TV episodes. I dare say I’ve seen more style in episodes of CSI or, perhaps more fittingly, the X-Files.
“Fool me twice…”
Written by Ryan Venson
Trick 'r Treat
Starring: Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker Directed by: Michael Dougherty
I’d like to think that someone pitched the idea for Trick ‘r Treat by saying that if Pulp Fiction and Creepshow had a baby, it would be Trick ‘r Treat.
Halloween and horror movies seem to go hand in hand. Yet, this natural pairing has a weird contradiction in which horror movies about Halloween kind of suck. I know that you are now trying to think of good Halloween movies in your head, but let me stop you. Halloween is overrated and kind of boring. Pumpkinhead… really? Sleepy Hollow…you know how I feel about Tim Burton. I have to admit that It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is okay, but Trick ‘r Treat stands above them all as an instant Halloween classic.
The film plays out as a series of vignettes, told in a nonlinear fashion, all tied together in some form. Each of these little stories plays on the kinds of stories we’ve all heard for years; always check your candy, children telling ghost stories, a twist on a classic fairy tale, a man who is haunted by his past. The only constant is a freaky little child, sporting a disturbing little scarecrowish mask, who seems to serve as our narrator without ever speaking a word.
On the premise alone, this film could have gone either way. What really set this movie apart from other films were the people attached to the project. Bryan Singer, director of the first two X-Men films and The Usual Suspects, produced Trick ‘r Treat. X-Men alum Anna Paquin and Brian Cox both star along with Dylan Baker. Now these might not be names that you recognize, but trust me, you know these actors. Each of them brings their own skill set out in full force in the form of Vestal innocence, a tortured curmudgeon, and the sadistically hilarious “everyman.”
Beginning to end I was impressed by this film. It can easily become a movie that you must watch each year, like A Christmas Story for Halloween. At all times it seems to hold true to the playful and devious nature of the holiday. Plus, how many movies have a little kid screaming “Charlie Brown’s an asshole?” That alone is worth the rent. To me, this is hands down the best movie about Halloween.
Oh wait, I just thought of a movie that is a scarier Halloween movie…Hocus Pocus. Bette Middler doing anything…Sarah Jessica Parker, if you can imagine, looking more horrible than she normally does…oh yeah way scarier. Great, now I am going to have to drink myself to sleep again. Damn you Hocus Pocus!!!
Written by Drew Martin
Feast
Starring: Balthazar Getty, Navi Rawat, Jenny Wade Directed by: John Gulager
Several years ago, I submitted a screenplay in the writing portion of Project Greenlight. It was not selected. At the time, I was not surprised. This was (and still is) the only screenplay I've ever written, and admittedly it probably needs a lot of editing. Subsequent reads have convinced me I have too many characters.
So when I found out that Feast was the Project Greenlight Season Three winner, I was very curious about the caliber of the script. My verdict is that I should have included more gore (I only had a shootout in the ending sequence, silly me), more profanity, more boobs, and more horny aliens. That probably would have given my screenplay as good of a chance as Feast.
The movie was described to me as "similar to Tremors." I disagree. I enjoy watching and re-watching Tremors. This movie I would not like to see again. The movie opens with a guy driving up to an out-of-the-way bar. He's introduced as "Bozo" (Balthazar Getty) and given a little description about his character and chances of survival. As he enters the bar, the viewer is treated to descriptions of about six other characters hanging around the place – one of which is Jason Mewes (better known as Jay from the Jay and Silent Bob duo) as himself.
My first issue with the film was the introduction of so many characters – especially as over half of them were either senior citizens/in a wheelchair/not portrayed as the sharpest tool in the shed. Why waste time trying to set up a story around people who are presumably going to be monster fodder within the first fifteen minutes?
Well, lesson number one in this film is that what you expect to happen…usually doesn't. And things you don't expect to see – like Henry Rollins in the role of a motivational speaker named "Coach" with questionable morals wearing a pair of ladies' pink sweatpants – are at the core of this gorefest.
I suppose I should give the movie credit for using the element of surprise well. Not only do the monsters thin out and/or leave some unexpected characters in the bar, they (or at least the camerawork around them) move so quickly you have no idea what the hell you are looking at. And when you do get a glimpse of one that was trapped and killed in the bar, the carcass doesn't really give you a good sense of what it really resembles (though I believe one of the characters does compare it to a monkey at some point).
While the humans inside board up the windows and stack tables/chairs/the jukebox/etc against the door per conventional wisdom when under monster or zombie attack, the monsters are outside flexing their awesome biological weapons. They can procreate very quickly. They can projectile vomit a large quantity of corrosive, maggoty green goo. They can reach in through a knothole through which you are checking for movement and rip out your eyeball. These humans with shotguns barely stand a chance.
And they really shouldn’t stand a chance. None of the characters are particularly endearing, even though they do try to set up some sympathy for "Heroine" (Navi Rawat) and "Tuffy" (Krista Allen) through their maternal status, it still doesn't make them really likeable. Bozo really lives up to his name. The waitress Honey Pie (Jenny Wade) doesn't really do anything in the movie at all except attract blood spatter and supply gratuitous T&A.
Fortunately, the movie is just under 90 minutes long so if you don't particularly enjoy it, you won't be in misery for long (I suspect it would have been longer if they had a larger budget for fake blood and other fluids). Of course if you're hungry for more, they also filmed Feast II: Sloppy Seconds and Feast III: The Happy Finish.
Written by Jennifer Venson
The Orphanage
Starring: Belén Rueda, Fernando Cayo, Roger Príncep
Directed by: Juan Antonio Bayona
What scares you? This is the question many filmmakers ask themselves before trying to craft a good horror movie. The problem is what scares you may not scare me. I have never been afraid of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Chucky, or Jigsaw. Those are all characters in films I find entertaining, gory and at times comical, but never scary. The Orphanage scares me.
The Orphanage begins with Laura, her husband Carlos, and their son Simón, moving into the dilapidated orphanage where Laura grew up. Laura plans to reopen the orphanage as a facility for disabled children. Shortly after arriving, Simón begins seeing someone named Tomás, a frightening little boy who wears a scarecrow kind of mask. At a grand opening party, Simón goes missing, thus setting up the beginning of an increasingly more disturbing story starring creepy old ladies, weird little children, a mother desperate to find her son, and an ending that will stick with you whether you like it or not.
This film is not loud, it is not fast, and it is not in English. While American horror seems to go bigger and bloodier every year, this Spanish film takes it back to the basics. The Orphanage marries the fears we had as children (dark hallways, weird noises in the night, sinister old people), with the things that scare us as adults (children in danger, abandoned playgrounds, sinister old people). It is the way the director, Juan Antonio Bayona, masterfully balances the two styles that set it apart from other horror films.
In the end I have nothing but the highest praise for this film. I know I have suggested it to a number of friends, but the recommendations often fall on reluctant ears. It is hard enough sometimes to get people to watch a serious horror film, but add subtitles to the mix, and it can at times be downright impossible. The shame is this little film makes me do something that few horror films, American or not, can accomplish. When the credits roll I don’t feel comfortable until the lights are back on. And that is some of the highest praise a horror film can achieve.
Written by Drew Martin
Videodrome
Starring: James Woods, Sonja Smits, Deborah Harry Directed by: David Cronenberg
When you sit down in 2010 to watch a movie filmed in 1983, there’s always a chance things won’t pan out well. Maybe the script has aged poorly, or the acting. Maybe the special effects are cheese-laden. Maybe there will be too many references to the time. So it was with some trepidation I sat down to watch David Cronenberg’s “classic” sci-fi thriller, Videodrome.
Videodrome centers on Max Renn (James Woods), who runs a small cable channel, CIVIC-TV, somewhere in or near Canada. I’m not sure which, for sure.
Renn is trying desperately to find something sensationalistic to pull viewers away from the major networks. He goes to visit Harlan (Peter Dvorsky), who operates a pirate satellite dish. Together he and Renn are trying to find television programming of questionable ethics which to purchase. Harlan says he has found one such program in Malaysia called Videodrome. The program seems to be senselessly violent. A person is brought in to a red room wearing a red robe, and is then simply flogged and beaten for the duration of the show. Renn wants to see more.
He hunts down Bianca O'Blivion, who runs the Cathode Ray Mission on behalf of her deceased father. Renn believes she can help locate the show. Her father was a devout television man. So much, in fact, he believed the population would someday think the lives of people on TV were more real than an individual’s public life. Bianca eventually tells Renn that Videodrome is actually infused with subliminal mind control.
The rest of the film follows Renn as he tries to hunt down the show. His repeated viewings of Videodrome cause him to start hallucinating. His television tries to bite him. A VHS tape growls at him. He wakes up in bed with a corpse, only to find out later there is nothing more there than a pillow. Despite its 25+ years of age, none of these effects look terribly outdated. This may be because they are hallucinatory. Hallucinations don’t necessarily have to look real, do they? In addition, even though Renn’s hallucinations are integral to the action, the effects don’t have to carry the film. A superior plot and Wood’s acting bear that particular burden.
The story becomes so involved and twisty it is impossible to try and sort out here without giving away huge chunks of the film. There are bits about TV as mind control as a weapon. There are human mutations. Questions are raised about what Renn is and isn’t hallucinating. There’s plenty of sex and violence on TV and how it reflects in our lives.
This doesn’t necessarily mean there is a heavy subtext about television, in particular, sex and violence in television, and how it alters our view of reality. There could be, or Cronenberg could be subtly poking fun at people who believe this particular point of view. Or it could have simply given him a great idea for a great sci-fi/horror film. It doesn’t really matter, because the movie itself is fact paced and mind-bending enough it doesn’t have to rely on a socio-political subtext to be entertaining.
Before Videodrome I had seen two Cronenberg flicks, History of Violence and Eastern Promises. Both of which I thought had promise, but were ultimately mediocre do to some weaknesses in plotting and pace. I almost skipped ever seeing Videodrome because of this, but when I was looking for horror films to review, it popped up as one of the more well received. I’m not sure how snugly it fits in to the horror genre, but it definitely has an unsettling atmosphere. Once it really starts rolling, it doesn’t feel dated at all, and that is probably one of the most telling aspects of a great film.
Written by Ryan Venson
Let the Right One In/Catfish
Vampires, fishy documentaries, and a slight disagreement over movies centered around Facebook.
Shaun of the Dead
Starring: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kate Ashfield Directed by: Edgar Wright
Shaun (Simon Pegg) is having a really bad week. His girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield) dumps him. His stepfather badgers him for forgetting to bring his mum some flowers on mother's day. Everyone is tired of his oafish best friend Ed (Nick Frost) hanging around. When 29-year-old Shaun has to run the electronics store he works at because the manager is ill, he gets no respect from his teenage co-workers. He's been called a loser that needs to get his life sorted out, and is beginning to believe it.
Plus, there are two zombies in the garden.
Actually, the whole city is overrun with the walking dead.
Armed with a cricket bat and a shovel, Shaun and Ed follow the instruction on the news and take out the backyard zombies. Then they devise a plan to save Shaun's mum and Liz from the zombies and squire them off to safety until the crisis blows over. Though they do manage to fetch up Shaun's mum, his stepdad, Liz and her two roommates, it's easier said than done to get them to the secure location where Ed knows all the exits and can smoke (i.e. the Winchester Pub, where they all hang out pretty much every night).
Once in the pub, the peace doesn't last long as a mob of zombies have it totally surrounded. It's Shaun's chance to rise to the challenge and refute the notion that he's merely another slacker.
Despite a very humorous fight scene to the tune of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now," the pub scene does drag a bit. As the movie cover promises itself "A smash hit romantic comedy. With zombies," there are some perfunctory emotional dialogues with the characters airing the grievances that have been simmering among them for years. And then all hell breaks loose.
This is definitely a good movie to watch in preparation for the zombie apocalypse, and pretty funny to boot. Though Shaun of the Dead isn't as directly instructive as Zombieland, it's still pretty clear that you need to know how to do the following before Z-day in case you need to step up and lead:
- Have a plan for who you are going to save, where you can take them to safety, and where a secondary exit is (so if the front door is locked you can still get in without breaking a window).
- Wield a blunt object (bat, golf club, shovel, umbrella, etc) in a way that could deliver enough force to destroy a zombie's head.
- Shoot a gun with good aim in case you have more zombies than bullets.
- Impersonate a zombie in case you need to walk through a crowd of them without drawing attention to the fact that you are still alive.
Written by Jennifer Venson
Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Starring: Nathan Baesel, Angela Goethals Directed by: Scott Glosserman
There’s a point in every slasher-style horror film where you think to yourself, “This is just a movie.” Not necessarily because you are scared, but because it is so outlandish.
“Why would he try and run all the way back through the house to the front door instead of just climbing out a window?”
“Don’t go in there…”
“How could he have possibly have just appeared there at the speed she was running?”
“How in the hell would she ever stumble upon all these old news clippings?!”
“He’s obviously not dead yet.”
These are just a few of the thoughts you are likely to have while watching any number of slasher films. Friday the 13th, Halloween, Slaughter High, hell, even Child’s Play.
In a lot of slasher films, the antagonist is just a guy. Granted, usually a guy wronged in some manner; embarrassed or picked on as a youngster, burnt or intentionally crippled for some unbeknownst reason. Something of the like. Apparently harboring that sort of mentally debilitating trauma can leave you with some anger issues. The thing is, as viewers, we are never really given any insights in to these characters. These individuals, they aren’t real talkers. Lucky for us, Leslie Vernon is.
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon is yet another faux-documentary, but certainly not one where the filmmakers are trying to blur the line between reality and entertainment. This is obviously fiction, through and through.
A film crew, led by the plucky Taylor Gentry (Angela Goethals), has happened upon the documentary of a lifetime; following around a soon to be notorious serial killer, Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel), while he prepares for his pièce de résistance, the baiting and murder of a group of high school students in an abandoned house.
Leslie shares his ambition to become the next great urban legend with great aplomb. He’s not grim and dark, however. He doesn’t meander around with a constant scowl. No, he’s quite personable. Likeable, even. He laughs and jokes. To him this is nothing more than his calling, the job he was born to carry out. The more Leslie spills the beans, the more all of those, “Please why would they ever do that” moments become a little more, “Hmm, when you look at it that way….”
Every detail is intricately planned. He scopes out the house he is leading them to ahead of time. He explains the importance of the nearby surroundings and the symbolism therein. He nails windows shut so the most obvious route isn’t always the best route. He makes up pseudonyms relating to old pieces of town history. He plants microfiche stories about himself. He does cardio workouts. A lot.
Most of the film is carried out in this manner until the climax, when the documentary style gives way to the more commonplace third-person perspective. This isn’t a case of struggling to figure out how to end the film, it’s the route the film must go in order to follow through to its conclusion. Although the final act turns in to a paint-by-numbers slasher film, it does so with a sly wink of self-realization, the actualization of what the documentary has set up for the first three-quarters of the film. You sit in rapt fascination, wondering how closely it will play out to Leslie’s plan.
This movie is more comedy than horror. A subtle send-up of slasher fare also trying to ingratiate itself to the same audience. It’s a difficult balancing act, but in the end it is carried out with near perfection.
Written by Ryan Venson
Shadow of the Vampire
Starring: John Malkovich, Willem Dafoe, Eddie Izzard Directed by:E. Elias Merhige
Riddle me this: how is Shakespeare like Shadow of the Vampire?
If you've read As You Like It for a literature class, the teacher or professor probably discussed how in the bard's era, women did not act. Female roles were played by boys. In As You Like It, one of the main characters is Rosalind, who disguises herself as a boy for parts of the play. So, the irony is that the actor is a boy playing a girl playing a boy. Now hold that thought.
Shadow of the Vampire fictionalizes the making of the movie Nosferatu. (Which I meant to watch, but it is another German Expressionist film. I'm not sure if I can watch two of those in the span of a month.)
Eccentric director Friedrich Murnau (played convincingly by John Malkovich) has a very focused vision for an adaptation of Dracula. Much to the dismay of his lead actress, Greta Schröder (Catherine McCormack) as well as some crew members, Murnau insists on filming much of the movie on location, particularly a remote castle in Czechoslovakia.
Though some background scenes have been filmed at the studio, one important cast member is missing – the actor playing Count Orlok, the vampire. Gustav (Eddie Izzard) has overheard the elusive Max Schrek is a character actor already on location immersing himself in the role. No one else has heard of him or knows how Murnau found him.
Once the actors arrive on location, there are precious few extras (just some nervous locals) and one of the cameramen immediately begins to fall ill. The cast also finally meets Schrek/Orlok (Willem Dafoe)…and are not quite sure what to think of this strange man who is so immersed in his character he appears only in full costume/makeup and prefers to be addressed as Count Orlok rather than Max.
This role further solidifies my opinion that Willem Dafoe is one of the most versatile actors ever. He's in Platoon. He's Jesus inThe Last Temptation of Christ. He's a flamboyant detective in Boondock Saints. He's Green Goblin in Spider-Man. He's a goofy German in The Life Aquatic. I didn't even recognize him as Schrek/Orlok at first, but he plays the role with absolute relish. He is gleefully cunning, somewhat scary, and slightly humorous in some scenes. It is easy to believe Schrek is completely immersed in his role as Orlok because Dafoe seems to be similarly absorbed by his character.
All of the acting is actually excellent in this star-studded film. Had I not been trying to watch scary movies for the blog, I would have wanted to see this movie for its fine cast. I believe this is the first time I've seen John Malkovich in a serious role (as opposed to his limited dialogue and character development in Burn After Reading) and was quite impressed. Cary Elwes was delightful in his brief role as cameraman Fritz Wagner. Eddie Izzard continues to be highly expressive and wears lipstick better than I do.
Ready for the answer to the riddle? In Shadow of the Vampire, one of the main characters is a vampire playing a man playing a vampire. And in the movie within a movie, many actors are playing people that are actors playing their characters in a movie. (Confused? Go have some popcorn).
So how did Murnau convince a vampire to act in his film? Hopefully this review will make you curious enough to watch this movie and find out. Particularly as some of the best moments in the film are when the vampire threatens meticulous Murnau's grand vision for the film and you discover exactly what he is willing to sacrifice for art.
Written by Jennifer Venson
Aliens
Starring: Bill Paxton, Sigourney Weaver, Lance Henriksen
Directed by: James Cameron
Right away I should let you know this is not so much a review as it is a recollection of fear.
For the most part I grew up in a normal house. My parents were not overly strict, but did have rules about us watching “R” rated films. This, as we understood it, was for our own good. The first time I made the effort to see one of these restricted films was when I went to a friend’s house to watch James Cameron’s Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Ironically, my parents broke the rule many years before with James Cameron’s Aliens. I am only just now forgiving them.
In the late 80’s my family took a vacation to Chicago. While we were there, my parents thought it would be fun to go to the Museum of Science and Industry. Hey wouldn’t you know it, they had an exhibit on all the cool special effects from the movie Aliens. My brothers and I certainly thought it was cool to see things like the actual Power Loader they used, and some of the models of the aliens. We loved every minute of the exhibit, but we had no idea what Aliens was about. Always willing to teach us something, my parents decided to show us the film that night.
Now, for those of you who don’t know, Aliens is the sequel to the 1979 film, Alien. In Aliens we find our heroine Ripley, played by Sigourney Weaver, once again facing off against the terrible monsters that had killed her crew once before. While the original Alien film used claustrophobic environments, and a creature you almost never saw (all things that would scare me now), Aliens was a balls to the wall monster movie. Do you want to see aliens pop out of people’s chest? You got it. Want to see other people ripped apart? We can do that. Does Bill Paxton’s delivery of cheesy one-liners scare you? Me too!
This movie became the standard bearer for all horror to follow. My nightmares for years to come would be aliens crawling through an air duct to get me. Of course as I grew older I learned to appreciate how great this movie was, and how it helped to define what special effects could be. But strangely, at 10 years old, I didn’t really care about the auteur theory of filmmaking.
I don’t want to tell anyone how to raise their kids, but if you find yourself at a crossroads where you have to choose between showing your kids Aliens or not, think long and hard before you make the decision. Remember, you are the one who will have to wash their sheets in the morning. Now if the choice is between Aliens and VeggieTales, well then you let them watch Aliens. Talking cucumbers scare the hell out of me.
Written by Drew Martin